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The Desperate Blogger's DU Journal
Posted by The System Stinks in General Discussion
Mon Nov 28th 2011, 10:24 PM
SATIRE from /

Happy Holidays – just kidding… Merry Christmas to all of our subscribers! We at 1%er Talking Points hope you spend your end-of-year bonuses in good health as we all look forward to another year of unprecedented prosperity!

With that in mind, the editors would like to share with you a suggestion passed along by one of our readers who, like most of you, wishes to remain anonymously above the fray… As many of you will be attending the season’s major art auctions, you may be well advised to purchase a portfolio of works by living relative unknowns. As our anonymous source, former hedge fund CEO and Professor of Recession Economics at Pueblo State University, Newton Toomey points out, with the predictable pending upswing in the mortality rate among artists, most of whom are unemployed, uninsured, and otherwise belong with society’s other bottom-feeders, those currently producing works of merit can be expected to die in the short-to-medium term (as opposed to medium-to-long) leaving behind limited bodies of work which should appreciate handsomely in value. As an ancillary benefit, ‘supporting’ struggling artists by purchasing a warehouse full of contemporary pieces at fire-sale prices (even by today’s standards — remember, they need to buy food and pay rent) as opposed to purchasing one $20 million Rembrandt will help to solidify your credentials as a ‘job creator’.

(Disclaimer: As always, we at ‘1%er Talking Points’ bear no responsibility for any action taken by any organization, group, or individual based upon any statements or actions of ours.)

Again, Merry Christmas and a Happy and Profitable New Year!

Now, on to the task at hand:

Talking Point #1: ‘Gay Season’ is upon us. With the 2012 campaign about to enter its Primary phase, it’s time to once again divert public attention from jobs, the economy and the wars by pounding the table on behalf of good old-fashioned anti-gay family values. Now that the Kenyan anti-colonial Ivy League elitist has succeeded in getting DADT repealed and the liberal Jewish New Yorkers have legalized gay marriage, it’s time to again mobilize ‘God’s warriors’ to clog up the media’s print and air-space. But alas, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus – and he’s given us Penn State Football and Syracuse Basketball. We suggest whenever possible the merging of the anti-gay crusade with the call to eliminate all forms of public aid for education, as well, of course, as the elimination of the federal Department of Education.

Talking Point #2: ‘The 53%’. Our patrons continue to bless us with their unwavering support in spite of hard economic times, due largely in part to our esteemed marketing genius who realized that “getting them to believe they could become one of us has got to be an easier sell than a talking, burning bush or a virgin birth.” The editors hope that this past Thanksgiving our readers remembered to give thanks to all of those who complain they are supporting the ‘other 47%’ when in fact it is we who maintain our position through their diligence, loyalty, and hard work. That being said, however, we must refer to them as ‘hard working, patriotic Americans’ and the like, but NEVER as ‘the 53%’. Doing so only seems to inspire the few remaining liberal ‘goody two-shoes’ journalists who still believe that news stories should be fact-based to point out not only how small and inadequate one’s income must be to avoid paying even $1 in federal income tax, but also how much ‘the 47%’ pay in state, local, sales, property, excise, and other taxes.

Talking Point #3: Spending Cuts = Taxpayer Savings. Any federal budget cuts involving education, Medicaid, aid to states, etc. should be referred to only in the generic form, such as ‘spending cuts’, ‘increased savings’, ‘reducing wasteful expenditures’, etc. They should never be specifically referred to as anything that anyone with half-a-brain should realize is nothing more than the federal government passing the cost down to the state and local level and therefore not creating a dime of ‘Taxpayer Savings’.

Talking Point #4: Market Uncertainty. Our PR campaign blaming the lack of public sector job growth on uncertainty caused by the corporate tax rate, government regulation and the pending phase-in of Obamacare continues to successful beyond all projections. American corporations are currently sitting on about $2 trillion in cash. But if we are to get the legislation we need to grow that number to $3 trillion, we have to ‘keep the pedal to the metal’. Anyone suggesting that lower demand due to lower wages, the recession and/or lack of disposable income of the consumer class is to blame should be attacked as ‘uninformed’, ‘economically naïve’ or an ‘intellectual elite who has never created a job in his/her life’.

Talking Point #5: Small Government. If confronted on the issue while blaming ‘failed big government policies’ for the current high levels of unemployment, always refer to the nearly 1 million private sector jobs cut since the recession began as ‘statistically insignificant’.

Talking Point #6: Pepper Spray. It’s about time whiny liberals stop complaining about the use of an everyday condiment “being used to attack peaceful demonstrators” who are trying to bring down capitalism. If pepper is so dangerous, they should stop having it placed in public school, hospital, and other cafeterias – at taxpayer expense – and they should also boycott their beloved chi-chi, subversive restaurants that serve foreign cuisine and pay illegal immigrants to go from table to table ‘fresh cracking’ it into everyone’s food. Kudos to our friends at U.C.-Davis for distracting attention from the increasing police militarism going on everywhere else and facilitating the start of a more palatable dialogue (no pun intended)…

Reminder: Support those who support us! With the Thanksgiving holiday now behind us, be sure to tune in to Fox News, whose special week-long series, “The War on Christmas” begins tonight, kicking off their annual month-long campaign to distract public attention away from important issues by airing countless incessant rants on this topic. Also be sure to support your local Fox affiliate, who, depending on where you live, can again be counted on to use the season’s first snowfall as an excuse to debunk the ‘global warming’ myth…
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The Desperate Blogger is a freelance writer based in New York City.
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