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NanceGreggs's Journal: Nance Rants
Posted by NanceGreggs in General Discussion: Presidential (Through Nov 2009)
Wed Oct 10th 2007, 03:44 AM
Within days of his Second Coming, Jesus Christ (aka Prince of Peace, Savior, The Lord) is facing charges in a number of jurisdictions across the country.

After addressing a crowd in Washington D.C. with what is quickly becoming known as His now-infamous “Blessed are the Peacemakers” speech, Jesus was arrested for holding a political rally without a permit. A possible charge of treason is also pending, given that The Lord’s blatant anti-war statements may constitute a direct threat against the born-again president and his conduct of the war in Iraq.

Later that same day in Orlando, Florida, Jesus was handcuffed by local authorities after feeding a multitude of homeless people who had gathered to hear him speak about being Thy Brother’s Keeper. “We still don’t know how he pulled off the seven loaves and seven fishes thing, but the law is the law,” said the arresting officer, who refused to disclose his identity for fear of losing his immortal soul.

In a related incident, Jesus was again at odds with local authorities in Fresno, California, after attempting to prevent police from destroying makeshift shelters constructed by the homeless. After being read his Miranda rights, the Lord’s only comment was, “As you do to the least among you, so you do unto me.”

Within minutes of posting bail, Jesus reappeared at an Alabama state judicial building where he was promptly arrested for inciting to riot after making a statement about ‘rendering things unto Caesar, and things unto God’. “I knew the kid was a troublemaker the minute he started shooting his mouth off about the separation of church and state,” said a man later identified as one Roy Moore, who was outside the building protesting the removal of a granite monument displaying the Ten Commandments from the premises several years ago.

Jesus wound up his cross-country crime spree with an arrest at a mid-western mega-church, when he was unceremoniously ousted after disrupting a Sunday service by suggesting to the congregation that they do unto others as they would have others do unto them. “I was willing to let the whole thing go,” said the irate pastor, “but then he started emptying the poor box at the back of the church and handing the money out to the poor. When he started talking about he who is without sin casting the first stone, I had no choice but to call the police.” (The name of the pastor is being withheld due to pending litigation involving tax evasion, fraud, and an incident involving a male prostitute.)

While local jurisdictions in various states deal with the pending charges against Christ, Federal authorities are looking into possible ties to terrorist activity. Apparently several phone calls between Jesus and alleged distant relatives in the Middle East have been closely monitored, and further charges may be laid in connection with suspected links to terrorist organizations. “We’re pretty sure that His use of phrases like peace be with you, goodwill to all men is some kind of code," said one source, speaking on the condition of anonymity due to the sensitive nature of the subject matter.

In addition, the Department of Homeland Security is looking into the fact that Jesus was able to transport himself from one place to another without setting off red flags at any airports, despite having been placed on the no-fly list. DHS Chief Michael Chertoff has vowed to investigate the matter fully.

Given the MSM coverage of the now ill-fated Second Coming, Christ’s lawyers are already concerned about His ability to get a fair trial.

“Rush Limbaugh called him a ‘phony Savior’ on his radio show last week,” said a public defender assigned to one of the Christ cases, “and Catholic League president Bill Donahue has already publicly denied him three times. How is the Son of God supposed to get a fair shake?”

In the midst of the controversy, White House spokesperson Dana Perrino fielded a barrage of questions on the topic during a recent press conference. She firmly stated that the president, in keeping with his long-held policy in such matters, refuses to comment on an ongoing investigation.

Although unconfirmed, several reliable sources have indicated that Jesus wept.
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