(satire from http://TheDesperateBlogger.com )

DOJ to Investigate ‘Domestic Terror’ Allegations

Washington, D.C. – Senator Richard Shelby (R-AL) has been placed on international ‘no-fly’ lists and the Justice Department has been asked to investigate the Senator for possible violations of the Patriot Act and related Federal laws.

The action follows Shelby’s blocking of all remaining nominees of President Obama who require Senate confirmation. Under Senate rules, none of the more than 70 nominations can move forward without a cloture vote (requiring 60 votes) in each individual case, or a lift on the blanket hold by Shelby. Under Marquess of Queensbury rules, as some Senate Democrats have proposed, Shelby and Presidential Aide Reggie Love could probably resolve the matter in less than twenty seconds.

Shelby placed the hold on the nominees over a dispute involving a Pentagon contract with Northrop Grumman for refueling tankers which the defense contractor would build in the Senator’s home state.

But according to Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, Shelby’s action “… may violate Section 802, Paragraph 5 of the Patriot Act, which defines what constitutes domestic terrorism”. The Secretary also told reporters that the case has been referred to the Justice Department for possible investigation.

Legal experts find it highly unlikely that Shelby will face criminal charges. The relevant portion of the Patriot Act mentioned by Napolitano reads:

(5) the term “domestic terrorism” means activities that—

(A) involve acts dangerous to human life that are a violation of the criminal laws of the United States or of any State;

(B) appear to be intended—

(i) to intimidate or coerce a civilian population;

(ii) to influence the policy of a government by intimidation or coercion; or

(iii) to affect the conduct of a government by mass destruction, assassination, or kidnapping; and

(C) occur primarily within the territorial jurisdiction of the United States.

Responding to accusations that he is using a dispute over a local matter to hold the Administration hostage, Shelby’s office released a statement reading; “The Senator, like so many of his Republican colleagues, embraces the President’s call for bipartisan solutions to our disputes, and also like his colleagues, believes the only solutions that could be acceptable on a bipartisan basis are those currently proposed by Republicans and many generous lobbyists, such as those currently representing Northrop Grumman.”

According to Constitutional Law Professor Kermit Guacamobile of Pueblo State University; “While the Senator’s actions are clearly intended ‘to influence the policy of a government by intimidation or coercion’, may arguably, directly or indirectly, ‘involve acts dangerous to human life’, and clearly violate laws of decency and what most would accept as ’street law’, it is doubtful that he has violated any laws of the United States or the District of Columbia — so criminal prosecution would seem highly unlikely. As for being placed on a ‘no-fly’ list, however, that’s a judgment call by the relevant agencies and is not subject to normal legal standards and protections.”

When asked about the prospect of the Department of Homeland Security reversing its decision and removing Senator Shelby from ‘no-fly’ and terrorist watch lists, Newton Toomey, a Department official who spoke on condition of anonymity, said, “Let him commute between Washington and Alabama in a Winnebago like every other guy his age.”