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The Desperate Blogger's DU Journal - Archives
Posted by The System Stinks in General Discussion
Mon Nov 28th 2011, 10:24 PM
SATIRE from /

Happy Holidays – just kidding… Merry Christmas to all of our subscribers! We at 1%er Talking Points hope you spend your end-of-year bonuses in good health as we all look forward to another year of unprecedented prosperity!

With that in mind, the editors would like to share with you a suggestion passed along by one of our readers who, like most of you, wishes to remain anonymously above the fray… As many of you will be attending the season’s major art auctions, you may be well advised to purchase a portfolio of works by living relative unknowns. As our anonymous source, former hedge fund CEO and Professor of Recession Economics at Pueblo State University, Newton Toomey points out, with the predictable pending upswing in the mortality rate among artists, most of whom are unemployed, uninsured, and otherwise belong with society’s other bottom-feeders, those currently producing works of merit can be expected to die in the short-to-medium term (as opposed to medium-to-long) leaving behind limited bodies of work which should appreciate handsomely in value. As an ancillary benefit, ‘supporting’ struggling artists by purchasing a warehouse full of contemporary pieces at fire-sale prices (even by today’s standards — remember, they need to buy food and pay rent) as opposed to purchasing one $20 million Rembrandt will help to solidify your credentials as a ‘job creator’.

(Disclaimer: As always, we at ‘1%er Talking Points’ bear no responsibility for any action taken by any organization, group, or individual based upon any statements or actions of ours.)

Again, Merry Christmas and a Happy and Profitable New Year!

Now, on to the task at hand:

Talking Point #1: ‘Gay Season’ is upon us. With the 2012 campaign about to enter its Primary phase, it’s time to once again divert public attention from jobs, the economy and the wars by pounding the table on behalf of good old-fashioned anti-gay family values. Now that the Kenyan anti-colonial Ivy League elitist has succeeded in getting DADT repealed and the liberal Jewish New Yorkers have legalized gay marriage, it’s time to again mobilize ‘God’s warriors’ to clog up the media’s print and air-space. But alas, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus – and he’s given us Penn State Football and Syracuse Basketball. We suggest whenever possible the merging of the anti-gay crusade with the call to eliminate all forms of public aid for education, as well, of course, as the elimination of the federal Department of Education.

Talking Point #2: ‘The 53%’. Our patrons continue to bless us with their unwavering support in spite of hard economic times, due largely in part to our esteemed marketing genius who realized that “getting them to believe they could become one of us has got to be an easier sell than a talking, burning bush or a virgin birth.” The editors hope that this past Thanksgiving our readers remembered to give thanks to all of those who complain they are supporting the ‘other 47%’ when in fact it is we who maintain our position through their diligence, loyalty, and hard work. That being said, however, we must refer to them as ‘hard working, patriotic Americans’ and the like, but NEVER as ‘the 53%’. Doing so only seems to inspire the few remaining liberal ‘goody two-shoes’ journalists who still believe that news stories should be fact-based to point out not only how small and inadequate one’s income must be to avoid paying even $1 in federal income tax, but also how much ‘the 47%’ pay in state, local, sales, property, excise, and other taxes.

Talking Point #3: Spending Cuts = Taxpayer Savings. Any federal budget cuts involving education, Medicaid, aid to states, etc. should be referred to only in the generic form, such as ‘spending cuts’, ‘increased savings’, ‘reducing wasteful expenditures’, etc. They should never be specifically referred to as anything that anyone with half-a-brain should realize is nothing more than the federal government passing the cost down to the state and local level and therefore not creating a dime of ‘Taxpayer Savings’.

Talking Point #4: Market Uncertainty. Our PR campaign blaming the lack of public sector job growth on uncertainty caused by the corporate tax rate, government regulation and the pending phase-in of Obamacare continues to successful beyond all projections. American corporations are currently sitting on about $2 trillion in cash. But if we are to get the legislation we need to grow that number to $3 trillion, we have to ‘keep the pedal to the metal’. Anyone suggesting that lower demand due to lower wages, the recession and/or lack of disposable income of the consumer class is to blame should be attacked as ‘uninformed’, ‘economically naïve’ or an ‘intellectual elite who has never created a job in his/her life’.

Talking Point #5: Small Government. If confronted on the issue while blaming ‘failed big government policies’ for the current high levels of unemployment, always refer to the nearly 1 million private sector jobs cut since the recession began as ‘statistically insignificant’.

Talking Point #6: Pepper Spray. It’s about time whiny liberals stop complaining about the use of an everyday condiment “being used to attack peaceful demonstrators” who are trying to bring down capitalism. If pepper is so dangerous, they should stop having it placed in public school, hospital, and other cafeterias – at taxpayer expense – and they should also boycott their beloved chi-chi, subversive restaurants that serve foreign cuisine and pay illegal immigrants to go from table to table ‘fresh cracking’ it into everyone’s food. Kudos to our friends at U.C.-Davis for distracting attention from the increasing police militarism going on everywhere else and facilitating the start of a more palatable dialogue (no pun intended)…

Reminder: Support those who support us! With the Thanksgiving holiday now behind us, be sure to tune in to Fox News, whose special week-long series, “The War on Christmas” begins tonight, kicking off their annual month-long campaign to distract public attention away from important issues by airing countless incessant rants on this topic. Also be sure to support your local Fox affiliate, who, depending on where you live, can again be counted on to use the season’s first snowfall as an excuse to debunk the ‘global warming’ myth…
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Posted by The System Stinks in General Discussion
Mon Oct 10th 2011, 07:26 PM
Satire from /

New York (DBI) – As if their depiction by GOP Presidential hopeful Herman Cain wasn’t already hard enough to swallow, scores of ‘Occupy Wall Street’ protestors were rushed to area hospitals today after falling ill from what sources believe was a tainted delivery — ironically, it is presumed, — from Godfather’s Pizza, Cain’s former company.

“When we arrived at the scene, we observed perhaps a hundred or more people in various stages of gastrointestinal distress,” EMS Captain Christopher Toomey told reporters. “We were able to confirm that most of them had consumed various food items that had been delivered earlier in the day. But I must say, there were several really queasy looking ones I spoke with personally who had not eaten at all, but did report they had been watching YouTube videos of Mr. Cain’s weekend television appearances.”

Toomey added that none of the cases appeared to be life threatening.

When told of the incident – and its positive prognosis — Mr. Cain is reported to have responded to an aide, “Of course it’s not life threatening – none of those a******s have lives.”

Federal authorities promised a full investigation. They have jurisdiction as the alleged tainted delivery came into New York from New Jersey because in recent years, Famous Famiglia (Donald Trump’s cheese pie of choice) has managed to muscle Godfather’s completely out of the City’s five boroughs, though rumors persist that a lone holdout Godfather’s franchise is still secretly operating somewhere on Staten Island.

But while the New York City FBI office claims they are already looking into the matter, House Majority Leader Eric Candor has vowed to block any form of Federal probe until House Democrats agree to spending cuts that will offset the cost any investigation to taxpayers.

Rajiv Makesh, who operates the North Bergen, New Jersey Godfather’s location rumored to have filled the delivery order insisted that his business maintains only the highest standards of quality control.

“Every pizza and other food item that comes out of our store is prepared personally by either my mother or myself. We only use the freshest, locally bought ingredients.”

At least one state official supported Mr. Makesh’s claim. Speaking on condition of anonymity, Ms. Georgia Polyn of the Bergen County Board of Health confirmed that the Godfather’s restaurant in question has “a clean bill of health” as far as her department is concerned, but added that her office has received an increasing number complaints from people claiming food they were served in restaurants throughout the county has made them ill ever since the state launched a pilot program under which food distributors ‘self-regulate’ themselves, including ‘self-inspecting’ their own merchandise.

“It was a cost saving measure adopted recently by the state legislature after Congress reduced funding for FDA inspectors. The Governor signed it over the summer,” Ms. Polyn explained.

When reached for comment, a spokesman for New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said, “I can assure the dining public that New Jersey is among the safest places in the world to eat pizza. The Governor takes this issue very seriously. While he firmly believes in cutting job-killing government regulations, he also takes pride in New Jersey’s pizza industry. To that end, he personally consumes at least one or two Jersey made pizzas every day to help ensure that only the highest standards of quality are maintained.”
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Posted by The System Stinks in General Discussion
Thu Oct 06th 2011, 07:17 PM
The most wanted man in Libya is now wanted in Stockholm, but for a very different reason.

Moammar Qadafi has won the 2011Nobel Peace Prize.

Citing his official renunciation of terrorism beyond his own country’s borders as well as his leadership during his year-long tenure as Chairman of the African Union, the Nobel Committee described Col. Qadafi as “a pivotal figure in the creation of the social and political climate which the entire North African region now enjoys.”

When asked by reporters if the National Transition Council was planning any form of celebration to mark the occasion, such as a parade in Tripoli if and when the deposed strongman ever returns from the ‘nice farm upstate’ where they have told the nation’s children they plan to send him, interim Prime Minister Mahmoud Jibril tersely responded, “A parade? No. A procession, perhaps.”

It is not yet known if Col. Qadafi, who aides said could not be reached because he is currently “hiking the Appalachian Trail with his remaining bodyguards” will travel to Stockholm next month to receive his prize in person, but Faisal al-Fislammaj Amah, a longtime aide and confidante who spoke to reporters on condition of anonymity commented, “To receive such an honor personally, as well as out of respect for his hosts and his affinity for the Swedish people – particularly their women – I’m sure he will fight to the last drop of blood to be there.”

But Newton Toomey, a former State Department official and Professor of Deposed Dictatorships at Pueblo State University finds it unlikely that Qadafi will be able to attend. Professor Toomey bases her opinion on two primary factors, namely:

- Security concerns – Qadafi only travels overseas with a contingent of at least 50 female bodyguards. He recently lost several who were ‘lurid away’ by a generous offer from former IMF Chairman Dominique Strauss-Kahn, and recent events have made the recruitment of young replacements nearly impossible;
- Visa problems – According to Prof. Toomey, “An illegal Mexican immigrant on Death Row has a better chance of getting a pardon and a work permit from Rick Perry than Qadafi has of getting a visa allowing him to leave Libya.

Or, as one NATO official familiar with efforts to locate the latest Nobel Laureate concluded, “There’s a better chance of Julian Assange showing up in Sweden voluntarily.”

October 6th, 2011 | Tags: Arab Spring, Moammar Qadafi, Nobe Peace Prize | Category: Middle East, Satire, World News
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Posted by The System Stinks in General Discussion
Mon Sep 26th 2011, 02:33 PM
Satire from /

With just 406 days remaining until the 2012 Presidential election, the Republican nominating process moved inexorably toward its conclusion today as former front-runners Rick Perry and Mitt Romney unexpectedly withdrew from the race in the wake of their weekend trouncing by former pizza executive Herman Cain in the pivotal Florida Straw Poll.

The two former governors – whose vote totals combined still fell 8% short of Cain’s among the 2,657 cast – issued their first, and presumably last, joint statement saying, “The people have spoken and their message has been received – loud and clear.” They also congratulated Jon Huntsman on his victory.

According to media analysts, this unexpected turn of events should provide the former Utah Gov. and Ambassador to China with a clear path to the GOP nomination and an ultimate showdown next fall with his former boss, President Barack Obama.

But Huntsman, who pundits widely agree has gained unstoppable momentum after obliterating all expectations of his Florida performance by garnering 2.3% of the straw poll vote, isn’t taking anything for granted.

“The nomination process is a marathon, not a sprint,” the last Mormon standing told the reporter covering his campaign outside an empty New Hampshire pancake house. “That’s why I just put a bigger fuel tank on my Hog.”

When asked about possible challenges to Huntsman from other candidates who are still technically in the race – such as Cain and Texas Congressman Ron Paul (who has consistently polled near the top of the pack in spite of an ongoing media boycott of his campaign) – most pundits agreed that once the dust has settled and the ‘insider money’, which to this point has remained on the sidelines, has been injected into the race, the eventual nominee will inevitably be the white male candidate who evokes the fewest mental health concerns.

According to Pueblo State University political science professor Newton Toomey, author of ‘Sanity and Conservative Political Rhetoric: The Blurring of the Lines’, Huntsman’s nomination appears to be all but a foregone conclusion. With the defections of Perry and Romney from the race, here’s how Prof. Toomey breaks down Huntsman’s competition:

  • Herman Cain, while a great public speaker with solid conservative credentials, can’t overcome the perception of many in the Party base that he is ‘Black’.
  • Ron Paul is too Libertarian to appeal to either moderates or the conservative base. The fact that he also seems to possess a Romulan cloaking device that renders him invisible to mainstream media may also be more than even his solid grassroots campaign can overcome.
  • Michele Bachmann is becoming ‘old news’ faster than Michaele Salahi, and recent polls indicate she can expect to be invited to even fewer events.
  • Rick Santorum – just Google ‘Santorum’ – ’nuff said.
  • Newt Gingrich simply sounds too reptilian to most people. His name doesn’t help either.
  • Sarah Palin (should she choose to run) is now upside down in polls among tea party supporters. She is also hindered by the fact that 42% of Republicans polled believe she and Michele Bachmann are the same person.
  • Rudy Giuliani (should he choose to run) saw his only issue die along with bin Laden.
  • New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie (should he choose to run) after his ‘suicide’ comment regarding a potential bid would appear, just for running, to be a bigger flip-flopper than Mitt Romney on healthcare. Also too little polish, too much Pillsbury.

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Posted by The System Stinks in General Discussion
Fri Sep 23rd 2011, 11:59 AM
SATIRE from: /

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today continued his tradition of stunning the international community during his annual appearances before the United Nations General Assembly – and most observers agree that he’ll probably never top this one.

Shortly before his departure from New York this morning, the former Tehran mayor and longtime falafel vendor announced that he is stepping down from his position as President of Iran in order to focus his full attention on his bid to win the Republican Party’s 2012 U.S. Presidential nomination.

Later, addressing an enthusiastic throng of professors and students at the grand opening of his latest business venture, ‘Mahmoud’s Kebab House and Beer Garden’ located on Columbia University’s Manhattan campus, Ahmadinejad vowed to, “obliterate Kenyan anti-colonial socialism from the American political map.” He also added that, if elected, his first priority as President would be to, “eradicate homosexuality – not just from the military and the institution of marriage, but from the entire country.”

When asked what he would do to help put Americans back to work, the instant Tea Party sensation responded, “I will rid the country of homosexuals like I did in Iran. That will free up businesses small and large alike to hire new workers free from the fear that any of their new employees will be gay.”

The candidate, who for the next month will be touring the United States to promote his newly published memoir, ‘Any Man Who Hates Catholics, Gays, and Jews Can’t Be All Bad’, has long been considered a serious threat to win the GOP nomination if he chose to run. According to FreedomWorks founder Dick Armey, “His core values are certainly consistent with those of the Party’s base. And frankly, I think the United States is ready for an openly Muslim President.”

Indeed, Fox News/Despots Weekly Magazine polls – the only major poll of likely Republican voters to have included Ahmadinejad all along – have consistently shown the blustery Iranian strongman ahead of all of his GOP rivals.

According to renowned political strategist Grant Cartman, an Ahmadinejad candidacy could be good news for former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney:

“President Ahmadinejad could very easily wind up splitting the so-called ‘Tea Party’ vote, leaving an opening for Romney to consistently win a plurality in the primaries. Polls have consistently shown that Ahmadinejad not only enjoys widespread support from people who would otherwise support Michele Bachmann but are concerned by her propensity to make outrageous statements, but also from those who like Rick Perry but find many of his views to be too extreme. Many independent voters are also impressed by the fact that he’s the only one of the leading Republican candidates who consistently pronounces the word ‘nuclear’ correctly.”
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Posted by The System Stinks in General Discussion
Thu Sep 15th 2011, 10:41 PM
Satire from /

Following his much ballyhooed dinner date with GOP front runner Rick Perry, Donald Trump wasted no time before his next high level tea party dinner powwow.

But when The Donald dined with tea party queens Michele and Dr. Marcus Bachmann less than 24 hours after breaking bread with Gov. Perry at the posh Jean Georges restaurant, even the most casual of observers was left wondering if his choice of venue wasn’t perhaps dictated by the most recent polls.

“When I entertain out-of-town visitors, I like to show off the many cuisines that we natives like to brag that New York offers the best in the world,” the ‘Hair Apparent’ told reporters, “Since Michele and Marcus spend most of their time in the middle of the country, I figured they might enjoy the New York version of what has always been one of my favorites, so I decided to take’em for Chincs.”

Thus, with the requisite cadre of press in tow, Trump’s limo led an impromptu motorcade through midtown Manhattan until they arrived at New York City’s ultimate Chinese food destination, Wok ‘n Roll at 36th Street and Avenue of the Americas.

The first awkward moment of the evening was averted when Trump jumped-in to rescue Congresswoman Bachmann who had confused the counter person by ordering the ‘tasting menu’ – echoing the popular option Perry enjoyed at Jean Georges the evening before. Ever quick on his feet, and long-since having Wok ‘n Roll’s entire menu committed to memory, The Donald ordered an extensive selection of appetizers and entrées for the entire party.

The rest of the dinner went without incident and an abundance of smiles could be seen as the trio chatted away while enjoying such exotic fare as egg rolls, wonton soup, and General Tso’s Chicken.

When asked what he most enjoyed about the dinner, Dr. Marcus Bachmann replied, “It was amazing – the presentation, the sinewy texture, the exotic aroma – I can’t remember the last time I yearned so badly to get my mouth around something.”

Responding to a follow-up question regarding the dish to which he was referring, the proprietor of Minnesota’s most successful gay repression therapy clinic sheepishly said, “Oh, I’m sorry. I was referring to the nice young gentleman who served us.”
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Posted by The System Stinks in General Discussion
Sun Sep 11th 2011, 08:52 PM
SATIRE from /

Former New York City Mayor and 2008 Republican presidential hopeful Rudolph W. Giuliani’s announcement that he has filed the necessary papers to officially change his name represents a clear sign to analysts, pundits, and street vendors alike that the man once known as ‘America’s Mayor’ will soon be jumping into the 2012 GOP primary race.

Appearing on the September 11th edition of CBS’s ‘Face the Nation’, Giuliani surprised hardly anyone when he first referred to himself as ‘Rudy 9/11′, but did raise more than a few eyebrows with his revelation that he is officially changing his name from ‘Rudolph W. Giuliani’ to ‘Rudy Nyneleven’. Speaking from the Ground Zero site of the newly dedicated 9/11 Memorial, he declined to address host Bob Schieffer’s questions about a possible 2012 bid, saying, “As I stand here on this hallowed ground, on the 10th anniversary of the profound tragedy that marked my finest hour – both personally, professionally, and politically – I feel it would be inappropriate and selfish to discuss my future, personal or political, at this time. I do expect, however, perhaps as soon as this evening, to be making an announcement via the website of my SuperPAC, which should answer all the questions so many people have been asking me lately about my plans.”

When asked if the 10th anniversary of the terrorist attacks that killed nearly 3000 innocents on American soil would be the appropriate time to announce, either way, what his decision regarding the 2012 campaign will be, Nyneleven bristled, “Of course it would be appropriate. It couldn’t possibly be more appropriate. September 11th is my day – I am 9/11. We are synonymous – one and the same. I am nothing without 9/11 and 9/11 is nothing without me…”

At that point, perhaps due to a technical glitch, the network cut to commercial.

A short time later when asked for comment, long time Nyneleven associate and Executive Director of Bernard Kerik, when reached at his residence in the federal correction facility at Cumberland, Maryland, told reporters, “While I cannot comment on what Rudy’s going to do, I will tell you to stay tuned for a major announcement.”

When asked for his thoughts on his longtime friend and associate’s name change, the former New York City Police Commissioner, interim Interior Minister of Iraq, and Bush administration nominee as US Secretary of Homeland Security responded, “I think it suits him perfectly. I also think he showed his genius in his choice of spelling ‘Nyneleven’. Not only does he make it easier for people to pronounce the name properly, but he also pays homage to his New York roots – something that should not be underestimated for any pro-choice Republican who may be running in a possibly pivotal New York primary.”

Regarding whether or not getting into the race at this late date might compromise his chances of success should Nyneleven announce his candidacy, Kerik, before rushing off to a previous engagement in the prison laundry, said, “Between his background as a former federal prosecutor and my experience as Commissioner of the NYPD as well as a security consultant to many of the world’s most wealthy and powerful individuals, the two of us possess knowledge that I am confident will inspire an overwhelming amount of campaign support in the way of contributions.”
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Posted by The System Stinks in General Discussion
Wed Sep 07th 2011, 07:50 AM
SATIRE from /

While eight 2012 Republican Presidential hopefuls prepare to take the stage Wednesday night at the Ronald Reagan Library in Simi Valley, California and an anxious 24/7 cable and Internet news industry drools in anticipation of Texas Gov. Rick Perry’s first televised debate on the national stage, a movement that could render the entire exercise moot is underway – and quickly gaining momentum.

With several national polls showing the generic ‘Any Republican’ outperforming both Gov. Perry and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney (currently the two clear front runners for the GOP nomination) in a head-to-head race with incumbent President Barack Obama, the so-called ’smart money’ – currently sitting on the sidelines reluctant to support any of the declared candidates – is looking for a fresh horse to bet on, and they may have found one.

Conservative philanthropist and retired lunchmeat entrepreneur Hamm S. Andwich has always maintained that he harbors no aspirations of holding public office. Yet as a self-described “American who has re-dedicated his life to the service of friends, neighbors and countrymen,” he recently has very conspicuously dropped his use of the word ‘never’ when queried about a possible Presidential bid “if substantial support clearly exists.”

And apparently, it does.

A recent Desperate Blogger/Artie’s Shoe and Leather Repair Poll indicated that 54% of registered Republicans and a staggering 82% of registered Independents preferred Hamm S. Andwich to any of the currently declared GOP candidates. These numbers contrast sharply with a similar study conducted during the 2008 campaign in which, before his selection of then Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin as his running mate, John McCain not only polled eight and 11 points higher than Andwich and the late Oscar M. Wiener respectively, but also six points ahead of Democratic nominee Barack Obama.

“The Republican ‘establishment’ money isn’t so much concerned with candidates’ policies – their primary concern is electability,” according to campaign strategist Newton Toomey. “For the astronomical sums of money they commit to a campaign, they want to back a winner, and they don’t take a losing lightly. For example, one need look no further than the ongoing hissy fit which began just after Sen. McCain chose the Wasilla Wizard as his running mate over the establishment choice of Alan Keyes after the Bush administration had spent eight years working to ensure that, after Bush/Cheney, the country would be prepared to embrace an African-American candidate on a major party ticket.”

For their part, the Obama campaign appears unfazed by the prospect of such a widely recognized, popular newcomer throwing his hat into the GOP ring. A statement released to the media just yesterday read, in part:

“While we have the utmost respect for his accomplishments and his service to our country, and recognize the popularity he enjoys – and deservedly so – with the American people, we nonetheless believe that regardless of how many voters admire him and like him personally, deep down most Americans realize that at this crucial point in our nation’s history neither they, or America for that matter, can afford a Hamm S. Andwich.”

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Posted by The System Stinks in General Discussion
Fri Sep 02nd 2011, 11:06 AM

Under the most bizarre of circumstances, Sarah Palin announced this morning that she has decided to endorse Texas Governor Rick Perry for President in the 2012 elections.

In a moment described by a staffer as, “just one of those little tricks the mind plays on people sometimes,” the former half-term Alaska Governor, upon seeing the crowd gathered outside her ‘One Nation’ tour bus at an Indianola, Iowa shopping mall – and also apparently forgetting what day it was -- believed she was at tomorrow’s Tea Party of America rally, and began reading the prepared remarks which had already been neatly printed on her hands.

“Rick Perry is not only a man of principle whose values are right for America, but he’s also the shrewdest politician I’ve ever been able to keep up with,” she told the startled but delighted throng, “and for those and many other reasons, I am today announcing my support for him -- not only for President of the United States, but also for President of the Republic of Texas. The wisdom, the courage, and the leadership skills he possesses make him perhaps the only candidate out there who is capable of reuniting Texas and the United States, and putting 'legals' back to work.”

Fielding questions from the one journalist who just happened to be present for her unexpected bombshell announcement, Skippy Ludwick of the Indianola Central High Clarion, the more-disoriented-than-usual prospective GOP candidate stated unequivocally that her endorsement of Perry should in no way be interpreted as an indication that she has decided not to run.

“I’m keeping my options open – it’s every woman’s prerogative to change her mind. In the meantime, I can still legally collect speaking fees while I’m ‘sorta’ campaigning,” she told the evenly-matched sophomore cub reporter, further explaining, “If I’m going to take such a big hit in earnings in order to serve the greatest country in the four-or-so thousand year history of the universe, I need to make as much as I can before I announce. I have a family to think about. And let me tell ya’, the girls and my taste in clothes has totally outgrown good ‘ol Todd’s salary, God bless him.”

When pressed for an explanation as to how the Wasilla Wizard could possibly have mistaken a group of parking lot gawkers for tomorrow’s scheduled rally, Newton Toomey, a senior aide who spoke on condition of anonymity responded, “It’s actually quite understandable. She saw a crowd in mall parking lot with hastily written, misspelled signs and a very low per capita number of teeth. Anybody might have thought it was a Tea Party rally.”
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Posted by The System Stinks in General Discussion
Thu Sep 01st 2011, 04:47 PM
SATIRE from /

Speaking at a press conference on the grounds of his La Jolla, California vacation compound, former 2012 GOP presidential front-runner Mitt Romney today ‘broke ground’ on his proposed jobs creation plan, which he claims, “will create a jobs Mecca in the United States that people around the world will look to and pray they had five times a day.”

The Secondary Home/Ancillary Residence Investment Act – dubbed ‘SHARIA’ by the former Massachusetts governor – would provide a two-for-one tax credit for taxpayers who improve and/or expand their vacation homes or any other non-primary residence.

“By making it profitable for those who create jobs in our private sector to also create jobs on their private property as well, I predict SHARIA will result in a hiring tsunami that will wash away the current unemployed – and after all, shouldn’t that be our number one priority?” asked the solid number two, who was dressed casually in a smoking jacket and baby seal slippers. “In fact, if you look behind me right now, my own planned expansion will create at least 27 high-paying jobs where they’re needed – right here in La Jolla. And that’s not even counting the illegals.”

The candidate also added that as President, he would personally see that his plan was implemented to create jobs in Washington DC by expanding and renovating the White House. “That would have to be priority number one, not just for the image of the country but also out of consideration for my family – not to mention the office of the Presidency. Right now the place is totally inadequate – I mean, do they really expect the President and first family of a civilized country to be comfortable in a little dump like that?”

Appearing puzzled and somewhat offended that reporters’ questions then focused on widespread criticism that he is ‘out of touch’ with mainstream America, ‘The Mittster’ (as he is known to his country club friends) fired back:

“You know, I’ve heard people say that, and I honestly don’t know how the whole thing started. But my staff is on it, and we’re planning to roll out some new video spots and we’ve also lined up some really ‘happening’ entertainment for our fundraisers that should prove to people once and for all that I’m totally down with a wide range of demographics. We’ll be making an official announcement once the lineup and schedule are complete, but to give you an idea, Par Boone is already on board, and for the youngsters we’ve managed to sign none other than the Bay City Rollers. We’re confident that once you see what we have in store, all that ‘out of touch’ nonsense will die faster than the Pawlenty campaign did.

… So I hope now somebody wants to ask me about SHARIA and why I think it will move our economy and our country forward…”

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Posted by The System Stinks in General Discussion
Wed Aug 31st 2011, 09:40 PM
No Virginia, there is no Santa Claus.

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor prides himself on being consistent. Before all of the missing had been found earlier this year after a category five tornado ravaged Joplin, Missouri, the Virginia Republican announced that he would not support funding for emergency aid without concurrent cuts elsewhere in the budget.

Again, earlier this week, while some were still missing and none of the dead yet buried in the aftermath of Hurricane Irene, Cantor appeared on Fox News to reiterate the same position, telling anchor Martha MacCallum that Congress “will find the money” but “like any family with a sick loved one” will have to decide what otherwise planned spending will have to be cut first. While Democrats as well as some Republicans take the position that, “… a family with credit won’t hesitate, in an emergency, to charge the expenses immediately and rework their budget after the crisis has passed…” many fear that Cantor’s insistence on cuts being agreed upon before emergency aid is appropriated could have catastrophic and perhaps life-threatening consequences.

But while the current Congress inevitably will fail to reach an accord in time to help many of Irene’s victims, Cantor nonetheless proudly announced yesterday that an agreement on cuts to allow for emergency relief had been reached regarding a matter which is much more personal to him.

Upon learning of college tuition increases affecting his two oldest children – an unexpected misfortune which followed closely on the heels of his youngest child’s well-publicized Xbox tragedy – the six term conservative and former Minority Whip called a family meeting and announced that the extra tuition could not be paid nor the Xbox replaced without spending cuts elsewhere to offset the expense.

According to Newton Toomey, a longtime Cantor staff member who spoke on condition of anonymity due to the sensitivity and private nature of the negotiations, “Initially, Rep. Cantor was adamant that either there would be ‘no Christmas’ for the children this year, or, as an alternative, they could each forgo two lunches per week during the school year.” Finally, after 2 1/2 weeks of negotiations which Toomey described as “intense and often combative,” the two sides finally settled on a compromise arrangement under which the three siblings will give up desserts – the youngest for the upcoming school year, and the two attending college for a full 12 months.

Once the deal had been finalized, Cantor reportedly commented to Diana Fine, a prominent local attorney and CPA, “I’m not quite sure how I went so soft in the end, except to say that sometimes every father spoils his children a little…”

When reached for comment, Ms. Fine, who is also Cantor’s wife of 22 years and is rumored to have once been ‘intimate’ with the Congressman, told reporters, “He is my husband. We don’t believe in divorce.”

August 31st, 2011 | Tags: emergency spending, Eric Cantor, federal budget, FEMA, Hurricane Irene | Category: Politics, Satire |
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Posted by The System Stinks in General Discussion
Tue Aug 23rd 2011, 02:52 PM
SATIRE from: /

A morning rally on Wall Street appeared to gain momentum after a 5.9 magnitude earthquake centered outside Washington shook buildings and frayed nerves up and down the Northeast Corridor. At 2:45 PM Eastern time, the Dow Jones Industrial Average was up 209 points, as jubilant investors 'welcomed the news as sending a strong message to legislators in spite of their being out of town on summer recess'. As one veteran trader put it, "Had Congress actually been in session, I think you'd have seen the Dow up about 1200."

A spokesman for Harold Camping told reporters that the noted doomsday prognosticator, "will issue a statement as soon as he's had time to check his math."

Pat Robertson, the renowned TV evangelist, amateur seismologist, and recent Bingo Caller Hall Of Fame inductee issued a statement calling the temblor "a clear sign from God that He is not pleased with happenings in our nation's capital." Robertson also expressed a degree of surprise that there had not yet been any reports of damage in Martha's Vineyard.

Standard & Poor's President Deven Sharma welcomed Robertson's comments, and went so far as to suggest that, "If those members of Congress most willing to heed Mr. Robertson's warnings actually change their tune – as well as their tone – in tackling fiscal policy matters, it would seem likely that an environment would be created which would allow S&P to reinstate the United States' AAA credit rating -- and hopefully get the Justice Department off of our backs."

While the quake was not felt on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, the rumbling did cause the Manhattan District Attorney's Office to postpone a scheduled press conference regarding the dismissal of sexual assault charges against disgraced former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn. When reached by reporters for comment, Strauss-Kahn told reporters, "At the time of the quake, I was in my Tribeca townhouse celebrating my good fortune with a female friend. Fortunately, I was able to convince her – as I had first believed – that it was I who was responsible for what we had both just experienced."
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Posted by The System Stinks in General Discussion: Presidency
Wed Aug 17th 2011, 01:14 PM
Satire from /

Editors Note: While a request to the Perry campaign for an interview was denied citing scheduling conflicts, Gov. Perry was gracious enough to consent to the brief ‘get acquainted’ written Q & A which appears below. We wish to thank the governor and his staff, particularly his personal assistant, Pronto, for their cooperation.

Section 1: General Information

Please indicate both your favorite and least favorite of the following:

Color: favorite = burnt orange; least favorite = non-white
Food: favorite = chili; least favorite = Mexican
Musician: favorite = Willie Nelson, Ted Nugent; least favorite = hip-hop
Song: favorite = Yellow Rose of Texas; least favorite = Battle Hymn of the Republic
Actor: favorite = Chuck Norris; least favorite = Sean Penn
Actress: favorite = Dolly Parton: least favorite = Angelina Jolie
Movie: favorite = The Alamo; least favorite = documentaries, subtitled
Biblical Character: favorite = Jesus; least favorite = Yul Brynner

Section 2: Politics

Please indicate both your favorite and least favorite of the following:

State: favorite = Texas; least favorite = Puerto Rico
Judge: favorite = Roy Bean; least favorite = Thurgood Marshall
Constitutional Amendment: favorite = 2nd, 10th; least favorite = the rest
President: favorite = Jefferson Davis: least favorite = Barack Obama

Final Question:

Q: As a self-described Evangelical Conservative embarking on your first campaign for national office, are you confident that you will have enough appeal to a broad spectrum of the electorate to prevail in a general election?

A: While I am supremely confident that I have enough broad appeal to carry me through any situation, I do my best not to think about such things as I am a married man.
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Posted by The System Stinks in General Discussion
Tue Aug 16th 2011, 11:48 AM
Satire from /

Should Congress continue as normal with its summer recess, or return to Washington to work on the myriad of crises facing the country?

It appears that the people are as divided on this issue as their representatives are on everything else, albeit with a far more civil tone.

“Who let these bastards leave their posts in the first place?” asked longtime credit card model John Q. Public, “Can you name anybody else who screws up their job that bad who doesn’t get fired – let alone a five-week paid vacation?”

Others expressed a desire to see both the House and Senate remain in session for other reasons.

“I want to know they’re in Washington and not among the general population – especially young children,” said Fr. John W. Gacy of Our Lady of the Holy Assault Weapon Church in Devil’s Lake, South Dakota, “when they’re back in their states and districts, they always seem to find excuses to spend time in and around schools. Frankly, it weirds me out. I feel better knowing I can turn on C-Span and get a live shot of their empty seats, knowing that there’s a slim chance they could show up on my screen at any moment.”

Others, however, see things differently. Most who favored that the summer recess continue shared the view that those in office should have ample time to meet face-to-face with their constituents, with priorities ranging from ‘so they can face the music’ to ‘so they can see what they have done’ to ‘so that the voters can not only share, but also demonstrate how they feel’.

Of course, others cited different reasons.

The most common answer among this group wasn’t so much an answer as two questions: “Why shouldn’t they take time off? Haven’t you seen enough of what happens when they don’t?”

Or, as Minnesota’s Tim Pawlenty, a self-described politician who expressed gratitude for being noticed put it, “The less time they’re in D.C., the less harm they can do. Right now, even I’m more qualified than most of them. That’s why I’d been hoping to land a job there.”

But while 14% of those polled approve of the job Congress is doing, 17% believe that their representative should be re-elected. Renowned political psychologist Tony Vita explained this discrepancy, or as he describes it, “phenomenon”:

“People view their Congressperson as someone who represents them and their ‘home’, and consequently develop an almost reflexive defense mechanism – perhaps because they believe this person is somehow a reflection of themselves, or perhaps because they view them as an authority figure — like a parent — on whom their quality of life depends. This is why so many seem to blindly support whoever their representative is, often in spite of the fact that they would have chosen someone else. Just as with most adults who would tell you that they’ve always loved their parents, these voters suffer from a sort of offshoot of Stockholm Syndrome. Unfortunately, until an effective treatment can be found, the public should anticipate unacceptably high levels of incumbency.”

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Posted by The System Stinks in General Discussion
Mon Aug 08th 2011, 09:41 PM
(SATIRE from )

In the wake of last Friday’s Standard & Poor’s downgrade of the United States’ long-term debt — which focused in large part on the effect that the nation’s political climate may have on its future creditworthiness – nine Wall Street brokerage houses today took the unprecedented step of issuing ratings on the Tea Party, with six announcing that they will also initiate coverage of actual political parties in the coming weeks.

“More and more savvy investors are seeing the connection between their elected officials and their bottom lines,” noted Citigroup’s Juniper Toomey, “so we felt it only proper to provide insight that might keep more of our clients away from rooftops, bridges, and open windows between now and the 2012 elections.”

Analysts at Citigroup, like six of the eight others, initiated its Tea Party coverage with a ‘Sell’ rating, indicating their belief that the movement’s value will decline by 15% or more within the next 12 months. Ms. Toomey, who authored the report explaining their outlook, told reporters, “The last several years have seen cataclysmic shifts in political climates, particularly those in the United States and the oil rich Middle East. The uncertainty caused by the present U.S. climate – ushered in by the ‘Tea Party Era’– results from uneasiness on the part of investors that a representative democracy can adequately function without compromise. Or to put it in layman’s terms, ‘the fastest way to find a bottom is to put a bunch of assholes in charge’.”

Tea Party Patriots spokesman Weir Dippschitz dismissed the analyst’s claims, saying, “The whole notion of ‘political climate change’ is nothing more than a left-wing hoax based on dubious science and economics used as an excuse to defend big government and gay marriage. O.k. – so the market is down more than 10% in the last two trading sessions. People forget that the market dropped 22% in one day back in October of 1987. Not coincidentally, that was also the last time we had a liberal in the White House who also raised taxes on job creators – even going so far as to make the top bracket 50%.”

Mr. Dippschitz then pointed out that Wall Street was not unanimous in its view of the Tea Party by reading the following excerpt from the one brokerage house that initiated its coverage with a ‘Buy’ rating:

“The Tea Party has not only swept into Washington by mounting many a white steed, but we believe that given free rein to continue, it will do the same for Wall Street. Their confident swagger, steadfast resolve, blind faith in their vision, and courage in the face of modern advances in science and technology remind us of ourselves in 2007-2008. Without these same attributes, we at Lehman Brothers would never have earned the place we have in our nation’s history.”

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