SATIRE ... http://thedesperateblogger.com/2010/03/cap... /

In Major Shift, Congressional Failure Shocks Many, Leaves Some Skeptical

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A stunned nation sat glued to cable news programming today as rescue workers swarmed the Capitol Building searching for victims after it was reported that as many as 530 members of the House and Senate attempted mass suicide following the release of the latest nationwide poll results. So far, no deaths have been reported, but many who cover Capitol Hill on a regular basis remain optimistic.

It all began shortly before noon, when the latest polls revealed that 61% of registered voters agreed with the statement, “I think our country would be better off if every member of Congress killed themselves.” This reflected a 12% jump since last March and marked only the forty-first time since regular polling began that a majority agreed with that statement. Only 3% “disagreed” while 1% “strongly disagreed” and 35% “strongly agreed”. The poll has a margin of error of plus or minus 50 lawmakers.

A spokesman for Walter Reade Medical Center told reporters that many Democrats were slightly affected by a mild dose of a prescription pain killer, telling reporters, “Apparently they thought they were taking a lethal dose, but fortunately, or unfortunately depending on where you stand, one of their members bought the drug in Canada. While they were a little woozy and unable to function well cognitively, unless someone had medical training they probably wouldn’t have noticed anything unusual.” He also revealed that no toxins were found in the systems of any Republicans, saying, “We have since learned that the individual who initially agreed to mix the punch had a last minute change of heart.” It was also disclosed that a few of the most senior members of both parties were treated for oxygen inhalation and released.

The fact that no poison was contained in the purple Kool-Aid ingested by Republicans was later confirmed by a Senate staffer. Meegan Toomey, an aide to Kentucky Senator Jim Bunning who spoke on condition of anonymity, revealed that while Senator Bunning had initially agreed to lace the “official beverage of the GOP” with cyanide, he later balked, insisting that the cyanide first be paid for. The balk, incidentally, was Bunning’s first since August 12, 1968, when he out-dueled Los Angeles Dodgers’ ace Don Drysdale for a 2-1 victory.

It should also be noted that Senator Bunning, fellow Republican Ron Paul, Democrat Dennis Kucinich, and Independents Joe Lieberman and Bernie Sanders did not participate in the festivities. “I may consider killing myself at a later date, if that’s what the polls say and I feel it’s in the best interest of the people of Kentucky,” Bunning said in an interview with Entertainment Weekly, “but right now I’m just too busy killing the Republican Party.”

As is the case with many major events that alter the national political landscape, there are already some who question the official version of events. “There was never any sincere attempt made at ‘autocongricide’,” according to political activist Oswald Ruby, who called for an immediate independent investigation, adding, “This was staged.” As evidence, Mr. Ruby produced what he claimed were classified poll results never intended to be released to the public. According to the document distributed to gathered media, a recent poll showed that 68% of all Americans responded favorably to the statement, “I’d be more likely to support the re-election of officials who at least tried to do the honorable thing and commit suicide.” Another 24% indicated that they would definitely support those whose suicide attempts were successful.

Several cable news outlets have announced that, barring further developments in this story, they will resume their normal programming this evening. MSNBC will air a three-hour documentary about the death of Michael Jackson while the Fox News Channel boasts three hours of their prime-time ‘entertainment hosts’ advising people to invest in gold with their sponsors. E! will continue its Pre-Red Carpet Sidewalk Show from the site of Sunday’s Academy Award ceremonies.

(SATIRE) http://thedesperateblogger.com/2010/03/bun... /

Republican leaders hailed Kentucky Senator Jim Bunning this morning for breaking his own logjam on extending unemployment benefits to hundreds of thousands of the long-term unemployed by introducing an amendment to the bill which, in the words of Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “will help produce new generations of fiscally responsible Americans.”

The amendment would effectively bar the White House, as well as any other entity receiving federal funding, from using taxpayer dollars to fund annual ‘Easter Egg Rolls’ as well as other ‘holiday government giveaways’.

Bunning, who has often been at odds with members of his own party for what is perceived as his standing on their shallow principles to the point of utter disregard for poll numbers and election cycles — and last Friday may have jeopardized close elections for many in the GOP by citing core Republican values as his reason for preventing the vote to extend unemployment benefits and tax subsidies for COBRA — characterized his last-minute amendment as “a measure that will help break the vicious cycle of dependency on the government.”

House Majority Leader, John Boehner, who in the past has often attended the annual Easter Egg Roll in order to work on his tan, was one of the many to heap praise on Senator Bunning for his innovative compromise solution. “This is the best game Senator Bunning has pitched since that ‘perfecto’ against Seattle in 1968,” Boehner told reporters in an apparent reference to the Baseball Hall of Famer’s 1964 perfect game against the New York Mets. “How are we supposed to teach kids about personal responsibility when the President and First Lady are out there playing Easter Bunny and giving unnecessary, taxpayer-funded handouts?”

South Carolina Senator Jim DeMint, who was reportedly overheard telling colleagues, “If Obama insists on having his Easter Egg Roll, it will be his Waterloo,” later told a press gathering, “Americans now realize that they have two clear choices. They can go with the Democrat party and perpetuate the socialistic culture of big government, big handouts, and big deficits, or, they can go with the party that tells their kids, ‘no big government, no big deficits, no Easter Bunny, no Santa Claus’. I think the American people know what matters most to their kids.”

Those sentiments were echoed by conservative radio pundit and porcine pill-popper Rush Limbaugh, who vocally lauded Bunning’s amendment, telling his audience, “There’s a reason Santa wears red, you know, and it’s not to camouflage his pink, drunk-on-wasteful-spending nose, comrades.”

http://thedesperateblogger.com/2010/02/bre... /

Citing what he described as the “the persecution of a great hero who rid their land of Godless communists” as a possible cause, prominent TV evangelist and amateur seismologist Pat Robertson today argued that the 8.8 magnitude of the earthquake that struck Chile early this morning should serve as a warning to the population that “God is even angrier with them than he is with the people of Haiti.”

“If I had to guess, I’d say it must have to do with Chile’s persecution and attempted prosecution of their great former leader, and a personal hero of mine, Augusto Pinochet – who, it should be noted, had never been convicted of a crime when the Lord called him home three years ago.” The popular host of ‘The 700 Club’ and longtime bingo circuit icon also added, “General Pinochet not only assisted the CIA in the overthrow of Chile’s Marxist government, but is widely credited with personally arranging the meetings of hundreds, perhaps thousands, of his countrymen with Jesus.”

General Pinochet, who spent the last eight years of his life fighting prosecution on human rights and other charges before succumbing to congestive heart failure in December 2006, could not be reached for comment, even by Robertson. The General–turned-Dictator has long been considered a transformative figure in the field of Crimes Against Humanity as a result of his landmark policy of ‘Forced Disappearance’, and was even honored in 1998 with the first-ever arrest warrant for a former head of state under the principle of ‘universal jurisdiction’ by Spanish Judge Baltasar Garzon, who is currently investigating former Bush Administration officials for War Crimes and Crimes Against Humanity.

For his part, Robertson, who reportedly lobbied then-President George W. Bush on behalf of former Liberian Dictator and accused Human Rights criminal Charles Taylor in exchange for lucrative gold mining contracts, says that he is “praying that the people of Chile will heed this warning, and never again blaspheme against God and international free-market commerce by nationalizing their most precious natural resources.”

Dear Senators and Representatives:

There seems to be a growing misconception within your ranks as to your job descriptions. To put it in the simplest terms possible, you have all been elected to represent your various constituents. I realize that upon reading that last statement, every one of you would say, “Yes, of course that’s why we’re here.” The problem is, many of you have either lost sight of (or just misunderstand) exactly what “representing us” means. Too many of you seem to believe that you are there to be “representative of us”.

Based upon the rhetoric emanating not only from yourselves, but also from former members of your bodies, advisers, lobbyists, reporters, pundits and a myriad of useless hacks who inundate our media, this misconception is not only growing in terms of the numbers afflicted, but is also becoming more entrenched. What’s even more dangerous – for all of us – is that it has led to disgruntled masses believing that any jackass (or in the name of bipartisanship, elephant) is capable of doing any one of your jobs equally well or better. While I think we can all agree that in many cases, this is of course, true, it certainly should not be in most. But let’s be honest with ourselves. What appears to be the next political tsunami bearing down on the Beltway has nothing to do with liberal or conservative ideology, “family” or “Christian” values, or any of the other most popular sound-bites the masses are subjected to in every even-numbered year. Rather, it’s a movement calling for every last one of you to be ridden out of town on a rail come November and replaced with anyone who is, for lack of a better description, not you.

And who’s responsible for people believing that any jackass (or elephant) could do your job just as well? You are. You are the ones, especially in election years, who spout incredibly inane, blatantly patronizing statements like, “We in Congress are mistaken when we start to believe we know better than the American people what’s best for them.”

REALLY??

Not that I think for a moment that any one of you believes this about yourself, but if you do, I would humbly submit that you should do the “honorable thing” and resign immediately. You may be “representative of” the people, but you obviously are not properly “representing” anyone.

With only a couple of exceptions, every one of you has now been in office for more than one year. You have full time staff and all of the resources of the United States government at your disposal. It is incumbent upon you to utilize these resources (provided at taxpayer expense) to acquaint yourselves with the issues facing our country in a way that those you “represent” cannot. (My apologies for using the word ‘incumbent’ in a way that has become foreign to you…)

In a nutshell, it’s your friggin’ job to know better than we do. Your election to office was the voters’ expression of their faith and trust in you to utilize these resources and make important decisions on our behalf. Governing based on public opinion polls – effectively saying, “gee guys, I dunno, what do you think?” is not only a lazy cop-out, but a dereliction of duty.

When polled, most children would choose candy and ice cream for dinner, but they invariably learn to trust their parents to make better decisions for them based on knowledge and experience. The fact that the parents who choose to serve their kids candy and ice cream for dinner will generally be voted “best parents on the block” by local kids doesn’t mean they’re doing a good job. Opinion polls are nothing more than a diluted form of public referenda. Governing according to them will inevitably lead to our country becoming a larger, less efficient, version of California. (http://thedesperateblogger.com/2009/08/pol... /)

But if you feel you just can’t survive without the crutch of opinion polls, may I suggest that you poll each other anonymously. If members of Congress were able to freely express their honest opinions without fear of political repercussions, not only would consensus be more easily reached, but I believe you would find the public more accepting of the poll results themselves. Just as the majority of the population would rather hear the opinions of a sampling of doctors on how to best treat an illness, so too would they respect the opinions of professional lawmakers as to the best public policy. Frankly, when I see some guy playing with himself on the subway or there’s woman I’m stuck behind in line because she can’t decide whether she wants mustard or mayo on her sandwich, the last thing I’m worried about is their opinion on job creation or health care reform. What’s astounding is how much you seem to worry.

Ladies and gentlemen, you have been entrusted to lead our country at a time when we are in dire need of strong, competent leadership. So lead — don’t look to those who elected you to lead them for guidance. Guiding our Republic through the current storm is your job, and it’s a job you asked for. And yes, if you screw up, you may or may not lose your job. Welcome to the real world.

And please never tell us that you don’t know any better than we do. That statement can be only one of two things — an insult to our intelligence, or a testament to the lack of your own.

Respectfully yours,

Lloyd Woltz
(a.k.a. “The Desperate Blogger”
… and a registered voter)



http://thedesperateblogger.com/2010/02/an-...

According to a report to be published in next week’s edition of the New England Journal of Medicine, tax cuts, long touted by conservatives as a cure for every problem the country faces, may indeed provide a useful stimulus for more than just the economy.

The results of a medical study conducted at last week’s Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in Baltimore indicate a strong correlation between the mere mention of tax cuts by convention speakers and “tangible growth and focus in areas unrelated to the speech” among those in attendance.

The study, put together in recent months by a group of conservative doctors, was inspired by their own observations after attending a speech by Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann at their St. Paul country club. “When we compared our notes, the root cause of the physical manifestations we and others in attendance experienced during the speech quickly became apparent,” said Dr. Paul Katz, Distinguished Fellow of Photo-Gynecological Research at Hennepin County Medical Center in Minneapolis. “Nothing else about the Congresswoman or anything she had to say could have produced such a result.”

After formulating their outline for a clinical trial, Dr. Katz and his colleagues contacted the organizers of CPAC, who agreed to allow their team to discreetly gather data at this year’s convention. As a safety precaution, the organizers also agreed to schedule seminars and speakers in a manner that ensured no participant would be exposed to talk of reduced taxes for more than four consecutive hours.

“Our staff did a great job,” said Dr. Katz of the 100-plus medical research professionals who were dispersed among the CPAC crowd, “Due to a certain physical characteristic which was unusually prevalent among the sample group, only a highly trained eye would typically even notice any response to the stimuli utilized, let alone have the skill to quantify it.”

While the results of this trial are primarily observational, Dr. Katz added that plans are already in the works to test the effectiveness of the treatment in a laboratory environment. “There was a certain ‘surprise speaker’ at CPAC — who shall remain anonymous — who has indicated publicly that he is a strong believer in the accuracy of data obtained by attaching electrodes to the subject’s genitals, and who has also promised to assist us in gaining access to what he described as ‘a couple of hundred subjects who are used to it by now’. It is our hope that the next phase of trials will begin this spring in Cuba.”

Seizing the opportunity presented by this preliminary data, House Majority Leader John Boehner, sporting the impressive suntan he acquired while working on constituent issues in his native Ohio during the President’s Day recess, called on Congress to pass across-the-board tax cuts for all Americans, particularly American subsidiaries of foreign corporations. But later, bowing to pressure from so-called ‘Blue Dog’ Democrats over public health concerns, ‘The Bronze Clod’ as he is known to many on Capitol Hill, amended his position, proposing to exclude from tax relief “… any persons taking nitrates for chest pains or whose doctor determines that they are not healthy enough for sexual activity”.

In a related story, shares of pharmaceutical giant Pfizer fell over 18% to $14.37 per share on heavy volume. Former Senator and Viagra spokesman Bob Dole was unavailable for comment. According to his publicist, Senator Dole was “spending the entire afternoon in consultation with his doctors and accountant.”

http://thedesperateblogger.com/2010/02/stu... /

Calls Late Comic “Too Liberal for America”

(Satire)

‘Fox and Friends’ host Steve Doocy, who earlier in the day warned viewers that singer/songwriter John Mellencamp is more liberal than either Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama, has now placed his bull’s-eye on the late comedian George Carlin.

This morning, responding to supporters calls for a Mellencamp Senate bid for the seat being vacated by Evan Bayh, Doocy characterized the driving force behind Farm Aid as “way over there!” Mellencamp, who remains a silent non-candidate, could not be reached for comment.

Later in the day, Doocy was back, this time attacking comedian George Carlin, who he sees as a possible primary contender against New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand. “I think almost any Republican would probably prevail in a general election against that Southern Black carpetbagger guy,” he said (referring to former Tennessee Congressman Harold Ford, Jr.,) “But Carlin, a major league lefty, could pose a major threat not only to his rivals, but to our country. He’s very liberal, he’s very popular, and the fact that he’s dead poses unique challenges for his opposition.”

When asked about the feasibility of a Senate bid by Carlin, who died in June of 2008, Doocy was quick to point out, “Qualified, experienced, conservative Republicans, such as John Ashcroft in 2000 for example, have often had trouble defeating dead opponents, who many view as more sympathetic and charismatic. Also, dead candidates are known for avoiding scandal – if one’s ever caught in a motel room with a sitting member of Congress, for instance, they’re never the one who signed the register.”

Meegan Toomey, a producer with ‘Fox and Friends’ who spoke on condition of anonymity, confirmed that the network has developed a new strategy of attacking liberals who are not candidates for office, telling reporters, “This presumably will allow for easier attacks on candidates supported by those who have already been impugned without the hassle and annoyance of presenting valid, pertinent facts which some viewers expect when a direct attack is launched.” She later added, “The genius of a Steve Doocy is that he can find a liberal threat to the United States almost anywhere – and as in the case of George Carlin, he’s not afraid to do some digging.”

In a related story, the Fox News Channel has called a press conference for 11:00 a.m. EST tomorrow, where it is expected they will announce the fall launch of a new weekly one-hour series of exposés attacking the political views of such public figures such as Alec Baldwin, Susan Sarandon, and Paul Newman, among others.

http://thedesperateblogger.com/2010/02/fox...

from http://thedesperateblogger.com/2010/02/obs... /

Experts View Headline as Desperate Plea for Free Publicity

Gambling that a mountain of circumstantial evidence correctly leads to the conclusion that Sarah Palin’s name has never appeared in a headline that she didn’t like, and that the former Alaska Governor will publicly respond to any controversial or politically incorrect comment which allows her to portray either herself or her family as the victim(s), a chronically underemployed liberal New York blogger today stated publicly his opinion that “the woman is a retard”.

Responding to an article on Salon.com titled “Did ‘Family Guy’s’ Palin joke go too far?” the starving wannabe facing eviction wrote the following:

How about some consistency?

Anyone watching ‘Family Guy’ should know to be prepared for offensive material — they even include some in their commercials.

But I guess in Sarah’s Bubble, animated shows are ‘comedy’ while flesh and blood clowns like Limbaugh are ’satirists’.

As someone who immodestly considers himself the latter, and has also gone through life legally blind, I fully understand that every individual has a single line drawn where it best reflects their own values (and sensitivities).

Only hypocrites draw multiple lines and adjust their ’sensibilities’ according to their audience.

Sarah Palin’s child has, through no fault of his own, been dealt a bad hand and should never be the source of ridicule as a result

His mother, on the other hand, blows with the political wind in the room even on a subject so delicate and personal as her own child’s disability.

The woman is a retard…

—The Desperate Blogger

When reached for comment by one of the other voices in his head, The Desperate Blogger unapologetically offered the following (rambling) statement:

“First; I want to be clear that I believe the show ‘Family Guy’ often employs humor that is in poor taste and will offend many – that is why it has so many more viewers than it has people who acknowledge watching it…

Second; I myself am offended by any mocking of Governor Palin’s son Trig. Not only is he only 22 months old with Down Syndrome, but on top of that he must deal with the added pressure of mentoring a possible future President on matters pertaining to foreign relations…

Third; Barring the release of a medical diagnosis or I.Q. test results proving otherwise, Governor Palin has no mental ‘challenges’ or ‘disabilities’ that would justify her making statements indicating either that she does or she believes her audience must. So in her case, the word ‘retard’ constitutes more of an innocent colloquialism referring to ignorance than it does a mean-spirited, demeaning characterization…

Fourth; I realize that there is very strong evidence that Governor Palin is not a retard. Fox News doesn’t hire retards. They hire people like Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity. I fully acknowledge the possibility that Sarah Palin may, in fact, be as they are – a ‘Pied Piper’ of retards…

Finally, I realize the chances are very slim that Governor Palin will ever become aware of my comments. Even if she does, will she respond? Unlike the animated TV series she is currently sharing the headlines with, my blog is not (yet) a profit-center for the conglomerate that both pays her and gives her a forum. My only hope for getting any publicity out of this is that when it comes to making headlines, she is unable to distinguish between the benefits of ‘quality’ versus ‘quantity’ – in other words, that the woman is a retard…”

Will the controversy die here?

The ball is in ‘Sarah the retard’s’ court…

(Satire from http://thedesperateblogger.com/2010/02/sup... /)

In a controversial but predictable 5-4 ruling, the United States Supreme Court upheld a lower court ruling that as recognized legal entities, corporations may cast ballots in local, state, and federal elections. The landmark ruling follows closely on the heels of the Court’s recent ruling (by the same 5-4 majority) that corporations share the same rights of freedom of speech as individuals when it comes to supporting political candidates. In fact, the free-speech principal weighed prominently in this decision, in which the majority reasoned that voting is among the most sacred forms of freedom of expression.

Writing for the majority, Justice Clarence Thomas stated that, “Modern legal precedent would seem to affirm the corporation’s place as a legal entity with all of the rights, privileges and responsibilities of their flesh and blood counterparts, while 19th century precedent would support the apportionment of how their inherent suffrage rights may be exercised.” Under the ruling, corporations in existence for a minimum of eighteen years as of Election Day (the legal voting age for human citizens) would be entitled to one vote for each director and corporate officer, and three-fifths of one vote for each full-time worker.

Reaction on Capitol Hill was fiercely divided, as has become the norm, along party lines. While Democrats assailed the ruling as an attack on individual liberty, Republicans characterized it as a “victory for freedom of speech”. They also made the argument that corporate suffrage will spur job creation. House Majority Leader John Boehner, speaking to reporters outside a Cincinnati tanning salon offering a ‘President’s Day Special’, told reporters, “A serendipitous consequence of this landmark ruling is that it provides great incentives for job creation at no cost to taxpayers. The more people corporations hire, and the more part-time jobs that they turn into full-time jobs, the more votes they get. It’s a win-win.”

But in an occurence seldom seen in Washington, the ruling is also proving divisive along Chamber lines, where House Republicans are expected to join with Democrats in support of a measure which could force the High Court to revisit the parameters of corporate suffrage in the future.

At issue is where corporate votes will be cast. Language in the ruling issued today would suggest, but do not firmly state, that votes would be cast in the state of incorporation. Under the legislation proposed by Democrats however, corporations would be forced to cast their ballots “under the set forth rules of apportionment, but in proportion to the localities and states where the corresponding sub-entities are employed”. In other words, if 1,000 ’sub-entities’ (meaning ‘employees’ or ‘workers’) are employed in State ‘A’ and another 1,000 are employed in State ‘B’, the corporation would have 600 votes in each of those states, regardless of its state of incorporation. Several House Republicans expressed their willingness to “keep an open mind” with respect to the Democrats’ proposal after it was pointed out to them that the next time redistricting occurs, 213 of the 434 House seats not currently apportioned to Delaware (where many large companies incorporate for tax purposes,) would be moved there.

According to M. Eileen O’Sullivan, a Senior Policy Analyst with the Brookings Institution, House Republicans will most likely support the bill. “While they are philosophically opposed to the principles of the legislation and gastro-intestinally opposed to any measure likely to be supported by the President, they nonetheless will support this effort so that they may later use it as a prop they can point to in defense of attacks that they are overly partisan — all the while being secure in the knowledge that this bill will be as dead on arrival in the Senate as just about everything else the House has passed in the last year”.

(In a break from my usual satirical content, the following is a real news item)

On Monday February 15 in Madrid, Judge Baltasar Garzon will convene an investigation of War Crimes and Crimes Against Humanity allegedly committed by U.S. government officials and others during the Bush administration.

The first witness called to testify will reportedly be American international human rights lawyer Dr. William F. Pepper. Dr. Pepper, who for twenty years convened the International Human Rights Seminar at Oxford University, stated that he was, “asked by the Court to file an Opinion and testify as an expert on the issue of jurisdiction of the Spanish Court with respect to the various crimes being alleged.” He may also testify as to his opinion on the validity, or invalidity, of the most likely defenses to be offered by defendants should criminal charges result, namely ‘Sovereign Immunity’ and ‘Superior Orders’ (more commonly known as ‘The Nuremberg Defense’).

In his Opinion submitted to the Court last spring, Pepper concluded:



He further concluded that the Spanish Court, “is fully able and obligated …under international law and Universal Jurisdiction” to prosecute if the evidence indicates that prosecutions are legally justified.

Pepper, who in 2007 won the landmark case Nikbin v. the Islamic Republic of Iran in which — for the first time in U.S. history — a sovereign state, as opposed to individuals or government agencies, was held accountable for torture, is no stranger to controversial cases. A friend of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. in the last year of his life, Dr. Pepper went on to represent James Earl Ray in his quest for a new trial. After Ray’s death in 1997, he later represented the King family in the 1999 wrongful death civil suit King v. Jowers and Other Unknown Co-Conspirators. In that case, after a month-long trial in which over 70 witnesses testified, the jury found, after only 59 minutes of deliberation, that defendant Loyd Jowers and “others, including government agencies” participated in a conspiracy to assassinate Dr. King.

Dr. Pepper is expected to be followed to the witness-stand on Monday by two former Guantanamo detainees.

The investigation by the Spanish Magistrate is expected to last several months and include testimony from a number of victims, five of whom are Spanish citizens or residents who were allegedly detained and tortured. Judge Garzon’s inquiry will be the first, and perhaps only, formal examination of alleged criminal activity that could lead to a number of officials being charged with violations of the Geneva Conventions and the Convention Against Torture, both of which were signed by the United States and ratified by the U.S. Senate.

http://thedesperateblogger.com/2010/02/spa... /

According to sources close to the negotiations, former Alaska Governor and unlikely best-selling author Sarah Palin is close to reaching a deal that would make her the nation’s first-ever salaried Presidential candidate.

Stuart Grantcart, a socialist Obama administration mole planted inside FreedomWorks who spoke on condition of anonymity, confirmed that Palin’s representatives have had several meetings with FreedomWorks board members, most notably Chairman Dick Armey and Director Steve Forbes to hammer out a framework for a Palin 2012 candidacy that will reportedly pay the Alaskan gubernatorial resignee $3 to 5 million per year for her candidacy and any subsequent term in office. It has yet to be determined if a Palin bid would be as a Republican or third party candidate. One name that has come up during negotiations is the ‘Field Dressed Moose’ party.

Besides financial terms, there is also dispute over the role that might be played by former Alaska ‘First Dude’, oil rig worker and champion snow-machine racer Todd Palin. Mrs. Palin would like for him, as when she was Governor, to have no official position in her administration but still maintain control over all judicial and cabinet appointments.

When reached for comment, Mr. Forbes, noted publisher of Forbes magazine and two-time GOP Presidential candidate would neither confirm nor deny the story, saying only, “Getting an engaging, charismatic candidate for a few million dollars a year would be a much a better investment than either of my campaigns.”

Mr. Armey, the former House Majority Leader best known as the driving force behind both the mid-90s ‘Contract on America’ and the current ‘Tea Party Movement’, and who is widely hailed in his home state of Texas for not appearing on ‘Dancing with the Stars’, was more guarded in his comments, saying only that, “Sarah Palin represents mainstream American conservatism like few others, and if we at FreedomWorks can get her front and center delivering our message for only a few thousand per speech that would have to be something that we should consider.”

For her part, Mrs. Palin was less coy when asked about a potential deal, telling reporters outside a Neiman Marcus, “Well, right now I get $100,000 per speech. On the other hand, I never know how often I’ll be asked to speak. Presidential candidates make an average of, oh, about of five or six speeches per day I’d say. When you multiply that by the number of days in a year, that comes out to at least eight or nine hundred speeches. But I believe volume discounts have always been a cornerstone of American success, especially when, you know, you’re doing it for the good of our country.”

Slipping her shoes back on after completing the mathematical equation, she added, “I’m already on record as saying that I would certainly consider a run if I believe that is the right thing to do for our country and the Palin family. You betcha $5 million a year for the Palin family would certainly be a big first step in that direction.”


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