I was trolling the ”friends of my friends” on FaceBook and came across a name that instantly rang a bell – one Jesus Christ.

I just couldn’t quite place it. But there was something familiar there.

If you’re FB experienced, you know you don’t want to be sending out a “friend request” to just anybody, without knowing their details. You could wind up with some crackpot who writes crap like "Judge not lest ye be judged" on your Wall, or fills your Inbox with invitations to join those fringe FB groups like "Peace On Earth Now" – or worse, some radical political organization with an innocuous-sounding name like "Blessed Are The Peacemakers".

So I decided to do a little research before adding JC to my Friends list – because, for Christ’s sake, all of my other friends would see him there, and I wouldn’t want to get an FB rep of hanging, on a cross or otherwise, with the wrong crowd.

Well, as they say, Google is your friend. Turns out this Jesus guy is pretty famous! Yeah, who knew? Long-haired hippie-type, judging from the photos – but hey, people can change. Besides, looks like he was a part-tay guy back in the day – once threw a BYOW thing when he was in high school, and gave a festival-type concert on a mount somewhere that drew a substantial crowd. (Unfortunately, Wikipedia didn’t have any info on what instrument he played, or whether he was doing covers or original stuff – but apparently the audience loved him, despite the “fishes and loaves” catering. )

So I figured this guy was cool enough for me, and sent him a friend request – and I’ll be damned if he didn’t accept it before I actually sent it – like he knew it was comin’ or something.

Anyway, once we were “friends” and I had access to his FB Info, I must say I was pretty unimpressed: Single (okay). Capricorn (I can make allowances). Trained as a carpenter, but unwilling to work in the biz (no sense of $$$ success). Run-ins with the law (anti-social psycho). Lived with mom-and-dad into his thirties (probably gay). Best buds: Matthew, John, Paul, Luke, etc. (definitely gay). Favorite quotes: “Sell everything you possess and give the money to the poor, and you shall have wealth in Heaven; and then come, follow me." (Communist) and “Greater love than this hath no man, that he lay down his life for his brother.” (terrorist – no, gay terrorist).

Despite the fact that His “We’re Related” list included God, I couldn’t help but notice the following: Favorite movies? None listed. Favorite TV shows? None listed. Favorite music? None listed. Need. I. Go. On?

It became apparent that Jesus Christ was a loser of the first order – which kind of explains why I never found his listing on ClassMates. (He probably sat at the nerd table in the cafeteria – a distinction which, as we all know, will haunt you for the rest of your miserable life.)

But I (and I say this with all humility) didn’t want to embarrass the jerk – so I left him on my Friends list, hoping no one would notice – or, if they did, would put it down to my charitable nature, my propensity for friending the friendless in an effort to elevate their FB popularity via an association with moi.

So far, so good. But He just couldn’t give it a rest.

I’m on FB taking the "Why We HAVE to Torture to be Safe" survey when the chat window opens – and who is it but the self-proclaimed “Prince of Peace” himself. (He was shown as being off-line at the time – but computerdom has its glitches).

And then it begins:

Jesus Christ: “Hi, Nance – how r u?”

Nance: “Kinda busy – ttyl?”

Jesus Christ: “That’s what everyone says when I show up – LOL!”

Nance: “No, like really – gotta go, REALLY busy. There’s a bunch of loonies in my country who want the poor to have access to healthcare, want the middle-class to share in profits their labor generates instead of it going to corporate execs and already-wealthy company shareholders, want torturers to be held accountable for their actions, want peace, justice, freedom, equality – dammit, Jesus, can’t your crap wait until I finish playing ”Death Panels R Real?” I’m less than three thousand points away from kickin’ the shit outta Sarah Palin’s record!

Jesus Christ: “But that’s exactly what I want to talk to you about. If you’re familiar with my words and my teachings, you know that …”

Yadda, yadda, yadda. This guy was on my last nerve now.

So I did it. I “unfriended” Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ, did I have a fuckin’ choice here?

Turns out He’s still there – unfriended status notwithstanding. Still showing up on Chat when He’s the last person on earth I want to hear from. Still filling my Inbox with links to shit like "Throw the Money-Changers Out of the Temple" group invites. Still posting His “As You Do To the Least Among You, So You Do Unto ME” crapola on my Wall – and, for some inexplicable reason, the “remove” option doesn’t seem to work.

So be forewarned, FBers – don’t GO there. This Jesus character is a manipulative SOB. It doesn’t matter if you believe He’s a Saviour or not – he’ll start teachin’ and preachin’ until you get to thinking He just might be on to something. And then, next thing you know, you’re lovin’ your neighbor as yourself, thinking about how you can help the down-and-out, and caring about people who never made your Friends list in the first place.

It could happen.

Really.

It could.