To: Hillary Clinton Campaign Headquarters
From: Acme Goalpost Movers Inc.
Attn: Accounts Payable Department

Dear Sir/Madam:

As you undoubtedly are aware, we are still awaiting payment in full on the last nine invoices we have submitted:

(1) Moving of goalposts from Super Tuesday Blowout to Brokered Convention resolution

(2) Moving of goalposts in Michigan and Florida. (Contract add-on – not part of original contract; work done on expedited basis)

(3) Moving of goalposts from delegate votes to popular votes

(4) Moving of goalposts from popular votes to electoral college votes (Contract add-on: includes costs incurred in supplying virtual goalposts in order to capture votes not actually in play)

(5) Moving of goalposts from pledged delegates voting as-per-constituents to voting as-per-desire-of-losing-candidate

(6) Moving of (hypothetical) goalposts to reflect (hypothetical) GOP-style winner-take-all primary scenario

(7) Moving of goalposts from truthful-statements-paramount-in-campaign-speeches strategy to mis-speaking about Bosnia sniper-fire due-to-lack-of-sleep excuse-making strategy (Contract add-on: Necessity to move goalposts ahead of publicity shit-storm)

(8) Moving of goalposts from clean, civil, high-road campaign to kitchen-sink campaign (Contract add-on: cleaning up garbage after same)

(9) Moving of goalposts from super-delegates voting-their-conscience scenario to stab-me-in-the-back-Judas scenario

In view of the above work having already been carried out on behalf of your campaign, our company is now out-of-pocket and would appreciate being paid-in-full forthwith.

We are a small company, and do not have the financial wherewithal to continue our efforts at the present rate without payment. Your to-date history with our business indicates that more goalpost moving will be required in the immediate future. However, we will no longer be in a position to continue our efforts on your behalf without a prompt settlement of outstanding invoices.

Please be advised that we rely on long-term contracts such as yours to stay in business. Other than your campaign, our only other large contract has been with the present Administration, which has required the changing of goalposts (re: Victory in Iraq) on an almost daily basis - an arrangement which is now apparently coming to an end.

We have attempted to contact you on numerous occasions via email, registered mail, fax, and phone messages concerning your failure to compensate us for our services for several months.

As a final and truly desperate measure, our collections department will now be attempting to phone you at 3:00 a.m. We sincerely hope you will answer the phone.

Thank you for your anticipated cooperation in this regard,
Acme Goalpost Movers Inc.