Scene: A press conference in Dallas, associated with the release of the legendary billionaire’s new book, “The First Billion Is The Hardest: How Believing It's Still Early in the Game Can Lead to Life's Greatest Comebacks.” T. Boone Pickens: I want to thank all you folks in the media for takin’ time out from your busy schedules to hear about this here piece of litterture. Now, got any questions afore we break? Reporter: In your book, you describe a number of your failures as ‘successes’. Can y...

The Adventures of T. Boone Pickens Episode 29 Scene: Charles’ Gibson’s interview is finished. But Gibson has one more question for Governor Palin – off the record. Charles Gibson: I sincerely hope you found that interview to be appropriately respectful, Governor. Sarah Palin: ‘Course I did, Charlie, you big old puppydog, you. Gibson: I did have one last question that Steve didn’t want me to ask. It’s purely for my own edification. Palin: Fire away. The limo won’t be here for another ten...

Still more excerpts from ABC newsman Charles Gibson’s interview with Sarah Palin. Charles Gibson: Now for something a bit more sensitive, Governor. Sarah Palin: Bring it on, Charles. I’m a big girl. Gibson: The situation that the media sometimes calls Troopergate.. Palin: I don’t like that term one little bit. Gibson: How would you prefer we call it? Palin: Ex-brother-in-law-full-of-crap-Gate. Steve Schmidt bursts into the room. Schmidt: Whoa. Mrs. P., would you mind t...

ABC newsman Charles Gibson continues his exclusive, campaign-approved interview with Sarah Palin. Charles Gibson: On to the energy crisis, Governor. You’ve emphasized drilling in protected areas such as ANWR and off our coasts. Your opponents argue, with considerable expert support, that we can’t drill our way out of the problem. How do you respond? Sarah Palin: We can too drill our way out of the problem. There are huge untapped oil reserves in Alaska, Charlie. We shouldn’t waste time worry...

ABC newsman Charles Gibson continues his exclusive campaign-approved interview with Sarah Palin. Charles Gibson: Now for some hypotheticals, Governor. A woman discovers she is pregnant following a rape. She wants to abort. Do you approve? Sarah Palin: Unfortunately, it wouldn’t be my call, Charlie. The law permits her to do just that. Gibson: But do you personally approve? Palin: It’s common knowledge I’m pro-life. I’m not ashamed of it. In fact, I’m proud of it. Gibson: Do you, pe...

ABC newsman Charles Gibson is conducting his interview with GOP vice-presidential candidate and Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin. It is her first television interview since the Convention. Charles Gibson: I wanted to start with some of the major domestic issues, Sarah. Sarah Palin: Shoot, Charlie. Just kidding. You’re safe with me. Long as you’re not a moose, that is. Gibson: Heh heh. Well, let’s begin with the economy… Palin: Sorry, I’m not allowed to talk about that. Gibson: surprised You...

Scene: Legendary billionaire T. Boone Pickens is in his skybox after the Republican Convention. Something has happened to upset him greatly. He runs to the door and yells out into the hallway for McCain campaign guru Steve Schmidt. Pickens: Schmidt! Git your fat ass in here, will ya? Schmidt: What’s wrong? Pickens: This here woman’s gone batshit! Schmidt: panicky Mrs. Palin? Oh my God! Where is she? Pickens: Crumpled down behind the couch over there. Schmidt crosses the room and ...

Scene: T. Boone Pickens is in a skybox at the Xcel Center in St. Paul, which is hosting the Republican Convention. He is to meet with Senator McCain. Pickens is perusing a set of campaign photos. He calls to his assistant. Pickens: Gimme an opinion on this here picture, Lloyd. Is John starin’ at her tits? Assistant: Appears he is, sir. Pickens: Good for him. First real thing I seen him do in a month. Assistant: Steve Schmidt does have him pretty well scripted. Pickens: Has to. Otherwise...

Scene: a coffee shop in Wasilla, Alaska. Two rather disreputable looking men sit in a booth. One sips coffee and complains it’s too hot. The other, much larger and scruffier-looking, is tearing strips off a napkin. A third man in a flannel shirt slides into the seat across from them. Todd P.: The chicken lays best at full moon. First man: What the fuck did you say? Todd: The chicken lays best at full moon. That’s the password. You’re supposed to say, “not during high summer.” First man: I ...

Scene: another morning campaign strategy meeting at McCain headquarters, with Karl Rove disciple Steve “Bullethead” Schmidt presiding. The Senator and his pick for VP are on the road, campaigning. Steve Schmidt: Wow. The Senator hit it out of the park. What a terrific VP pick. The aides remain silent. Schmidt: I mean, is she great or what? More silence. Schmidt: All right. Out with it. Aide: I just have the one question. Who the fuck is Sarah Palin? Schmidt: sighs Read the bio, asshol...

A small group of young men stand on a street corner in downtown Denver. They carry signs and chant slogans in support of John McCain and against Barack Obama. After a while, they are approached by a large man dressed entirely in Army fatigues. He wears a sergeant’s insignia. McCain supporter: Wow, man. Are you like on active duty? Sergeant: Sure am, my loyal American patriot brothers. And I can’t tell you how good it is for the heart of an old soldier, to see you strong young American’s out h...

Scene: Legendary billionaire T. Boone Pickens is being interviewed on a Fox affiliate in Colorado. Interviewer: Mr. Pickens, you’re scheduled to present in Denver on your Pickens Plan to develop alternative energy sources including wind and natural gas. I can’t help but wonder if, as a funder of the Swift Boat Veterans smear campaign in 2004, you aren’t a bit nervous about addressing an audience of Democrats. Pickens: Democrats? Who said they’re Democrats? Interviewer: It’s Convention we...

Scene: The early hours of the morning. The Straight Talk Express pulls up in front of the home of T. Boone Pickens, legendary billionaire. A lone figure emerges and makes a dash inside. It’s John McCain, arriving for another lesson in economics. Pickens: You look tired, boy. McCain: You can’t imagine how many greenies I have to swallow just to get through one of those fucking town meetings. Pickens: I thought they was your speciality. McCain: My speciality is the afternoon nap. Now, where...

Scene: C-Span’s morning call-in show. Today’s guest is Jerome Corsi, author of a recent book on Senator Obama. Jerome Corsi (responding to a caller): … and what most Americans don’t realize is that Obama’s uncle, Ferdinand, is himself a graduate of an Al Qaeda training camp in west Pakistan. Host: Wait -- is that true? Jerome Corsi: What do you mean, is it true? I stated that most Americans don’t realize that Ferdinand Obama is Al Qaeda. And clearly, they don’t. Host: I mean, I’ve neve...

A television commercial featuring the legendary billionaire addressing California voters to garner support for Proposition 10 on the November 2008 ballot. Pickens appears alone onscreen, with background music provided by the Sons of the Pioneers. Chorus: To the tune of “We’re In The Jailhouse Now” by the Soggy Bottom Boys We’re all wind guys now, We’re the wind guys now, It’s our new cash cow, We’re the wind guys now. T. Boone Pickens: Howdy, this here’s your old buddy T. Boone, asking for...

Another early-morning campaign strategy meeting at McCain headquarters. The Senator is in another room watching the Olympics. Steve Schmidt: I still can’t believe the Israelis were so attached to Middle Eastern dirt. Aide: The Holy Land thing. Schmidt: Yeah, a real deal-breaker. Lissen up. It’s Veep time. This is greeted with loud groans. Schmidt: What? Second aide: Means we have to listen to the Senator again. Mimes gagging. Schmidt: He’s not that bad. Third aide: Yes he is...

An early-morning campaign strategy meeting at McCain headquarters, Karl Rove disciple Steve “Bullet Head” Schmidt presiding. The Senator is in another room watching the Olympics. Steve Schmidt: What about this situation in South Ossetia? Aide: Looks like it’s beginning to de-escalate a little. Schmidt: Can’t we do something to perk it back up? War would really help us. Even if we’re not directly involved. Just the suggestion of war is something we could play off. Second Aide: Maybe the ...

Late one evening at the Pickens mansion. The legendary billionaire has been entertaining John McCain and Karl Rove. McCain: I think I’d like to take a break. Do you have a DVD player? Pickens: Sure. to his assistant Show him, willya? McCain follows the assistant down the hall to a recreation room. The assistant returns a few minutes later. Pickens: What’s he watching? Assistant: Top Gun. Rove: It’s his favorite. Pickens: Karl, I gotta ask you. What’s wrong with John? Rove: sudd...

T. Boone Pickens, legendary billionaire, is meeting privately over dinner with Senator McCain and his senior advisor, Karl Rove. McCain is answering questions about his plans for America. Rove is strangely quiet. Pickens: So tell me how you plan to get us out of Iraq, John. McCain: I don’t. It’s the only war we’ve got going. If we got out, we’d be short a war. Pickens: So your plan is to stay indefinitely. McCain: My plan is to win. I’m positive we can. It’s a winnable war. Pickens: A...

Late night at the Texas residence of legendary billionaire T. Boone Pickens. Pickens is preparing for bed. Suddenly from the shadows appear two men clad in black from head to toe. Pickens: Holy frozen frijoles… Grabs gun from beneath pillow Ninja: Don’t shoot! It’s only us, the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth! Pickens: You boys almost got yourselves perpunctuated. Ninja: We come in peace. We seek your aid in our great cause. Pickens: Money again, huh? Ninja: The time nears for the F...

Scene 1: Senator McCain and his advisors are reviewing TV spots for his campaign. Ad Exec: Now this is designed as a subtle reference to your heroism. Music swells; it’s a familiar theme from childhood. Sound track: “Here he comes to save the day!!!” McCain: Do I get to wear a costume? Ad Exec: It’s animated. McCain: Well, every superhero needs a name. What’s mine? Ad Exec: We’ve been wracking our brains. Scene 2: Carly Fiorina, the McCain economic advisor, is on TV explaining the...

A conference room at McCain headquarters. Legendary billionaire T. Boone Pickens has been invited to help the Senator screen the first examples of his new, more assertive ad campaign. Ad Exec: I’ll start the presentation as soon as we’re finished booting up the computer, gentlemen. T. Boone Pickens: These guys any good, John Boy? Senator McCain: The best. Same ones that beat the stuffing out of Kerry in ‘04. Pickens: I thought you told everybody you weren’t gonna go negative. McCain: Th...

Legendary billionaire T. Boone Pickens is in one of his offices receiving callers who want to petition support for their projects. At the head of the line is former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich. He arrives looking especially humble. Former Speaker Gingrich: First off, Mr. Pickens, I just want to say that it’s a privilege to make your acquaintance. Should I call you Boone? T. Boone Pickens: If you’re here for money, I’d suggest ‘Mr. Pickens, Sir’. Gingrich: Hah-hah. Good one. However by...

Scene 1: an oil platform in the Gulf of Mexico. Three Republican Senators have arrived there by helicopter. They stand at the railing and admire the view. Sen. Mitch McConnell of Kentucky: Cast your eyes on that vast expanse of clean blue sea, people. Isn’t it be-yootiful? Sen. Ted Stevens of Alaska: It does take your breath away. McConnell: And teeming with the irreplaceable wonders of nature. Stevens: Yep. Gonna break my heart to have to rip it to pieces. McConnell: It’s for the great...

Another late night meeting. Legendary billionaire T. Boone Pickens is providing supersecret campaign advice to Senator McCain. Pickens: Tell me something, my friend. What makes you so danged certain you’re going to win? McCain: surprised Well, I guess because I’ve done everything they told me to do. I sucked up to the pro-lifers, and a couple of creepy TV preachers. I completely abandoned my position on immigration. I reversed myself on torture – that wasn’t easy, believe me. Basically, there...

Legendary billionaire T. Boone Pickens is appearing before a Senate committee to answer questions on energy resources. He has just completed a formal presentation with lots of really big, colorful charts. Sen. Lieberman: Sir, on behalf of the august body perched on the edge of their seats before you, I extend our sincere thanks for your most inspiratory and elucidative presentation on the impinging crisis in energy. Now as you all know, I am a committed bipartisan. In practical terms, I vot...

Around 4AM at the residence of the legendary billionaire. Pickens and his secret visitor, Senator McCain, have just finished a meal catered by the local Waffle House. They prepare to continue their tutoring sessions on economics. McCain: wipes mouth with napkin Man, that was good. If I wasn’t so famous, I’d have breakfast at the Waffle House every morning. Pickens: You might could chance it anyway, John. Now, where’d we leave off? McCain consults notes. McCain: You were explaining why t...

It’s just past midnight at one of the lesser-known Texas residences of T. Boone Pickens, legendary billionaire. The servants, exhausted,, have gone to bed. Pickens sits alone in a leather easy chair, sipping Jack and soda. At the door, a soft knock. Pickens: C’mon in. The door opens. Senator McCain enters. McCain: I have to be careful. Nobody knows I’m here. Pickens: How-dee-do to you too, John-boy. McCain: takes a chair opposite his host. I can’t be seen. Pickens: Seems to me that n...

T. Boone Pickens, legendary billionaire, is meeting with a group of other billionaires as part of his campaign to promote his own alternative energy projects. Pickens has just finished a professionally produced presentation about investment opportunities. T. Boone Pickens: So in the future, that’s what the name Pickens will be about – the future. Innovation in energy. Safe, efficient, and affordable power. America’s future generations. Billionaire #1: Wow, Boone. You sound like you reall...

T. Boone Pickens, legendary billionaire, is preparing for an interview on Good Morning America, aided by his assistant. The interview begins. Interviewer: Mr. Pickens, as an oilman… Pickens: Son, I’m not an oil man. I used to be an oil man, a long damn time ago. Then I went into the money bidness. Hell, I’m still in the money bidness. But now I’m a wind man, too. And put natural gas in there. I’m a wind man with natural gas, that’s how I’d put it. Interviewer: I understand that wind and na...