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Posted by Plaid Adder in General Discussion (1/22-2007 thru 12/14/2010)
Tue Apr 03rd 2007, 03:34 PM
You may have noticed, through The Daily Show and other channels, that Karl Rove was feted at the Radio and Television Correspondents' Dinner by being asked to participate in a rap composed in his honor.

This travesty is available for viewing at this thread. Be warned, if you view it, there is a significant risk that you will go blind or mad.

There has been some talk amongst African-American pundits about whether this parodic 'rap' performed by four ungainly white guys and an equally ungainly African-American guy who was given no lines is offensive in a racist kind of way. My personal opinion is that, like most white parodies of rap, it is not so much about satirizing either whiteness or blackness as it is about reassuring white people that it is impossible for them to ever really become Black, no matter how much of American popular culture is now fueled by African-American culture. But that is not why that video offends me.

No, it offends me because what Karl Rove has done to this country is not funny. It would offend me if the Prince of Darkness came out and did stand-up about how much fun he had engineering the fall of man, and it offends me to see Karl Rove doing a comedy routine about his role as the puppeteer of the media minions who have sealed our doom.

So I wrote my own rap for Karl Rove. As a rap, it is in no way superior to either their effort or Stewart's response. But I think it captures his essence better. I warn our more delicate members that it contains much profanity. Read at your peril.

From the blogs to the YouTube to the CSPAN crawl,
Look at Rove rockin' out at the Bootlickers' Ball.
While his lumpen limbs are lurchin' to that slo-mo beat,
Listen while I read you his real rap sheet.
Karl, while you shake it on the ballroom floor,
Here's the only goddam thing I'll ever thank you for:
My rap may suck just like a media whore--
But the internets'll testify that yours sucked more!
I might misspeak or distort as I list your crimes,
But that's what you taught us, how to smear and slime,
So dance, you bastard, Satan's keeping time,
And fuck the truth--
As long as it rhymes!
I say, fuck the truth--
As long as it rhymes!

Like Roy Rogers, you're about the fixin's!
Your bag of dirty tricks, it could beat up Nixon's!
Fixin' Florida, the media, Ohio too,
Fixin' smears for all our vets cause it's just what you do,
Fixin' up your puppet in his fancy suits,
Fixin' plastic turkeys for the photo shoots,
Fixin' so your president won't need a brain,
Cause he won't really govern, no he'll just campaign!
You can fix it when your candidate is losing the race,
You can fix it when the Veep has shot up somebody's face,
You can fix that nasty pretzel so your boy won't choke--
Too bad you can't fix ANYTHING your idiot BROKE!
Whoops, I broke Iraq!
George, I can't fix that.
Whoops, I broke the bank!
George, I can't fix that.
Whoops, I broke New Orleans!
George, I can't fix that--
But call me when you wanna screw a Democrat!
Don't be reality-based
Cause perception's sublime--
So fuck the truth,
As long as it rhymes!
Yeah, fuck the truth,
As long as it rhymes!

No lie was so foul you couldn't find ways to spread it;
No truth so self-evident that you couldn't shred it;
For purple hearts or silver stars you had your chemistry kit--
No matter what kind of medal, you could turn it to shit!
Now your plottin' has begotten this swamp so fuckin' rotten--
I'm like Gonzales--you could fill a book with crimes I've forgotten!
Can you even remember all your lies and your shame?
Duke Cunningham, Mark Foley, outing Valerie Plame,
The rats at Walter Reed, that rat Jack Abramoff--
Didn't some shit go down about that guy Porter Goss?
Was it something with hookers? Am I thinking of Gannon?
This is why I can't rap, I'm just too regular scannin'.
Me oh my oh
It's Ohio
I won't ever forget
How you stalled it
Then you called it
Once your ouija board said,
You'd rigged enough machines to put your boy in the red!
Yeah, Rove, we'll never prove it,
But get with the times:
And fuck the proof,
As long as it rhymes!
I say, fuck the proof
As long as it rhymes!

Yeah, dance, you bastard,
Hip hop and gyrate,
Dance, you bastard,
You thief, you pirate,
You're the virus in our wires
You're the reason for the treason
You're the weasel does the evil
You're the liar set the fire
In his pants as he rants does his dance give war a chance
The urge to surge is sure
To win the war
Cause all we know to do
Is more
Of all the shit that got us in the door
All the dirt that worked before
The tricks that fix the politics
Since reality bit don't work for shit--
That bolt is shot
So what
Fire away
Cause it's all
We got!

So now you've fucked the vote,
Fucked the red white and blue,
Now we come to find out,
You're fuckin' justice too?
Well she can kick your ass right off the bench,
Cause she may be blind,
But she can smell your stench.
So dance, asshole, dance, move your cloven feet,
Dance while we drown, lay it down, the beat
They're still marchin' to it up and down K street,
Dance, you bastard,
While the people learn,
Dance, you bastard,
While your city burns,
Dance the death
Of all your schemes and your crimes,
Cause the truth'll fuck you
Now that it rhymes
I say the truth'll fuck you
Now that it rhymes.

On the Internet, nobody can hear you sing,

The Plaid Adder
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