The following transcript appears to be from a recent meeting involving Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) and Senator Russ Feingold (D-WI). It was found in a stinky trash heap in the bowels of the Hart Senate Office Building by a keen-eyed Democratic Underground reader. An unknown number of pages are missing from the beginning of the transcript, which is why the conversation seems to begin so abruptly.
and that's why I've got this extremely painful welt on my left ass-cheek. I told him, "This is our Senate, too, you know!" but for some reason he wouldn't listen. I just don't understand it. I was very polite.
(Silence)
SEN. FEINGOLD: (Clears throat.) So, um. I thought we were here to talk about the censure resolution.
SEN. REID: Ah, yes. The censure resolution. You have to pull it.
SEN. FEINGOLD: I'm not going to do that. The president broke the law. Everybody knows the president broke the law. You, of all people, know he broke the law. Hell, the Republicans all know he broke the law. The president practically admitted it.
SEN. REID: Don't waste my time with this "he broke the law" bullcrap. You and I both know he did.
SEN. FEINGOLD: So, what are we going to do about it?
SEN. REID: Just hold your horses. We'll do something about it, I promise. But we can't just go off half-cocked. We've got to think strategically.
SEN. FEINGOLD: Strategically. OK. So what do you suggest?
SEN. REID: I've got an idea, but I don't think you'll like it.
SEN. FEINGOLD: Really? Try me.
SEN. REID: We don't do anything.
SEN. FEINGOLD: Um.
SEN. REID: It's what they'll least expect. And that, my friend, is what makes it so brilliant. (Smiles, raises eyebrows, and taps index finger against side of forehead as if to say "I'm always thinkin'.")
SEN. FEINGOLD: With all due respect, I think they might actually expect that. Since that has been our strategy on almost every issue for the last year or so.
SEN. REID: And? (Reaches into inside jacket pocket. Pulls out a crumpled printout from the Internet with the headline, "Bush approval rating lowest ever," waves it over his head, and then slaps it onto the table.) Read it and weep, cheese boy! (Does little victory dance and pantomimes receiving high-fives from senators Lieberman, Clinton, others.)
SEN. FEINGOLD: Please don't call me that.
SEN. REID: Hold on a second, I'm getting high-fived.
SEN. FEINGOLD: Right.
SEN. REID: (Accepts imaginary behind-the-back high-five from Senator Nelson of Nebraska. Turns attention back to Sen. Feingold.) Have you ever read Sun Tzu?
SEN. FEINGOLD: As a matter of fact, I have.
SEN. REID: The Art of War. "It is said that you should never attack your opponent when he's caught breaking the law, because his own lawbreaking will be his undoing. You can just sit back and accept the congratulations of your compatriots for your good fortune when he crashes and burns."
SEN. FEINGOLD: Sun Tzu never said that.
SEN. REID: Ah, yes. But he could have said it. Which is why it sounds so true. I, myself, have never actually read the book. But I heard Newt Gingrich lecture about it a few years back. That guy was something else.
SEN. FEINGOLD: Sun Tzu or Newt Gingrich?
SEN. REID: What? Look, politics is much too important to be left to a bunch of well-meaning-but-misguided liberals from the Northeast and West Coast.
SEN. FEINGOLD: I'm from Wisconsin. It's closer to the middle of the country than Nevada.
SEN. REID: Wisconsin! Bah! Wisconsin is just Vermont with cows and cheese.
SEN. FEINGOLD: I'm pretty sure Vermont has cows and cheese, too. But we're getting off topic here. Are we going to go after the president or not?
SEN. REID: We will. But we can't do it now. His poll numbers are too low. We'd look mean for kicking a man when he's down.
SEN. FEINGOLD: So, can we go after him when his poll numbers come back up?
SEN. REID: Certainly not! It would be suicide to attack a popular president. Are you insane? You have to think one step ahead here. Always anticipate the response. If it's bad, then you keep your powder dry.
SEN. FEINGOLD: So, when can we attack the president? The man has fucked everything up. For cryin' out loud -- name an issue, and I guarantee he's fucked it up. Surely there has got to be some issue we can use to attack him.
SEN. REID: Sadly, there isn't. If we attack him on the Iraq war, terrorism, or national security, we look weak. If we attack him on civil liberties, the environment, or education, we look liberal.
SEN. FEINGOLD: So, what's left?
SEN. REID: Nothing. We're still waiting, Zen-like, for the perfect issue. Patience, my son. We have all the time in the world. Eventually, everything will just come together, and we shall achieve political Nirvana. (Closes eyes and assumes a sort-of lotus position.)
SEN. FEINGOLD: That seems like a long time. I think I'm going to go ahead with the censure resolution. (Begins to leave.)
SEN. REID: (Calls over his shoulder.) That's what Frist wants you to do!
SEN. FEINGOLD: Is that so? How do you know?
SEN. REID: Because he says so.
(Feingold shakes head, leaves.)
I actually like Harry Reid. But I started writing, and it seemed funny to paint him as a feckless bumbler. --Skinner
