I am reconstructing my story from a post I made on the old DU in August 2002:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/cgi-b...

I was teased and tormented a lot throughout grade school, junior high, and high school in Illinois. And in addition I had a very difficult and judgmental father, who sometimes did some very good things, but who often times was very insensitive to things I was struggling with, and sometimes bordered on being abusive, especially emotionally and psychologically. Actually my father seemed to regard me and his other children as being like possessions, and was upset about my being tormented by the mean kids at school, but he did not ever want to admit that anything he said or did might be causing me problems.

There were three major factors which led me to be tormented by my peers at school:

1. As a kid I was always socially immature, slow to learn about dealing with people. I said and did some things which brought it on, and I had a very thin skin. I did not ignore simple teasing until late junior high or early high school, and by then it was too late. Some people were very cruel, but I also feel a little ashamed thinking about how little it took to get me mad or upset, and some of the dumb things I got upset about.

One of my biggest mistakes was in 6th grade, when I told the teacher on a bunch of boys who were not really so much tormenting me personally (at the time) as doing normal kidding (which I took seriously).

2. I was a math brain; I was especially good at arithmetic (in grade school) and later in math and physical sciences. (Though not good, in early grades, in classes like social studies or literature; however I did better at these in high school.)

And I have to admit that I was sometimes a little conceited.

3. I was not at all athletic, good at sports, or strong. And I was not at all interested in sports. I couldn't run fast. I felt very frustrated at not being able to get back at some of the guys.

And it was humiliating when I became tall, and was still not good at athletics or strong. Naturally, some smaller guys had fun picking on me, a tall guy.

Gym class was hell for me. I particularly hated team sports. (Incidentally, I really HATED it when people would ask me if I played basketball.)

One thing I noticed was that as I and my school mates went through the grades, most of them matured, but there was a hard core of those who would still give me a hard time.

One of the major consequences was that in high school I was not able to enjoy normal social contact with people my age, even with those who did not tease me.

I would say that by far the most significant long term effect with having been harassed in school was that I completely missed out on having any serious relationship with a girl or woman when I was young, and still at age 57 have not had any serious relationship (for various other reasons, including some of my own choices; even though I am disappointed that it has not happened yet for me). (I am a heterosexual male.)

There was a girl in the class year ahead of me who seemed to have a definite crush on me. She was in one of my math classes. However because of my lack of self-esteem I did not ever approach this girl or make any advances to her. When she graduated from high school that was the last I would see of her as a young man.

I was haunted by the memory of this girl throughout the rest of my youth and young adulthood.

College was much better for me, but I still had some emotional scars. I started running when I was in college, and participated some on the track and cross country teams. I was never good enough to compete, but I have been keeping in shape by running ever since college.

After two years in college in Illinois I moved with my parents to San Diego, California, and transferred to San Diego State University. This was a mixed blessing for me. I was able to become friends with some new people in a new place. However I had much unfinished business from high school and college which I would now not be able to finish for a while. In particular I would be haunted by the memory of the girl who liked me in high school.

I would say that by far the biggest thing that helped me to heal the old hurts was to go back to my high school reunions in Illinois, starting with my 20 year reunion, and then my 25 and 30 year reunions. I was able to enjoy the company of my classmates in a way I was not able to when I was in school. I did not have any problems with my former tormentors; some of them were quite friendly, and had obviously matured, and I was able to be friendly with them. I did not feel a need to confront any of them. I imagine they felt ashamed of what they did, and I can think of some things that I myself am ashamed of.

The most important thing I did was when I went back to my 20 year reunion, I visited the girl in the class year ahead of me who had the crush on me. I was able to have some of my classmates track her down, and she lived close to the town where we went to high school. It did turn out the girl was married. I got in touch with her shortly before my 20 year reunion, and she was agreeable to my coming to visit her. I had a very pleasant evening with the woman and her husband; her husband was very friendly. No sparks flew between me and the woman; she obviously loved her husband. The important thing was that I was able to achieve closure.

I have also been in therapy over the years to deal with my issues, including both individual and group therapy. I especially needed to deal with my issues with my father. He died shortly before my 35th birthday, and I came to realize how angry I still was at him about a year after he died. It has been a slow process dealing with my issues with my father. In fact part of the process of dealing with my issues with him has been to post here on DU and elsewhere about some things I have come to feel strongly about in large part because of having had my issues with my father.