The United States warned Turkey that any attack on Northern Iraq would be considered an annexation of all of Iraq. "Yep," President Bush telephoned the Turkish Premier, "You can have Iraq back. I didn’t sign this Treaty of Versace, so as far as we’re concerned you guys still own Iraq, Syria, Arabia and–well maybe you could sublet Israel. From what Cheney tells me, the Middle East was a lot better when you were running it. And between us, Ottoman Empire isn’t as silly a name as Turkey."

Anticipating objections to the restoration of the Ottoman Empire, the White House promised to arrest Peter O’Toole and Omar Sharif; the rest of the cast had the foresight to be already dead.

I highly recommend me, too.

Here is my "tribute" to Ayn Rancid:

Today I want to pay tribute to my fellow satirist Alicia Rosenbaum, who actually made a cult of bad manners. Jack Kirby or Stan Lee could have immortalized her as a comicbook heroine: Super Yenta. However, she preferred to reinvent herself as Ayn Rand.

Her philosophy, Objectivism, is a synonym for Chutzpahism. At my local supermarket, I frequently encounter her disciples, the Hadassah Kamikazes, who ram their shopping carts into you and then complain about your clumsiness.

This is the 50th anniversary of her novel “Atlas Shrugged”, a sociopath’s guide to ridiculous writing. If you can’t get enough of bombastic prose, I’d recommend “The Ayn Rand Cookbook.”

Just savor her recipe for brisket.

First, take an inferior species: the unimaginative would use a cow; if you really want to assert your superiority, use a family pet.

Then, place yourself and the animal in a vat of boiling water. If you scream, start over and repeat until you master your weakness.


EugeneF

www.FinermanWorks.com