Okay...it's stupid, it's offensive, it's the latest cheesy, crappy play that I've written out of boredom. If you don't like it, feel free to throw tomatoes. If you do like it, then something is wrong with you. If you can sit throught the whole thing, then you must be even more bored than I am. None of the characters in my play...ahem...represent real people, so don't flame me . Anyways, I thought it might lighten the mood a little.

On edit: I would like to dedicate this awful piece of writing to my good friend Goblinmonger. It takes a really sick mind to enjoy anything I write.

Without further Ado, here is the entire first Act of the play. God be with you!

ACT I Scene I
Scene opens on Evoman: He is absentmindedly scratching his rear, when he hears a yelp:

Evoman: What the fuck was that?

Ass Pimple: It is I...I have come to deliver the news.

Evoman: *Puts his ass to the mirror* Whaaaa....my ass is talking!

AP: No..quit looking at your crack..I'm over hear *it throbs conspiciously*

Evoman: But your just an ass pimple with no mouth. How are you talking to me"

AP: Will you stop worrying about the logistics of it. Just listen to my words, my son.

Evoman: Yes, I will listen....don't really have a choice. You hurt too much to scratch off.

AP: Enough! I AM "I AM:. I'm the alpha and the omega. I have a message you must share with the world!

Evoman: Fine, fine. Go ahead.

AP: You must tell the world that I am the only god. You must use my existence to cast doubt into the believers of the orthodox religions.

Evoman: God? How exactly are you a god...I mean, don't get me wrong. Your REALLY impressive for what you are, but a god? I doubt a real god could be killed by some salicylic acid or vitamin A cream.

AP: DOUBTER! YE OF LITTLE FAITH!

Evoman: I mean...Jesus could cure people, and Mohammed rode a flying horse. And Yahweh..that guy would send you a plague if you grabbed yourself while peeing. But you...

AP: HEATHEN! YOU WILL LISTEN!

Evoman: Alright Alright. True god, doubt into believers of orthodoxies, alpha and omega..gotcha.

AP: YOU WILL CONVINCE THE WORLD OF THIS!

Evoman: Fine! Stop your throbbing..but I have to ask you... how the hell am I going to do that?

AP: I have an advantage that no other religion has..I can convince people with no faith.

Evoman: Oh?

AP: Well...People can actually see me...I mean, I am a talking ass pimple.

Evoman: Wow..actual evidence. That sure beats the other guy.

AP: Yep. Now pass the word.

Evoman: I will!


Next Scene: Evoman bumps into his friends Steam Me Up Loudly, Blotsky, Broom and Comic Steambreeze.

Evoman: Hey guys! Have you heard the news!

SMUL: Hey Evoman, I find you incredibly hot and want to have your babies.

Evoman: I know, I know...but there are more important things to talk about right now....I want to talk about something serious!

Blotsky: *BURRRRP*

Comic Steambreeze: Tell us already goddamit. I'm too fucking old and grumpy to have to sit here and talk to you young whippersnappers.

Evoman: okay guys...have I got something interesting to show YOU!!! *pulls down pants*

SMUL: Impressive!

Evoman: Okay..no...Steam...stop looking at my alpha, and have a gander at my omega!

Comic Steambreeze: DAMN...thats huge. Maybe you should get it taken care of.

SMUL: I think it may be infected.

ASS PIMPLE: SILENCE! IT IS I, YOUR NEW GOD! I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OME...

Broom: Wait. Are you female?

AP: WHAT?

Broom: Are you female?

AP: I'm well...WHAT DOES IT MATTER! I'm trying to talk here and...

Broom: I'm not worshipping a male ass pimple, is all I'm saying.

AP: I'M AN ASS PIMPLE...do I look like I have genitilia!

SMUL: No! But wait....you don't really have a mouth either.. how are you talking.... I mean..

Blotsky: BURRRRPPPP

End of Scene


Scene II

Time: Two weeks later.

Scene opens: Evoman is sitting on a large, soft pillow in his apartment. He is looking through his mail when he comes up a letter from the Census bureau.

Evoman: What? What’s this shit? I’ve already mailed my stupid census information.

Muffled voice: SILENCE! MUST YOU USE SUCH LANGUAGE? I STRONGLY DISAPPROVE.

Evoman: Huh? I was swearing up a storm yesterday when I accidentally scrubbed you in the shower.

AP: THAT WAS DIFFERENT. YOU DIDN’T USE….THAT…WORD.

Evoman: What? Shit? What’s wrong with saying shit?

AP:…….it hits a little to close to home.

Evoman: Yes, your location close to the rectum. I can imagine it’s hard having an asshole for a neighbour *snicker*. I apologize.

AP: AHEM…RIGHT. ANYHOW, READ THE LETTER MORTAL!

Evoman: *reads the letter* Oh…they need me to come down to the downtown office. Apparently, they need me to confirm that I am no longer living with my grandma, at my grandparents old house. Huh…that makes no sense.

AP: QUESTION NOT THE AUTHORITIES!

Evoman: Damn it. Okay, I guess I have to go. *Evoman puts on his jacket, and very carefully puts on his new pants*

End of Scene

Scene III

Time: half an hour later

Scene opens: Evoman is on the bus, heading downtown. In the seat in front, two people are having a discussion.

Keilbassa Sausage: So where are you heading, Deadheadio?

Deadheadio: I’m going to go visit an old friend at the graveyard. He is no longer with us.

Keilbassa Sausage: Oh dear….that’s terrible. When did he pass away?

Deadheadio: We don’t know….he’s just been missing for a long time. We have a tombstone, but no body….its really all rather sad. We suspect that he may be another victim of that serial killer theus suspect has been around these parts.

Keilbassa Sausage: Oh my god….you mean………..

Deadheadio: Yes….The Skinner.

Keilbassa Sausage: Gods, that’s terrible.

Deadheadio: The lord givith and the lord taketh away.

Keilbassa Sausage: It must be part of god’s plan.

AP: YOU HAVE CHOSEN THE WRONG LORD! HE IS A FAKE!

Keilbassa Sausage and Deadheadio turn around: Did you say something?

Evoman: uh………no. You see, I’m talking out of my ass.

Deadheadio: Yes, you are.

AP: HEATHENS! REPENT! FOR I AM…

Evoman: *mumbles* the alpha and the omega….ugh.

AP: THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA.

Deadheadio: Wow….that’s the best vetriloquism I’ve ever heard.

Evoman: this is my stop….sorry to have bothered you.

*Evoman quickly rushes out of the bus*

Evoman: Oh…there is the census office. Lets go.

*Evoman approaches the census office, only the realize the building is locked. A sign on the door says its closed*
Evoman: Aww crap…

AP: HEY! WATCH THE LANGUAGE.

Evoman: So what should we do now……I’m hungry.

AP: There is a bar to your right…LET US GO THERE.

Evoman: The Stable…..aw no….that place is a sty. You can catch VD just by sitting on one of their stools. And, frankly, the last thing I need right now is another lump below the belt.

AP: YOU HAVE NO CHOICE! GO!

Evoman: alright fine.

End of Scene


Scene IV:

Time: 15 minutes later

Scene opens with Evoman sitting at the bar. One of the waitresses, a delicate pretty lady, is approaching him. A name tag on her shirt identifies her as Aququauququa.

Aququauququa: What can I get you?

Evoman: What do you have?

Aququauququa: This bar has everything. Why limit yourself to one sort of food, I always say.

Evoman:…..okay, can you be more specific?

Aququauququa: I would rather not put that sort of limitation on your choices.

Evoman: *exasperated* Well, do you have a menu?

Aququauququa: *waves at the whole bar* This is your menu

Evoman: Dammit! Fine, fine….just give me a ham and cheese sandwich, please.

Aququauququa: *passes Evoman a dish containing lentils and rice between bread*

Evoman: Huh? This isn’t ham and cheese!

Aququauququa: Yes. That is my concept of ham and cheese…we all have our own conc…

Evoman: NEVER MIND. Forget it…just give me a slice of that choclate cake you have over there.

Aququauququa: Here you go.

Evoman: Thank you.

*as Evoman eats his cake, he gets noticeably more uncomfortable. Pretty soon he is cringing*

Evoman: WHAT THE….

AP: MY SON…..HE IS BEING BORN. BLESSED BE THIS DAY!

Evoman: Oh dear god no…not anoth…..

AP: Hello, son!

Ass pimple junior: Hey dad.

Evoman: Dammit…shouldn’t have had the chocolate cake. I can’t live like this. FIRE…..cleansing fire. Fire will make everything all right . FIRE.

AP: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

Evoman: I can’t let the world suffer your presence anymore. No wait, fuck the world…I can’t suffer your presence. I haven’t been able to ride my bike in weeks. *pulls down pants and grabs a match* I should have done this a long time ago.

AP: THINK IT THROUGHT MAN! YOU KNOW WHAT CHOCOCLATE CAKE DOES TO YOUR DIGESTIVE TRACT. DON’T LIGHT THAT MATCH SO NEAR THE……

End of Scene.

Scene V

Time: 15 minutes later.

Scene opens on Evoman sitting despondetly near the burning bar, as fire crews try to put it out. Three of his best friends approach him.

Gobbing-longer: Hey Evo, how are you holding up.

Evoman: Terrible. As soon as I’m done here, I’m going to the dermotologist. What are you guys doing here?

Gobbing-longer: We saw the burning building from blocks away. Somehow, we suspected it had to do with the….problem…your having. Apparently that was a wise decision.

Comic Steambreeze: @$%$#ing Gobbing-longer made us come.

Blotsky: *burp*

AP: YES, YOUR SAVIOUR HAS BEEN BORN. I AM TOO MIGHTY, AND TO PERFECT, TO FORGIVE YOU FOR YOUR HEATHEN SINS.

Gobbing-longer: Wow, it actually talks. They told me about it, but I never saw it for myself. Does it have a mouth?

AP: SILENCE, I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU BEING HERE. YOU WILL ALL MEET MY SON, Ass Pimple Junior.

APJ: Hi guys, great to meet you.

Gobbing-longer: JESUS CHRIST!

APJ: No, Ass pimple junior.

Comic Steambreeze: Your all #$%ing idiots. I’m going home…I have a nice comfy porch and a shotgun calling my name.

Gobbing-longer: Wait a sec….we brought him presents, remember. We should give them to him.

Comic Steambreeze: Aw, #$%…fine.

Blotsky: *urp*……*BURRRRRP*

Gobbing-longer: Here Evoman, I brought you some GOLD-Bond medicated powder. I thought it might help with the itching.

Blotsky: *burp* *throws Evoman a piece of tree resin*.

Evoman: Huh? Wow….uh….tree resin. Um…great. Thanks I could..uh…always use more tree resin…..

Comic Steambreeze: Here is my gift *punches Evoman in the head*. Yeah…it’s a fist-full of freakin sense. Which is what your really missing…how many times have I told you to keep the matches away from your rear end?

Evoman: Ow..dammit.

AP: I AM PLEASED. YOU THREE MUST KEEP MY SON SAFE UNTIL HE GROWS INTO HIS POWER. THEN WE WILL SHARE THE MESSAGE.

Gobbing-longer: I don’t think that’s much of a problem…I can’t remember the last time somebody tried to get into Evoman’s pants….

Evoman: That’s enough. We need to get out of here.

Gobbling-longer: Good idea. I’ve seen some representatives from Herod Pharmaceuticals with a promotion to get rid of all new pimples.

*a homeless man comes drunkingly from around the corner*

Mr.Hat.WaR: RUN? RUN FROM THE PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY? FOOLS! THEIR ASS PIMPLE CREAM WAS SHOWN TO BE ONLY 99 % EFFECTIVE FROM THEIR CLINICAL TRIALS IN ELIMINATING ASS PIMPLES. YOU CALL THAT EFFECTIVE? YOUR SCARED OF THAT?

*Gobbing-longer, Evoman, Comic Steambreeze, and Blotsky stare at the man*

Evoman: Uh..okay…lets go.

END OF SCENE

END OF ACT I