This thread will be of little interest to most of you. I don't say that to guilt or shame people in to responding, I don't expect or want that. I just honestly know it won't be. Very few people here are close enough to me that this will have any meaning. And that's ok. I just felt compelled to write this out, and doing it publicly will allow those who do care to read it without my constant repetition.

I feel like a completely different person, which probably goes to show I'm very much the same. My leg/knee is still a constant source of agony to me, and I have no answers. For the last four months, I have been childish. I kept refusing to accept my physical limitations, and somehow I also excused my laziness and defeat because of those limitations. I've never felt so depressed or alone in my life. I lashed out at people. I didn't trust myself, my feelings, my reactions. I didn't believe I could do anything.

That is not to say I can heal myself. The constant pain won't go away because of any choice I make. But, my self pity and defeat can. I've spent a lot of time reading, and sleeping, and being alone. Something in me broke, finally. I've tried to step outside of myself, and go on with my life as the person I am now, and the things I can do now. It sounds really stupid when I read over it. But, I was destroying myself over something that wasn't worthy of it. Not through any intentional act or choice, but my lack of action. My lack of choices.

So, I'm trying to move on. And I needed to be very much alone. I've missed my friends, but if they had been in contact with me at certain times, they wouldn't have missed me. I regret my selfishness and my lost time. But, better regret than continuing blindly.

I still hope to figure out what is wrong with me. To go back to my life without cane or crutches, without being heavily medicated. But I don't want pity, I'm tired of talking about how I am doing, as if all that affects my life is this part of my health. I'm tired of being asked, and constantly explaining. So I wont. I'll go on with life as I am able. I'll stop making myself miserable by comparisons to those who're better off, and stop making myself ashamed by comparisons to those with worse troubles.

It feels good to return to the land of the living.