Let me be the first to agree with Larry Craig on this board. It's true; he's not really gay. All my gay friends can now relax: Larry Craig is not one of you. But don't panic DU heteros; Larry Craig doesn't swing our way either. Whew. And no, I'm not playing word games only to lead you on and then cop out and label him as bi, either. He's not bisexual OR homosexual OR heterosexual...

The truth is, Larry Craig has the same sexual orientation as just about every other hypocrite who's given us such delight around here lately. Larry Craig is a Republosexual. He's an active, practicing, dyed in the wool, card carrying member of the Republosexual Party. Heck, at this point he's leading the charge for the Republosexual Revolution.

Republosexuals, you see, don't get off on men or on women or on children or on New Orleans hookers smearing feces into their adult diapers after a good spanking. Nope, that's not the key to their hearts. Republosexuals are people who are sexually gratified only by practicing that which they profess to hate the most. And there's more of them out there than you're aware of.

Oh, sure we can all name David Vitter, Mark Foley, Jack Ryan, Henry Hyde, Dick Morris, Bob Livingston, Matthew Glavin, Newt Gingrich, Michael Flory, Edward Schrock, Jim West, Robert Packwood, Ted Haggard, and a host of other obviously sexual implosions among our right wing compatriots. But while the nature of their predilictions may all seem a quite varied--from Christian Coalition leader Beverly Russell sleeping with his step daughter to Johnson County Republican Party Chairman Sam Walls crossdressing to look like Polly Holliday--the reality is that only one thing turns their crank. These are men who are sexually aroused by hypocricy.



They don't get off to porn or whipping or reaming or step-children or even power. They get off to bastardizing everything they stand for. Or more properly, they get off to standing up and denouncing exactly what they themselves are.

And it's not just hypocricy about sex that drives them to orgiastic pleasures. Who denounced the drug culture of the 70s more than Rush Limbaugh? Who denounced moral decay more than million dollar loser Bill Bennet? What was this if not public masturbation? Or think about George Allen. He denied he was Jewish, denied he was Algerian, denied he was a racist. Sure, we all then saw video of him using a racial slur distinctive to the Algerian Jewish community. What you didn't see was him later cleaning the Bavarian Cream out of his boxer shorts--having just achieved a perfect trifecta of Republosexual gratification.

So don't get bogged down in trying to figure out which perversion the latest GOP hypocrite is really guilty of. They've all got the same orientation. They're Republosexuals.

(a note of thanks: This essay would not have been possible without the aid of the excellent research at Armchair Subversive website