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aquart's Journal - Archives
Posted by aquart in General Discussion
Thu Jun 23rd 2011, 08:50 PM
I have an unpaid student loan. I am truly irresponsible. This IS on me. That makes it worse.

I can mitigate. I can say I wouldn't have even applied to graduate school if my father hadn't promised to pay every dime of it. Which is true. Or that Columbia pushed me into a loan more beneficial to them than me, which my sister insists is true but I don't know. I have trouble filling out forms. They did it for me. I wasn't formally diagnosed with Adult Attention Deficit Disorder (God, do I hate admitting being defective but that's how bad it is tonight) until nearly 50, in 1995 and I credit Ritalin with the MFA certificate I have somewhere. But one of the weirdnesses is that small, easily-resolved questions can become huge stumbling blocks. I was on Medicaid until I failed to fill out a form correctly.

In 1992, according to the voice on the phone tonight, I signed papers taking out a $20,000 loan. Of which I received $14,000 because they (whoever "they" were) took out "points," but now owe $77,000.

When the loan was half that, my mother took a reverse mortgage on a then highly valued house and offered to pay off the loan and told her brother the lawyer to do what was necessary. He didn't. They won't negotiate student loans and he wanted to use the ADD to declare me some kind of disabled which I still don't believe and neither do most people. So he let it slide until he died.

The woman on the phone tonight wanted my mother to take every dime she has left in her house and pay them. My mom is 90 with stage 4 lymphoma. Of her two surviving daughters, I'm the healthy one. (Also the one unable to wear shoes due to foot surgery...but I can wear Uggs and certain sandals.) My sister is having neck surgery this fall to prevent further degradation of her spine. If it succeeds, she has been promised three months of truly terrible pain. So I can't tell my mother and my sister about this.

That's more than I ever wanted to tell anyone. It leaves out a lot but that's enough poor pitiful me. As frightened as I am, my bum feet are still there, I still have a home, there are still some people I love who love me. I know that makes me one of the lucky ones. But tonight I am so scared. I don't see any way out and if this ever-increasing amount doesn't crush me today, when will it?
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