As the Primary War rages on in the land of Democratica, the Republican nominee, John McCain, continues to speak his message into the wrong end of microphones across the nation, unabated and unchallenged.
This state of affairs does not bode well for our party’s chances to capture the White House, along with an increased majority in the House and the Senate. Let’s not forget that the odds of McCain becoming our next president cannot possibly be over-estimated, given the advantages he enjoyed entering into the general election cycle ahead of his Democratic opponent, Barack Obama whoever that may be.
From the word go, (or, more appropriately, the phrase ya’ll mosey along now), McCain came into the race having inherited the remainder of George W. Bush’s hardcore constituency, an estimated nineteen people who will spare no effort in ensuring that his chances of winning in November will consistently fluctuate between slim and none.
One need only look at Johnny-Come-Way-Too-Lately’s proud record to understand his underwhelming appeal among the masses.
Here’s a man who is ready from Day Three-Thousand Two-Hundred and Twenty-Six to assume the responsibilities of his former Commander-in-Chief, at-the-ready to unfurl the Mission REALLY Accomplished banner a hundred years after his own demise.
The fact that he’s not afraid to sacrifice our entire military and every last civilian in Iraq in order to achieve this goal is proof that he can easily surpass his predecessor not only in mindless rhetoric, but the stay-the-course logic that has made this war so popular among the thousands of Americans still supporting it.
Voters will no doubt be drawn to the family values of a man who unceremoniously dumped his first wife after she became disabled, in order to marry a much younger woman with a pile of dough ready smile, living proof that the American Dream is still attainable for those willing to work hard, overcome all obstacles, and marry an heiress.
No doubt McCain’s biggest asset is his don’t hold me back, let me at ‘em scrappiness, a man willing to fight for the American citizenry with the same the-gloves-are-off mentality that led him to embrace one G.W. Bush - after his operatives spread the rumor that McCain’s adopted daughter was a half-black love-child born of an illicit affair - a moment caught in a now-legendary photo-op known as The Hug Heard Around the World.
One would be foolish to discount, in the midst of presently-looming economic catastrophe, McCain’s candor and honesty in saying he “doesn’t know much about that stuff”, or to nay-say his ability to handle the aftermath of a natural disaster – because, let’s face it, what are the odds of another Katrina type disaster having to be shoved to one side because it interferes with his birthday celebrations?
McCain’s platform presents a particular challenge to those who would just as well not participate in the much-touted 21st Century. His recent speeches about Czechoslovakia are but a prelude to his can’t miss backward-looking agenda, which includes final approval of the Louisiana Purchase, statehood for the territories of Utah and Wyoming, and official recognition of the horseless carriage as the unlikely-but-possible mode of transportation of the future.
Make no mistake. While we Democrats are rendered helpless by infighting, the McCain campaign is firing-up the mimeograph machine, oiling and polishing their state-of-the-art telegraph apparatus, hiring additional staff to rotor-router the internetz tubes when they’re clogged, and will no doubt have the difference between Sunni and Shia down pat before Obama one of our own is declared the official nominee of our party.
Time’s a-wastin’, my fellow Democrats. This guy McCain is nipping at our heels – and if we drag out this primary process a minute longer, he could lose the presidency long before we even have a chance to enter the race.
