My household was non-religious. My dad is a hardcore atheist, while my mom was/is a catholic who never went to church. When we came to Canada, my mother was more less isolated by the language so we never attended church. My dad, who I knew was an atheist, NEVER talked to us about god or religion, except to tell us, when we asked, that he didn't believe. He is pretty hardcore, but I never found out until I was older, because he didn't want to influence us one way or the other. He did, however, encourage (and sometimes forced us) to be critical of everything: newspapers, tv shows, EVERYTHING. As a result, I even became critical of him, of everything I learned..and of myself and my own emotions(I'll talk more about that later).
I came into contact, however, with a lot of religious people and as such, had a concept of god early on. I didn't really believe in it, though I always described myself as agnostic. I belonged to a youth group as a teenager, since one of my friends (who I still hang around with today)was fundie christian and he invited me. However, I never fit in with them...it was one of the first times I realized that not everyone was automatically critical of everything they read. I found it extremely difficult to take anything on authority, and was confronted by a system where many of their own fundamentals were self-contradictory. They could look at other religions, call them false, and then keep believing in their own. As friendly as I was, they never accepted me, because I could not accept their theology.
The fact that those kids (and adults) could hold contradicting ideas, and they didn't seem aware of their many circular arguments, made me question my own ideas. What if, like them, I had a lack of self awareness? What if also hid myself from truths I did not want to confront? How could I realize my own biases? After that, I went through about 5 solid years of researching cognition and any books I could about self awareness. That exposed me to books about cognitive behaviour therapy (and is why I'm the resident Cognitive Therapy whore here). Everytime I had a major thought or emotion, I would question it. Where did it come from? Why am I feeling that way?
Sufficed to say, in the end, I realized that I couldn't be anything BUT atheist. Unlike some, I simply don't attach any significance to my own emotions, beyond their being a reaction to my thought processes. I never saw god, I never heard god, and I touched god. And the feeling of god, that feeling that seems to drives people on their search...well, I don't know if I am capable of feeling it like the faithful do. Faith, for me, has always been a weakness...a capitulation to what we want, not what is.
And that is my religious story.
