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Ghost in the Machine's Journal
Welcome to the 2010 version of the DUzy Awards. Thanks to JeffR for allowing me to revive these. I hope everyone enjoys reading them as much as I enjoy posting them for you.
Thanks to scarletwoman, The Velveteen Ocelot and NYC_SKP for their assistance in bringing you these DUzy Awards **I am posting these early today because I will be busy later tonight and don't want to wait until tomorrow** On a thread by babylonsister: Ugh. Senator Playmate Warpy: 2. I wonder if anybody bothered to tell him that most of the people salivating over his picture will not be female. He looks like the typical young Repug to me: square of jaw, keen of eye, and full of shit. And himself. leftstreet: 6. If he can obscure his wedding tackle with his wrist...... heavens
On a thread by HipChick: Palin: Didn't know what Federal Reserve did,or why North and South Korea were separate nations.. JVS: 3. I so would have told her that it was because South Korea has slaves and seceded. JVS: 14. "President Palin shocked the world today by joining an alliance with Kim Jong Il and issuing a... fierce denunciation of the Republic of Korea concerning slavery. She underscored her commitment to human rights by sending 90,000 troops to bolster Pyongyang's forces on the Pyongyang's side of the 38th parallel. This deployment should make easy work of the 30,000 US troops already deployed to defend the southern side of the line in the case of a military confrontation. Kim Jong Il is reportedly elated at this reversal of longstanding US policy, and has indicated that Palin's actions "will help bring a rapid close to this sad and divisive chapter in the history of the Choson people by the beginning of Juche 99 (the year starting 4/15/2010)"" Ahh, what could have been! On a thread by Ghost in the Machine: Blagojevich: 'I'm blacker than Barack Obama' LeftishBrit : 2. Replace the word 'blacker' with 'nuttier' and the words 'Barack Obama' with 'a fruitcake' and he might have a point!
OP by FourScore: breakingest: Palin resigns as FOX contributor breakingest: Palin resigns as FOX contributor by clammyc Mon Jan 11, 2010 at 11:25:13 AM PST In what can only be labeled as a stunning yet entirely predictable turn of events, former Vice Presidential candidate and "chief common sense haver" Sarah Palin has stepped down from her new role as Fox News contributor - only minutes after inking the deal. Not wanting to be labeled as a quitter, Palin was adamant that this was because she was duped by the "elitist liberal Ivy-league educated freedom haters" who didn't tell her that there wouldn't be phonetics on her teleprompter and that she was "being lured into doing fascist work behind a desk that freedom-loving Americans can understand why she wouldn't want to do". Palin's deal, the details of which are still undisclosed, was rumored to include responsibilities such as "reading all of the newspapers that are put in front of her" and one segment was rumored to be shot on location at the MSNBC studios to capture Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow in the break rooms "palling around with terrorists and others who hate our freedoms and who don't see the value in freedom loving common sensors who just want to make sure that our way of life isn't threatened by those who want to do harm to it". Word is that a disagreement over shortening the title of the above noted segment to something coherent left Palin storming out of the Fox offices yelling about the "biased high 'flutin' big words of over educated people who don't have real world free market experience and values that are similar to those that real America has". Palin did want to stress that, just like her quitting the Governorship a few months ago, this does not make her a quitter. Because quitting is "for those who don't ascribe to a higher calling of making sure that the next step in adopting principles that are free market and such thereto for furthering freedom and policies that Americans can truly believe in if we are to move forward". Update: big hat tip to mayan for the word "breakingest"  responses: pscot : 2. I knew this was a send-up as soon as I got to the part about her having to read newspapers. FSogol: 3. It isn't a send up, it is just 5-6 months early.   OP by NNadir: Father wants his normal gay son back. Faber's parents, although concerned, said they're convinced their otherwise typical gay son is merely going through a conservative Christian phase. "I caught him watching The 700 Club once when he thought he was alone in the house, and last week, I found some paperbacks from the Left Behind series hidden in his sock drawer," his mother, Eileen Faber, said. "I'm sure he'll grow out of it, but even if he doesn't, I will love and accept my son no matter what." Faber's father was far less tolerant in his comments. "No son of mine is going to try to get intelligent design into school textbooks," Geoffrey Faber said. "And I absolutely refuse to pay his tuition if he decides to go to one of those colleges like Oral Roberts University where they're just going to fill his head with a lot of crazy conservative ideas." He added, "I just want my normal gay son back." MiddleFingerMom: 1. THAT'S funny!!! . ... "in his sock drawer."!!!!! .  . That's where I hid all MY Jack Chick tracts... along with my Praygirl magazines. OP by LeftyFingerPop: I just fell backwards, naked, onto a potato. What I mean is...I hope it's a potato. The Velveteen Ocelot : 1. You'll know for sure if it sprouts. JohnnyLib2: 9. Yeah,yeah, that one is heard in the ER all the time.  mochajava666: 12. Hope you fall on some sour cream and bacon bits or maybe some butter might be the best option. Hope everything comes out OK. rcrush: 20. Its called a Love Spud. Treat it with care. old mark: 22. I'm sorry I missed seeing that. nt
OP by Orrex: in a bold move Obama drafts anonymous discussion board loudmouths into the Haiti relief effort (United WorldNews Daily) In a surprise move early Saturday morning, President Obama signed an emergency executive order intended to bolster the Haitian relief effort by drafting hundreds of commentators from around the internet and blogosphere. "The situation demands expertise and decisiveness," said the President, "and it's clear that these unaccountable private citizens know how to distribute food, water, and medicine better than than the thousands of aid professionals already at work in Haiti." Obama further noted that the internet is awash in recommendations about how to get resources where they're needed most. "Just dump it out the back of a fucking C130," opined Dem27, a frequent poster on the Subterranean Progressive discussion forum. "For fuck's sake!" added Dem27. "They should pull the Carl Vinson into port and get to work already," suggested FedUpForever, an independent blogger. When asked how he expected the USS Carl Vinson to dock in a port effectively destroyed by the earthquake, FedUpForever declined to comment. "For too long we've relied on qualified experts experienced in the field," President Obama said in closing remarks Saturday morning. "It's long past time that we turned to the unimpeachable wisdom of anonymous bloggers and discussion board gadflies. With their guidance and leadership, I'm sure that Haiti will come through this crisis more or less unscathed. Let's give the nameless, faceless second-guessers the chance to succeed where we have failed." responses: datasuspect: 6. you can't see it but right now i am in the middle of a aid relief stocking preparation sequence montage. this will result in me pushing a 28 foot wellcraft with twin chevy 305s at full throttle to the land of haiti. i just cannot decide whether to wear safety gear or commando gear. KittyWampus: 10. wait, doesn't going commando mean going without underpants? Can you clarify? datasuspect: i have not, nor have i ever worn underpants Donnachaidh: 19. pottie training must have been fun for your Mom. Enthusiast: 198. How do you carry explosives? nt CreekDog: 209. i thought that's because you didn't know how to take them off while wearing pants  scarletwoman: 48. Oh shit. All I did was one little post asking "Where's the heavy equipment?" and a pair of big burly guys in sunglasses and suits showed up at my door and hustled me into a cargo plane full of bulldozers and I'm due to land Port Au Prince in half an hour. NOW wtf am I supposed to do?? 
On a thread by Kurt_and_Hunter: Josh Marshall: Health Care Reform is both dead and not dead The Velveteen Ocelot: 1. Schroedinger's Health Care Reform? scarletwoman: 2. So, it's ZOMBIE Health Care Reform. Maybe it will help zombies. And vampires. hughee99 : 5. You can't deny coverage to vampires and zombies... though there doesn't seem to be much that hurts them anyway. Zombie 1: Hey Frank, wanna go out for brains and beer? Zombie 2: Nah, I think I have the H1N1, I'm just going to lay low tonight.
OP by blogslut: Accusatory post alluding to an unnamed gang on DU Condemnation of said mysterious gang and their thuggish tactics. responses: myrna minx: 1. First to note thread is unrecced already. Angrily question reason!? Richardo: 2. Refutation of that assertion by a known contrarian blondeatlast: 3. Anonymously rec'd or unrecced just to piss SOMEONE off . nt DanTex: 4. Strongly worded rebuttal by DUer with suspiciously low post count ** There's just too much funny in this post! If you posted in this thread.. hell, if you READ this thread... you won a DUzy!
OP by HamdenRice: I was born in a Philippine brothel. I'm told my father was black. I was sent to a Catholic nunnery.. in Cebu City, even though I was a boy. After 10 years, they tired of me and sold me to a passing Burmese pirate ship with an all female crew, where I was forced to learn how to roll cigarettes with my feet. They wanted me to keep my hands free at all times, "for other services." Eventually I saw my chance to escape, jumping overboard in 1975 when I saw a passing ship full of Vietnamese boat people, to which I swam, and ended up in a Cambodian refugee camp. Eventually, I was paroled into the United States as a refugee, where I attended an exclusive prep school for future DLC operatives. I was trained in the arts of disinformation for the next 25 years by people who had inside knowledge that some day there would be a thing called "the internet." For a short while I was Al and Tipper Gore's gardener -- at the time that he was a DLC founder. I grew tomatoes for Tipper and the girls, while proof reading all of Hillary's secret health care reform "sell out" agreements with big pharma. I was sent to Chicago to better perfect my craft, where my job was to procure crack cocaine, strippers and prostitutes for an up and coming Illinois state senator with a funny African sounding name. In 2004, they signed me up to a thing called the Democratic Underground. There, I would constitute the core of a sleeper cell. I was paid to post innocuous musings about the 9/11 attacks, until the signal was given. At that point, my Manchurian candidate responsibilities were revealed to me. I was given a list of 13 1/2 members and the name, "Dennis Kucinich," and my assignment was to repeat "DLC talking points" that were faxed to me each morning (email not being secure enough). Now our evil plans are reaching fruition. So, Charles, since you asked, it has all been revealed to us. As I write this email to you -- you, who are in a similar situation -- I also have a web browser window open to "The Democratic Underground." Wouldn't it be funny if I got mixed up and put the email text in my evil DU DLC stooge posting, and put the evil DU stooge DLC talking points in the email to you? DCKit: 18. Compelling. I can't wait to read the book - "Going Aaaargggh" n/t
On a thread by david13: Death to All Smokers. comrade snarky: 38. Do you mind? Your second hand stupid is bothering me. Please take the dumb to a designated dumbing area. Thanks
On a thread by kpete: "Holy Shit"- Markos says BIG news coming!! "Good News For A Change" Speck Tater: 4. The Mayan calendar for 2013 and beyond has been found. End of the world called off. nt dysfunctional press: 15. i hope it has kitten pictures... i LOVE kitten calendars.
On a thread by Winterblues: watched a Nature show the other night about dogs Robb: 1. I fail to see how this post blames Democrats ... 
On a thread by Mari333: thats nice. walking my dog here in town and seeing 3 dead deer hanging from a tree NYC_SKP: 3. Such ridiculous and inconsistent laws. This Could have been Suicide. In protest thereof.
On a thread by freddie mertz: Damning Video compiles Obama's broken promises on Cadillac, Mandates. Tierra_y_Libertad: 49. Obama is obviously an "Obama Hater" for attacking Obama's policies.
On a thread by cali: Aaargh. This drives me fucking nuts. someone here writes something and when others disagree they say: ooh, judging from the reactions, I struck a nerve. the truth hurts, doesn't it? Well, fuck that. It's dishonest. it's cheap. it's impossible to respond to (you're in denial, don't you know) it's rhetoric at it's sleaziest. Ghost in the Machine: 1. Someone must have struck a nerve, huh?  ** I had to give myself this one, since someone nominated me How many of you have seen these "wind up" flashlights and radios lately? You know, they have a little handle on them and when they get low on power you just wind them up some and recharge them.
We need to design one of these systems that is big enough to power a home, yet affordable enough for the average homeowner to buy. They can be incorporated into construction of new homes (and businesses, for that matter! Employee fitness plan!) The idea is to hook up a couple of exercise bikes to the power generator, which will require family members to exercise to recharge their homes. This would cut out the need for energy companies like ENRON, FP&L, TVA, etc.. basically shutting down these big corporations. YAY for us! Plus, you get exercise and keep in shape... This plan could also incorporate solar panels in it for heating and lighting purposes. Ok.. so maybe it's a whacky idea.. maybe it's not. If any of you act on this and get rich from it, you OWE ME BIG TIME!!! Now I gotta holler at the kids to go charge my system... computer is fading fast!  |
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