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Down By The River
Posted by Southpawkicker in The DU Lounge
Tue Feb 06th 2007, 07:08 PM
I have found in this thread courage, pain, sadness, and a kind of comradery in the darkness of this horrible subject.

I thought more about my own dealings with the subject. I've dealt with it professionally, and personally. I've had friends kill themselves, clients and former clients kill themselves. I've worked with lots of people who've tried to kill themselves.

Personally I've come as close as I care to killing myself as I want to. I always thought that my son would be what kept me alive. I got to a point once where I decided that even he would be "better off" without me. At that point it was just me, the means, the plan, the note, and... I somehow decided that I really didn't want to die. I just wanted to stop hurting. I wonder if that isn't really what all suicide is about, to stop hurting.

I can look around and see people worse off than me in any direction I look. When I came that close to killing myself, I couldn't see anyone or anything but myself, and my own pain.

I've heard people say "I didn't have the guts to kill myself". I guess it takes a kind of "guts" to kill oneself. It also must take some kind of guts to not kill oneself. I do not want to sit in judgment of anyone who kills themselves. I just know that I no longer want to do that.

Yes, life sucks sometimes, and sometimes it sucks all the time. I think of the tragedies that people I've known have gone through. People on this board have gone through. People I know and love have gone through and are going through. Somehow, we all have much more in common than we have not in common with each other. The more we can embrace our sameness and get past our differences, the richer life gets and is for us.

Today I'm trying damned hard to embrace this life I was given. I don't know why I was given it. I don't know why some people don't make it. I don't know why a lot of things in this world happen. I do know that the more I can focus on what I can give back to the world, the better off I am. I know that the more I can actually do something for someone else, the less I focus on my problems and concerns. I know that the more I can get out of myself, the less concerned I am with the 'petty" things of life and the more I'm concerned with the world and the welfare of others.

I truly hope that anyone who posts on this thread, or posts on DU, or reads threads on DU will read through a lot of these threads as I have. There is so much humanity in them. People who have shared and bared their souls on a message board to try to help someone else. I'm in awe of them, and I so much respect these people today that I don't even know how to express it other than to say thanks to all of you.

SPK
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