Evoman's Journal - Archives
Oh, oh, you hurt my wittle feelings on the internets. Sorry if it goes against the grain of your post, Gob, but I'm rather tired of all this weepy respect bullshit.
If you're polite, people ignore you and you don't change their minds.
If you're rude, people cry and complain and don't change their minds.
Here is how I see it:
1)Religion is stupid.
3)Religious people are not stupid, but they believe in stupid things.
3)There is no polite way of saying religion is stupid without watering down the message.
4)If I'm polite, religious people may misunderstand me, and think I don't think their brand of religion is stupid.
5)EVEN when I was polite (past tense), they still thought I was rude
6)You literally can't say anything to religious people without their feelings getting hurt. So fuck it.
Seriously. Fuck it. No matter what little inconsequential thing you disagree with them about, and no matter how you put it, they will be offended. So why do we worry about offending them? Even if you tell them why they shouldn't be offended, they have their heads to far up their..religion..to even understand that your not trying to be offensive. And with their religious oppression complex, they will take the five of us who are offensive, and amplify it to "All of DU hates christians. Or muslims." or whatever the fucking bullshit religious of the day is. Doesn't even matter if you direct them directly to anti-atheist or anti-any-other-religion-other-than-their-own post, they will justify that post, then continue their stupid bleating about offensiveness.
I have been quietly observing the primaries (okay, not quietly..I've made a couple of inane comments here and there ) and I'm sort of disconcerted by how easy other people find it to follow leaders.
This is not an anti-Obama thread. It is not an anti-Hillary thread. It is not an anti-Edwards thread. I really have no preference for any of them. And that's sort of my point. I can understand how somebody can mildly prefer one candidate over another...especially if they share their policies on issues that matter to you.
What I don't get is how anybody could let their emotions take over their reasoning so much that they feel personally threatened when someone disses their candidate. I've always been anti-authoritarian and extremely cynical of people who seek power. In my view, it is likely that all the candidates running for president really don't care about you and I as much as they care about power, control, money and priveledge. It's not that they don't care at ALL about us, but it is really secondary to their ambitions and their egos. It's the way it's always been with leaders throught-out history.
I HATE feeling like livestock. I HATE feeling like some sort of sheep. I HATE that people will fight and argue over people who don't have a clue who the fuck you are, and could really give a shit about you. I HATE that almost every Charismatic leader and cult leader has a huge group of people who will follow them to the grave if they have to. I HATE that people have no awareness of how they are being used by the rich and powerful. I HATE that people are so easy to manipulate and are willing to give their power as readily as their leaders are willing to take it.
I don't know how this post is going to be taken. I don't know if I'm going to be flamed or not.
But I'm still going to ask you to be more cynical. And not just with the presidential candidates or primary candidates. I'm asking you to be more cynical about your church leaders, your business leaders, you spiritual leaders, and your political leaders.
And remember this: I'll bet you that any random DUer, even one who doesn't support your candidate, would probably be 100 times as likely to help you out of a bind than any one of your supposed leaders. And if anyone ever calls you a sycophant or a sheep, maybe you should listen to what they have to say.
I just said religion was lame. Your religion is lame, but not exclusively. As far as I can tell, religion isn't really helping the democratic cause either. If anything, religion and pandering to the religious is one of the major problems of the dem party, apart from their current corporate leaning.
But who the hell cares. Religion is still lame. It's boring, it's sooooo last century. If religion was music, it would be Flock of Seagulls. Except without the kick-ass hair. If religion was a TV show, it would be Seventh Heaven, but without that hot girl that was in Texas Chainsaw Massacre. You know...the one that took her clothes off for that mag. She's damn tasty, that one.
But I digress. I was talking about how lame religion is. I'm suprised that people aren't embarrased to be religious. If I were religious, I would try to hide it, because it's so lame. The only thing worse than admitting to be religious would be if pictures got out of me at a Backstreet Boys concert holding a sign saying, "I love U Kevin".
So in conclusion, I want to reiterate how lame religion is. The fact that people get so up in arms over a harmless comment about how lame religion is, shows how lame religion is. Do you want to know how lame? Okay, imagine this:
Your teaching a bunch of kids to play catch. You take turns throwing the ball to each of them, and they catch it in their gloves. One of the kids is a lame-o. Everytime you throw the ball to him (not even that hard), he complains about how hard you throw, and that it hurts. You give him a new glove, and you teach him to catch it right, but he always fucking complains. Then you realize that it's just that the kid is really a lame crybaby. So you tell him that maybe baseball isn't his game. The kid (I'll call him Jesusman) starts to cry. You try to comfort him, but inside your head your thinking "Man, this kid is fucking lame.".
That kid is religion.
If you need me to go on, just ask. If you need me to further describe just how lame religion is, I'm glad to do it.
My household was non-religious. My dad is a hardcore atheist, while my mom was/is a catholic who never went to church. When we came to Canada, my mother was more less isolated by the language so we never attended church. My dad, who I knew was an atheist, NEVER talked to us about god or religion, except to tell us, when we asked, that he didn't believe. He is pretty hardcore, but I never found out until I was older, because he didn't want to influence us one way or the other. He did, however, encourage (and sometimes forced us) to be critical of everything: newspapers, tv shows, EVERYTHING. As a result, I even became critical of him, of everything I learned..and of myself and my own emotions(I'll talk more about that later).
I came into contact, however, with a lot of religious people and as such, had a concept of god early on. I didn't really believe in it, though I always described myself as agnostic. I belonged to a youth group as a teenager, since one of my friends (who I still hang around with today)was fundie christian and he invited me. However, I never fit in with them...it was one of the first times I realized that not everyone was automatically critical of everything they read. I found it extremely difficult to take anything on authority, and was confronted by a system where many of their own fundamentals were self-contradictory. They could look at other religions, call them false, and then keep believing in their own. As friendly as I was, they never accepted me, because I could not accept their theology.
The fact that those kids (and adults) could hold contradicting ideas, and they didn't seem aware of their many circular arguments, made me question my own ideas. What if, like them, I had a lack of self awareness? What if also hid myself from truths I did not want to confront? How could I realize my own biases? After that, I went through about 5 solid years of researching cognition and any books I could about self awareness. That exposed me to books about cognitive behaviour therapy (and is why I'm the resident Cognitive Therapy whore here). Everytime I had a major thought or emotion, I would question it. Where did it come from? Why am I feeling that way?
Sufficed to say, in the end, I realized that I couldn't be anything BUT atheist. Unlike some, I simply don't attach any significance to my own emotions, beyond their being a reaction to my thought processes. I never saw god, I never heard god, and I touched god. And the feeling of god, that feeling that seems to drives people on their search...well, I don't know if I am capable of feeling it like the faithful do. Faith, for me, has always been a weakness...a capitulation to what we want, not what is.
And that is my religious story.
It's a free e-book that you may (or may not) like. I think it would be useful for you to read.
And I mean that. I can't make myself care, and certainly don't wish the best for him. People then assume that I'm full of hate. I'm not...but there is no place in my heart, no compassion left, for the people who are enemies to everything I stand for.
When Pinochet died, I was fucking happy. I may have danced. Is it wrong? Is it wrong that a man who has killed many of my families friends, and made one of my own family members disappear, died and I rejoiced. When Ronald Reagan and his ilk...people whose policies caused havoc in South America and made me a refugeee died...was it wrong that I rejoiced.
These people do evil, redstone. They kill people, they lie for each other, they are corrupt as hell, and they don't give a shit that your dying. I care about you man, and I hope everything turns out for you. Your a good man...but I have don't give a shit about Snow, and no matter how many people call me a faux-liberal for not having compassion for a monster, I'm not gonna feel guilty for that.
He is perfect....but he is perfectly EVIL. He told me he hates humanity. Thats why he gave us the gift of herpes, the gift that keeps on giving. He wants us to sin, so he can stick pineapples up are arses in the afterlife. And if you don't sin, you get even BIGGER pineapples in your arse.
He told me that the reason that thermondynamics works the way it does is because he HATES order. He likes to watch the universe progress towards a cold death. He even told me that the only purpose to creating order, was to watch it fall apart. And the reason he made the universe inhospitable was so he could watch us toil away on our little planet, torturing us with cancer, AIDS and smegma.
He is very fond of liars and hypocrits...thats why he lets them rule our world. He gives them money, power, and slaves because they remind him of himself.
Your probably going to disagree with me. I'm sure you think god is good. I'm sure you think Jesus died to redeem us (when the truth is that he actually died because good HAS to die in our evil universe). Your wrong. I'm right. You haven't talked to god...I have. Trust me..God is a major league asshole.
Okay...it's stupid, it's offensive, it's the latest cheesy, crappy play that I've written out of boredom. If you don't like it, feel free to throw tomatoes. If you do like it, then something is wrong with you. If you can sit throught the whole thing, then you must be even more bored than I am. None of the characters in my play...ahem...represent real people, so don't flame me . Anyways, I thought it might lighten the mood a little.
On edit: I would like to dedicate this awful piece of writing to my good friend Goblinmonger. It takes a really sick mind to enjoy anything I write.
Without further Ado, here is the entire first Act of the play. God be with you!
ACT I Scene I
Scene opens on Evoman: He is absentmindedly scratching his rear, when he hears a yelp:
Evoman: What the fuck was that?
Ass Pimple: It is I...I have come to deliver the news.
Evoman: *Puts his ass to the mirror* Whaaaa....my ass is talking!
AP: No..quit looking at your crack..I'm over hear *it throbs conspiciously*
Evoman: But your just an ass pimple with no mouth. How are you talking to me"
AP: Will you stop worrying about the logistics of it. Just listen to my words, my son.
Evoman: Yes, I will listen....don't really have a choice. You hurt too much to scratch off.
AP: Enough! I AM "I AM:. I'm the alpha and the omega. I have a message you must share with the world!
Evoman: Fine, fine. Go ahead.
AP: You must tell the world that I am the only god. You must use my existence to cast doubt into the believers of the orthodox religions.
Evoman: God? How exactly are you a god...I mean, don't get me wrong. Your REALLY impressive for what you are, but a god? I doubt a real god could be killed by some salicylic acid or vitamin A cream.
AP: DOUBTER! YE OF LITTLE FAITH!
Evoman: I mean...Jesus could cure people, and Mohammed rode a flying horse. And Yahweh..that guy would send you a plague if you grabbed yourself while peeing. But you...
AP: HEATHEN! YOU WILL LISTEN!
Evoman: Alright Alright. True god, doubt into believers of orthodoxies, alpha and omega..gotcha.
AP: YOU WILL CONVINCE THE WORLD OF THIS!
Evoman: Fine! Stop your throbbing..but I have to ask you... how the hell am I going to do that?
AP: I have an advantage that no other religion has..I can convince people with no faith.
AP: Well...People can actually see me...I mean, I am a talking ass pimple.
Evoman: Wow..actual evidence. That sure beats the other guy.
AP: Yep. Now pass the word.
Evoman: I will!
Next Scene: Evoman bumps into his friends Steam Me Up Loudly, Blotsky, Broom and Comic Steambreeze.
Evoman: Hey guys! Have you heard the news!
SMUL: Hey Evoman, I find you incredibly hot and want to have your babies.
Evoman: I know, I know...but there are more important things to talk about right now....I want to talk about something serious!
Comic Steambreeze: Tell us already goddamit. I'm too fucking old and grumpy to have to sit here and talk to you young whippersnappers.
Evoman: okay guys...have I got something interesting to show YOU!!! *pulls down pants*
Evoman: Okay..no...Steam...stop looking at my alpha, and have a gander at my omega!
Comic Steambreeze: DAMN...thats huge. Maybe you should get it taken care of.
SMUL: I think it may be infected.
ASS PIMPLE: SILENCE! IT IS I, YOUR NEW GOD! I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OME...
Broom: Wait. Are you female?
Broom: Are you female?
AP: I'm well...WHAT DOES IT MATTER! I'm trying to talk here and...
Broom: I'm not worshipping a male ass pimple, is all I'm saying.
AP: I'M AN ASS PIMPLE...do I look like I have genitilia!
SMUL: No! But wait....you don't really have a mouth either.. how are you talking.... I mean..
End of Scene
Time: Two weeks later.
Scene opens: Evoman is sitting on a large, soft pillow in his apartment. He is looking through his mail when he comes up a letter from the Census bureau.
Evoman: What? What’s this shit? I’ve already mailed my stupid census information.
Muffled voice: SILENCE! MUST YOU USE SUCH LANGUAGE? I STRONGLY DISAPPROVE.
Evoman: Huh? I was swearing up a storm yesterday when I accidentally scrubbed you in the shower.
AP: THAT WAS DIFFERENT. YOU DIDN’T USE….THAT…WORD.
Evoman: What? Shit? What’s wrong with saying shit?
AP:…….it hits a little to close to home.
Evoman: Yes, your location close to the rectum. I can imagine it’s hard having an asshole for a neighbour *snicker*. I apologize.
AP: AHEM…RIGHT. ANYHOW, READ THE LETTER MORTAL!
Evoman: *reads the letter* Oh…they need me to come down to the downtown office. Apparently, they need me to confirm that I am no longer living with my grandma, at my grandparents old house. Huh…that makes no sense.
AP: QUESTION NOT THE AUTHORITIES!
Evoman: Damn it. Okay, I guess I have to go. *Evoman puts on his jacket, and very carefully puts on his new pants*
End of Scene
Time: half an hour later
Scene opens: Evoman is on the bus, heading downtown. In the seat in front, two people are having a discussion.
Keilbassa Sausage: So where are you heading, Deadheadio?
Deadheadio: I’m going to go visit an old friend at the graveyard. He is no longer with us.
Keilbassa Sausage: Oh dear….that’s terrible. When did he pass away?
Deadheadio: We don’t know….he’s just been missing for a long time. We have a tombstone, but no body….its really all rather sad. We suspect that he may be another victim of that serial killer theus suspect has been around these parts.
Keilbassa Sausage: Oh my god….you mean………..
Deadheadio: Yes….The Skinner.
Keilbassa Sausage: Gods, that’s terrible.
Deadheadio: The lord givith and the lord taketh away.
Keilbassa Sausage: It must be part of god’s plan.
AP: YOU HAVE CHOSEN THE WRONG LORD! HE IS A FAKE!
Keilbassa Sausage and Deadheadio turn around: Did you say something?
Evoman: uh………no. You see, I’m talking out of my ass.
Deadheadio: Yes, you are.
AP: HEATHENS! REPENT! FOR I AM…
Evoman: *mumbles* the alpha and the omega….ugh.
AP: THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA.
Deadheadio: Wow….that’s the best vetriloquism I’ve ever heard.
Evoman: this is my stop….sorry to have bothered you.
*Evoman quickly rushes out of the bus*
Evoman: Oh…there is the census office. Lets go.
*Evoman approaches the census office, only the realize the building is locked. A sign on the door says its closed*
Evoman: Aww crap…
AP: HEY! WATCH THE LANGUAGE.
Evoman: So what should we do now……I’m hungry.
AP: There is a bar to your right…LET US GO THERE.
Evoman: The Stable…..aw no….that place is a sty. You can catch VD just by sitting on one of their stools. And, frankly, the last thing I need right now is another lump below the belt.
AP: YOU HAVE NO CHOICE! GO!
Evoman: alright fine.
End of Scene
Time: 15 minutes later
Scene opens with Evoman sitting at the bar. One of the waitresses, a delicate pretty lady, is approaching him. A name tag on her shirt identifies her as Aququauququa.
Aququauququa: What can I get you?
Evoman: What do you have?
Aququauququa: This bar has everything. Why limit yourself to one sort of food, I always say.
Evoman:…..okay, can you be more specific?
Aququauququa: I would rather not put that sort of limitation on your choices.
Evoman: *exasperated* Well, do you have a menu?
Aququauququa: *waves at the whole bar* This is your menu
Evoman: Dammit! Fine, fine….just give me a ham and cheese sandwich, please.
Aququauququa: *passes Evoman a dish containing lentils and rice between bread*
Evoman: Huh? This isn’t ham and cheese!
Aququauququa: Yes. That is my concept of ham and cheese…we all have our own conc…
Evoman: NEVER MIND. Forget it…just give me a slice of that choclate cake you have over there.
Aququauququa: Here you go.
Evoman: Thank you.
*as Evoman eats his cake, he gets noticeably more uncomfortable. Pretty soon he is cringing*
Evoman: WHAT THE….
AP: MY SON…..HE IS BEING BORN. BLESSED BE THIS DAY!
Evoman: Oh dear god no…not anoth…..
AP: Hello, son!
Ass pimple junior: Hey dad.
Evoman: Dammit…shouldn’t have had the chocolate cake. I can’t live like this. FIRE…..cleansing fire. Fire will make everything all right . FIRE.
AP: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!
Evoman: I can’t let the world suffer your presence anymore. No wait, fuck the world…I can’t suffer your presence. I haven’t been able to ride my bike in weeks. *pulls down pants and grabs a match* I should have done this a long time ago.
AP: THINK IT THROUGHT MAN! YOU KNOW WHAT CHOCOCLATE CAKE DOES TO YOUR DIGESTIVE TRACT. DON’T LIGHT THAT MATCH SO NEAR THE……
End of Scene.
Time: 15 minutes later.
Scene opens on Evoman sitting despondetly near the burning bar, as fire crews try to put it out. Three of his best friends approach him.
Gobbing-longer: Hey Evo, how are you holding up.
Evoman: Terrible. As soon as I’m done here, I’m going to the dermotologist. What are you guys doing here?
Gobbing-longer: We saw the burning building from blocks away. Somehow, we suspected it had to do with the….problem…your having. Apparently that was a wise decision.
Comic Steambreeze: @$%$#ing Gobbing-longer made us come.
AP: YES, YOUR SAVIOUR HAS BEEN BORN. I AM TOO MIGHTY, AND TO PERFECT, TO FORGIVE YOU FOR YOUR HEATHEN SINS.
Gobbing-longer: Wow, it actually talks. They told me about it, but I never saw it for myself. Does it have a mouth?
AP: SILENCE, I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU BEING HERE. YOU WILL ALL MEET MY SON, Ass Pimple Junior.
APJ: Hi guys, great to meet you.
Gobbing-longer: JESUS CHRIST!
APJ: No, Ass pimple junior.
Comic Steambreeze: Your all #$%ing idiots. I’m going home…I have a nice comfy porch and a shotgun calling my name.
Gobbing-longer: Wait a sec….we brought him presents, remember. We should give them to him.
Comic Steambreeze: Aw, #$%…fine.
Gobbing-longer: Here Evoman, I brought you some GOLD-Bond medicated powder. I thought it might help with the itching.
Blotsky: *burp* *throws Evoman a piece of tree resin*.
Evoman: Huh? Wow….uh….tree resin. Um…great. Thanks I could..uh…always use more tree resin…..
Comic Steambreeze: Here is my gift *punches Evoman in the head*. Yeah…it’s a fist-full of freakin sense. Which is what your really missing…how many times have I told you to keep the matches away from your rear end?
AP: I AM PLEASED. YOU THREE MUST KEEP MY SON SAFE UNTIL HE GROWS INTO HIS POWER. THEN WE WILL SHARE THE MESSAGE.
Gobbing-longer: I don’t think that’s much of a problem…I can’t remember the last time somebody tried to get into Evoman’s pants….
Evoman: That’s enough. We need to get out of here.
Gobbling-longer: Good idea. I’ve seen some representatives from Herod Pharmaceuticals with a promotion to get rid of all new pimples.
*a homeless man comes drunkingly from around the corner*
Mr.Hat.WaR: RUN? RUN FROM THE PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY? FOOLS! THEIR ASS PIMPLE CREAM WAS SHOWN TO BE ONLY 99 % EFFECTIVE FROM THEIR CLINICAL TRIALS IN ELIMINATING ASS PIMPLES. YOU CALL THAT EFFECTIVE? YOUR SCARED OF THAT?
*Gobbing-longer, Evoman, Comic Steambreeze, and Blotsky stare at the man*
Evoman: Uh..okay…lets go.
END OF SCENE
END OF ACT I
Man, I wish I was at my comp at home so I could bookmark this! Hmm....I'm kinda wondering where all those "Nobody insults atheists on this forum" people are. They always miss the good stuff!
"That was largely the work of atheist politicians masquerading as Christians. Remember, at the higher levels, the institutional Christian Church was debased by Christian "fundies" throughout most its history."
"If you'd lived long enough to see the depth to which our society has sunk in its degeneracy, as a result of the reduction of the influence of Christianity on our Western culture, you wouldn't need it spelt out."
This post is really...heh...something else.
They paralyzed my entire body, and then picked me up with a beam of light into their spaceship. I was quite scared. I lay on this table, unable to move, while they examined me. Finally, I got enough strength to speak and I asked them if they were going to probe my anus, because I was NOT cool with that.
They told me they had no interest in interacting with an orifice that was not overly significant and served only to expel waste. So they taped my mouth shut, and started probing my anus.
Okay, so there isn't much point..I just needed an excuse to do some painting.
And if you can believe it, I'm even more absurd in real life.
Cosmik debris: Although I'm already crotchety at the tender age of 27, I've got nothing on this guy. His crotchety goodness is something I've tried to emulate, but its hard to buy shotguns in Canada, and my apartment doesn't have a porch. I'd also like to see the effects of saying "keep digging" a billion times on the larynx...I smell PhD...
Goblinmonger: I'd like to inhabit a person who actually thinks any of my stupid comments are funny. A rare species, for sure, lol.
Trotsky: I just think it would be cool to be able to speak in burps and whistles.
Cyborg Jim: I'd like to know what it feels like to be a heartless piece of machinery who has forgotten how to feel human emotion. I've got the heartless part down pat, but I've had considerable trouble grafting a mini-gun onto my stump.
Zebedeo: I would like to inhabit the mind of somebody who denies the existence of my ass pimple god, and instead believes in this...jesus..character.
Hunter: Because there aren't many people who can read my posts and not think I'm a complete asshole...another rare species.
Moggie: Because I am completely in love with him...but not in "that" way. Ahem *cough*
Here is my post:
"Okay, I've been watching a lot of Penn and Teller's Bullshit! show. I don't agree with everything they say, and I find that they usually tend to find extreme wacko's on the "other side" in a lot of their more "political" show. Hey, they are libertarians....they try to kind of push that.
But I love the shows that have to do with woo-woo's....astrology and the like. And everytime I watch it, I am just astounded as to just how EASY it is to fool people. Now, I'm a fairly moral guy...I don't lie regularly, if I don't have to, and I don't like con games.
But....well, an evil part of me has always kind of been tempted to take advantage of gullible people. Occasionally I like to play jokes...not for profit, but for my own amusement (see the Ouija board thread in R/T to see what I mean)
But to see the sheer amount of this idiotic shit, and all these people getting paid for worthless advice, and huckterism has kinda got me thinking. I like to think I'm a fairly charismatic guy...with my bald head, I look a little unusual...I'm pretty good with words, and not too bad at public speaking. Maybe I could make a VERY good living taking advantage of poor suckers. I would never do it, because I don't want to be an asshole, but I would be lying if I've never considered it.
Have you ever thought about it? Maybe selling Christian cookware, blessed with Teflon of Christ, or writing a book of common-sense advice masquerading as wisdom?"
Link to the thread: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discu...
Us....little beings on a planet.
Us....recent additions to the galaxy.
Us.....in a tiny portion of the sky....
I think that sometimes it worth remembering your significance in the grander scheme of things. When you are getting to big for your britches, and you feel the universe owes you something, take a real look.
Take comfort, because right now, WE -tiny, infinitismally small, insignificant-EXIST. And you only get one shot while your here. Live your life like you want to live it.
The ten most recent threads posted on the Democratic Underground Discussion Forums.
A Giant Union Is Planning to Protest the Oscars
Happy Valentines Day, old friends!
NEVER trust government. nt
By No Elephants
Shirley Temple-talented phenom and more, gone at 86
By No Elephants
Asian markets okay with recent disappointing American jobs report and Yellen's appointment.
By No Elephants
Another kind of Cold War
By No Elephants
The ten most recommended threads posted on the Democratic Underground Discussion Forums in the last 24 hours.
Use the tools below to keep track of updates to this Journal.
Today's Featured Forums