The United States warned Turkey that any attack on Northern Iraq would be considered an annexation of all of Iraq. "Yep," President Bush telephoned the Turkish Premier, "You can have Iraq back. I didn’t sign this Treaty of Versace, so as far as we’re concerned you guys still own Iraq, Syria, Arabia and–well maybe you could sublet Israel. From what Cheney tells me, the Middle East was a lot better when you were running it. And between us, Ottoman Empire isn’t as silly a name as Turkey."

Anticipating objections to the restoration of the Ottoman Empire, the White House promised to arrest Peter O’Toole and Omar Sharif; the rest of the cast had the foresight to be already dead.