Candidate X is running for president and stands a good chance of winning. With this in mind, there is something everyone should know about candidate X. Journalists have uncovered shocking footage of candidate X’s pet twinkie, Pickletoots, making incendiary remarks about ceramic (and sometimes marble) tiles. Furthermore, Pickletoots denounced his home country, Plupiter, for its apparent disregard for the rights of all things that contain high-fructose corn syrup. (Source: Voices in my head.)

In November, please do not base your vote on trivial and insignificant issues, such as war, debt, economic stagflation, the health care crisis, the energy crisis, the financial crisis, the fiscal crisis, insolvency of entitlements, the trade deficit, the plunging dollar, the middle-class squeeze, wage stagnation, climate change, ecological problems, energy dependence, the raping of constitutional rights or America’s support of dictators. Just think of Pickletoots’s diatribe, which is, according to Historians and Cosmologists, beyond any remote shadow of a doubt, the single most important issue in the 15-billion year history of the universe.

Remember, we don’t need peace, freedom, prosperity and sustainability; what we need is a candidate whose pet twinkie didn’t make inflammatory remarks. Please vote accordingly.

Thank you, and God Bless America.