Dear John,
Sometimes, someone who hates you will be more honest with you than a friend. The friend might be afraid of hurting your feelings while I am not. I'll just come out and say it. The next time you go to "Tans R Us" at the strip mall, pick a fucking color that actually occurs in nature. You know, one that looks like the actual result of flesh getting some sunlight. You look like you fell asleep in a vat of Tang. Now, by Tang I don't mean the slang for vagina (god knows you GOPigs are afraid of THAT), I mean the orange flavored drink that astronauts like. You remind me of that episode of "Friends" where Ross was getting a spray tan only to keep getting his front sprayed by accident ("Four twos...you mean I'm an EIGHT?!"). I'd love to smack the arrogant out of you, but I'm afraid my hand would become stained orange.

toodles,
Cheap_Trick

p.s. Just a quick reminder to you and the rest of the rank and vile....a BLACK man is your boss. Choke on THAT, losers.