Sigh.

I found out via MySpace that my HS ex is in his second year of med school on a Carribean island. (No, it’s not likely he is lying.)

The guy I married is a courier.

So…am I scum for caring? I think what I care about most is the ambition. HS guy wound up being an ass and way too devoted to his own projects, but, my hubby lacks any drive to do anything but play Yahoo pool all day. Something in the middle would be good, at least.

I wish sometimes I didn’t get married and followed the grad school track. Is that wrong, too? I never wanted to be a doctor/nurse/lawyer, though I have a fair aptitude for the lawyerly stuff. I might get an MBA one day just to get one...My BA is in English and I’m currently severely underemployed. The business degree could be helpful with my goal to work with a non-profit. Currently I’m on a grant writing committee. Having the heart and idealism to work with/run a charity plus the shrewdness to run it like a business and deal with businesses on their terms when soliciting is something I’m not seeing much with my org.

I do enjoy the growth and perspective I am getting from the “real world” vs. sheltering myself in grad school and falling flat on my face. But, I do find myself running daily into the soft discrimination of low expectations (yeah, that’s a Shrub paraphrase, but it does fit my observations on how I’m treated as a young pink-collar woman very, very well) And how my ex is doing just makes me feel, well, incredibly lazy, like I’ve fallen behind some script I’m supposed to be following. Which is stupid. Everyone has their own life. It just throws into stark contrast the feeling I’ve had for a while that I could be doing a lot more with myself.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I guess I find myself envious of the success of others because my life has been sucking. And I know it’s low, and wrong. But the bootstrap thing isn’t working out for me. The Texan old-boys club doesn’t think young ladies wear bootstraps at all.