Is he innocent? Is he guilty? Is the cop a sicko, or is he just doing his job? Let's look at the facts of the case that both parties have agreed upon and draw some conclusions, shall we?

I'll ignore the peeping tom part for now and focus on the actual stall behavior to look at this difficult logistical issue. Hopefully we can settle the debate here and now.

In reading this thread several logistical questions have come up for me about this whole affair that I’d like to pose, based on the assumption that Craig’s explanation of the whole affair is valid. Maybe some of you could help me out with a few plausible answers:

First, let’s assume that instead of tapping his foot in his own stall, then moving it into the adjacent stall to solicit sex from an undercover police officer, Craig explained that he simply uses a “wide stance” whenever he drops a bowel bomb. I’ve never been a fan of this technique, but hey - to each his own. Being a United States Senator, I’m assuming that Craig usually has the luxury of a large, plush, roomy bathroom that has allowed him to develop this special squat. However, when you’re in an airport bathroom, common decorum dictates that you keep YOUR GODDAMMED FEET IN YOUR OWN STALL! I do a fair amount of air traveling, and I’ve had to use airport bathrooms dozens of times in the last few years. It’s difficult enough to get your business done amid the waterfall-like sounds of other people doing their thing, not to mention the stale yet acrid boquet of old beer farts and partially dissolved urinal cakes. Even those with a minimum of awareness must know that when in a place like this, you don’t even make eye contact, much less start flailing body parts around in other people’s stalls while they're preoccupied with more pressing matters.

All’s I’m saying is – if I’m in mid-stream and you jam your foot into my stall – I’m whizzing all over it out of spite. Take that, stall invader! Think about the salty wet sock you’ll be wearing all day the next time you feel the need to impose your special wide pooping technique when you fly with me, chief. I make no apologies on this one - that’s just the way I roll, baby.

Moving on - in response to the police report that said Senator Craig also “swipe(d) his hand under the stall divider for a few seconds, swiping from the front of the stall towards the back wall, which was done with the Defendant’s hand palm-up and guiding it along the stall divider”. The report said that Craig did this three times. Craig’s defense? He had dropped a piece of paper and was attempting to pick it up. The arresting officer made it clear that there was no paper on the floor.

Let’s assume that he really was reading a single piece of paper while doing his business. I’m guessing it was a pamphlet offering emergency instructions on how to treat the inevitable perforated bowel cavity he was suffering as a result giving birth to the special big brown baby boy that his "wide stance" created. Maybe, during a particularly painful contraction, he lost grip on his pamphlet and it flew up into the air like a newly freed bird, swaying back and forth feather-like as it descended until it swooped awkwardly into the stall next to him. These kinds of things happen to us all everyday, right? Although he was panicking, the poor Senator could not leave his seat because he had just hit the point of no return and things had finally started to move, which forced him to stay seated. He frantically tapped his foot in an attempt to catch the embarrassing paper before it glided into the next stall. Not knowing that the laws of physics had been magically suspended and that the paper had disintegrated into anti-matter upon leaving his stall, the Senator reached under the partition in an attempt to retrieve the evidence of his special condition before it could be discovered. In his haste, he reached in palms-up, negating any chance he had of picking anything up off of the floor. Hey, maybe he’s not the best multi-tasker.

Assuming that this is exactly how things happened, here’s my question – if I’m in a public restroom, and I drop a piece of paper on the floor, am I really going to pick it up? I’ve never been in a public women’s restroom, but trust me ladies when I say that some men create messes in our public restrooms that make little annoyances like “leaving the seat up” seem like a blessing from God. If an upright seat is the greatest hardship a guy finds upon entering an empty stall, we feel like we've just won the scatalogical lottery. Please allow me to elaborate for you - remember the famous scene from the movie “Scanners”, where the guy’s head explodes all over the place? It’s kinda like that in our public restrooms, except here the guy’s ass exploded instead of his head. Let’s put it another way: if I were traveling abroad and dropped my passport on the airport bathroom floor, I would rather seek asylum from my host country than live out the remainder of my shortened life as a buffet for the flesh-eating bacteria that I would now host as a result of retrieving such an important document.

I know what you’re saying – how can any man (even a straight one) control the urges of love that always seem to take over in an environment as romantic as this? It is tough, I must admit. But it will take a far more dedicated sociologist than me to find the answer to this age-old question.

Which takes me to my final observation – why did Senator Craig insist that during his press conference “Let me be clear – I am not gay. I never have been gay. I love my wife.”?

First of all, he wasn’t arrested for being gay – as far as I know, being gay isn’t even against the law, except maybe for Utah and parts of Oklahoma. What he WAS ARRESTED AND PLED GUILTY TO was making blatant attempts to solicit sex from an undercover police officer in an airport bathroom. The speed at which the entire Republican Party distanced themselves from him adds credence to the decades-long rumors around the beltway that this guy has been attracted to men his whole life.

There could be other, less likely explanations. Perhaps he was so proud of what last night's dinner had become that he wanted the world to see it in all of its glory. Maybe he has a rare fear of flying that can only be treated by wearing someone else's balls as eyebrows. Hey, I'm no doctor - who am I to judge the merits of alternative medicine?

Maybe he wasn’t totally lying though. He did say “I am not gay” – maybe this experience has made the thought of rubbing the naughty bits of a stranger in a public bathroom slightly less alluring. Maybe he’s bisexual. That would explain the loving his wife part, although if I were a closet homosexual I’d have to publicly profess my love to anyone who I could trust to keep a secret I felt shame about for several decades.

Here’s part of his statement I find quite funny – when he said “I never have been gay”. That’s classic. He’s operating under the false assumption that most homophobes believe, that being gay is a choice. The way Senator Craig thinks, being gay is like having some sort of light switch that you can turn on and off at will. I’m sure that the untold hundreds of thousands of gay teens in this country will be elated to hear this fabulous news. I honestly doubt that in houses all across America, straight teens are thinking “Hmm – I like people of the opposite sex, but I also want to increase the number of beatings that I get from other kids – what to do? I know; I’ll turn on the ol’ gay switch!”

He now says he regrets having pled guilty. Pardon the pun, but for a gay guy I would have expected him to have better hindsight. I’ve never been arrested before, but even with my anemic knowledge of the legal system, I do know that I wouldn’t immediately admit to guilt for something I never did. Especially if I were a well-known politician. Even more especially if I was known as a leader of the homophobic movement who was accused of trying to knob-job a stranger in a smelly public toilet, where the pungent aroma of floaters clouded my stall.

Yes, he’s a hypocrite, yes, he’s been busted, and yes, his career is essentially over.

Such is the life of Senator Larry Craig, America’s most notorious Copsucker.