Since Skinner did a post-mortem of last week's Democratic debate, I thought I'd better put something together for the Republican debate (especially since there's no Top 10 this week). I can't promise it will be as thoughtful as Skinner's, but what the heck, let's give it a whirl.

The clear winner of the debate was: Ronald Reagan. Frankly I'm surprised they didn't just dig up his coffin and see who could masturbate into it the quickest. Maybe next time, eh? I'll say this: for a party that's held control of Congress for most of the past 14 years and currently has a two-term president in the White House, they spent an awful lot of time fawning over a dead guy who stopped being president 20 years ago.

The biggest loser was: Iran, apparently.

The smoothest operator was: Tommy Thompson. During the debate Thompson announced that employers should be free to discriminate against gays. Five minutes after the debate, his campaign retracted the remarks saying that he "misheard the question." See if you can figure out which part he misheard:


The most useless person in the room was: Chris Matthews. Could those questions have been any more pointless? Somebody should give this guy a nightly cable news talk show.

The most Reaganesque moment was when: Mitt Romney struggled to remember what he'd said last week.

The Mike Gravel Award goes to: Ron Paul, for being the guy who was apparently just looking for the bathroom, took a wrong turn, and accidentally ended up on the stage.

The biggest no-show was: George W. Bush. Don't expect to see George hitting the campaign trail much next year - that spot is clearly reserved for Saint Ronald of Reagan. As for the candidates themselves, the biggest no-show had to be whatsisname. That guy, you know, used to be governor of Virginia. Oh, it's on the tip of my tongue.

The surprise of the night was: the fact that Rudy Giuliani managed to say "September 11" fewer than 200 times.

The wackiest duffer was: John McCain. Quick tip, John - at the next debate you might want to brandish a cane and shout "Get off my lawn!" in between questions. The field of candidates is already packed with cranky old white men; this will help you to show the audience who can really dodder.

The best moment of the debate was when: three candidates - Brownback, Tancredo, and Huckabee - raised their hands to acknowledge that they don't believe in evolution. No doubt they're also baffled about how the debate was projected into people's homes via magic glowing boxes. They were later seen leaving the debate together in a horse-drawn carriage, presumably heading back to Brownback's for a candlelit discussion on the latest developments in the Crimea.

Well, that was an hour and a half of my life I'll never get back...