Blaine must save the president's daughter- but will he escape the jungle with his life?


Blaine is summoned to the bedside of the president's daughter. She is stricken with a devastating STD, Teletinitis. Even through her yellow quarantine suit, Blaine notes her bloated visage. The only cure lies in the exceedingly rare yellow "Majoris Lawnpestis" flower, and Blaine is the only one who can retrieve a specimen from the unwieldy BaqueYarde Jungle.




Blaine expertly navigates the valley of boulders unscathed, but ahead, danger waits...




Eleven sweat-soaked miles through the wild terrain, he encounters a giant green jungle eel!




It springs forth, intent to ravage Blaine's expensive cosmetic surgery work...




He escapes suddenly and camouflages himself as an oppossum in a nearby tree, knowing the eel will be unable to discern him.




The eel confused, Blaine pulls his Magnum-3800 from his back pocket, aims, and fells the beast.




Hours later, he finds it: the Majoris Lawnpestis! The president's daughter is safe, as is Blaine.




But somewhere in a basement laboratory, a mutated foe lies in wait for Blaine's return. Will Blaine be a match for "the Decider"?




Tune in next week for episode four of "Blaine's Destiny."

The adventure continues....


Blaine has been sent into the deepest reaches of an uncharted jungle, in search of the "weeping orb." His mission is to acquire the orb through whatever means necessary, and return it safely to the Government, before it falls into the wrong hands.


Blaine trudges through the tropical heat weary but determined, when suddenly, the exotic sounds of the jungle ominously cease...





It's T'aum Dilae! Blaine's arch-nemesis! But...he's supposed to be dead! His arms whip madly, like exotic fleshy machetes, poised to strike at Blaine's throbbing jugular.





A battle ensues, and Blaine, his strength waning, is in deep trouble...





Suddenly, a shot rings out. Dilae rolls to the ground, mortally wounded.





Blaine rises to face the man who has snuffed out his foe. The man lowers his weapon...
"My name is Mick Shaney. I'm straight. I'm a man. A very straight man. A big exotic man. With a gun. I'm a Republican. and I'm straight."





"Quick. Get on the Jungle Juggarnaut- we haven't got much time, I'm taking you to my headquarters."




At headquarters, Shaney discloses his top secret information to Blaine,
"In fact, Blaine, I have the orb, and I'm willing to give it to you,"






But you're going to have to do something for me, first.





Blaine has the orb. But when returns home... will he still have Jessica?





Tune in next week, for episode three of "Blaine's Destiny"!

And now begins the saga of a man: a lone beacon of virtue in a world of scorn and deceit, a man for whom the word "impossible" holds no meaning...unless of course you're talking about being able to bend your appendages....here is episode one of.....


"Blaine's Destiny."


Blaine has been sent in search of Jessica Plastiboube- covert ops agent dispatched to locate a yellowcake uranium mine in the mountains of Wisconsin.



"Valiant, my trusty steed, we've nearly reached the summit of this harsh and deceitful mountain, with no sign of Jessica...I just can't figure it out..."



"Oh my heavens! It's Jessica! Naked and leaking body fluids...she must be dead! WHy?! Who would do this? Who could be so deceitful and unamerican?"


"I could! Yes, that's right....it's me.... Monica Missingcrautch, appendage of the rightwing "values task force," and your FORMER LOVER! Your lover, that is, until that fucking deceitful Jessica got in the way!"


"You see, Blaine- you can't be with Jessica. Because I need you. Blaine, I am pregnant with your child!"


"But Monica- that's impossible- I'm not attracted to... besides, I can tell you just have a giant snowball up your dress....see- it's melting out the bottom."


"I....I....Blaine!"



"You deceitful bitch! Nobody strips Jessica Plastiboube and leaves her for dead! Missincrautch, meet the back of my fist....er...angry palm!"


As Jessica and Blaine descend the cold, deceitful mountain, vicious native creatures consume the lifeless flesh of the evil Monica Missincratuch and the balance of good and evil is restored....for now.....



or is it?


Tune in next week for the thrilling second episode of...
"Blaine's Destiny".

"The poem to make you all feel better":

My name is Mr. President,
Iraq is on the mend.
I'm the king of the world,
and the Earth's best friend.

Now for all you doubters,
Those who hem and haw,
you can step right up,
cause I'm above the law.

I eat little babies
and I poop the flag.
I got real nice values,
Know what? Pretzels make me gag!

We been three years in the war,
I spent two of 'em on vacations.
It's hard work presidentin'
and attacking oily nations.

I just want to share the low-down,
Everything is hunky-dory,
If anything real bad happens,
I'll read you all the pet goat story.

Yesterday, at half past ten,
Ol' Rumsfeld prompted Bush again.

He told him all was less-than-zen;
they'd lost some three Brazillian men.

Now George turned 'round with sullen face
and addressed his staff with poise and grace,

He said; "That's terrible! I hate all this killin',
and by the way, How many IS a brazillion?"



MWA HAAA HAAAAAA!!!!