Why did Palin quit? If you know, then stop what you're doing, and call the first news channel you think of, and they will no doubt hire you as a political analyst, because nobody on earth can explain this decision. So, let's speculate. What are some possible reasons Sarah Palin resigned, er, "stepped aside" from the governorship?

1. She wants to start her own theme park: Sarahwood. The park will feature a rollercoaster with one giant free fall, and a helicopter ride that lets you shoot wolves from a safe distance. Bring the camera for when you reach the top of the Ferris wheel; you can see Russia.

2. She accepted a new, secret mission. And remember, Sarah declared that she was "wired in a way of being so committed to the mission, the mission that we're on, that you can't blink." So this new mission must not be the mission she accepted when she promised Alaska's voters to responsibly govern their state for four years. There must be a more important mission that now requires her attention. Perhaps Ahmadinejad wants a VP?

3. She needs a break. Remember that Sarah is a self-proclaimed "pit bull with lipstick," and pit bulls generally avoid confrontations and challenges.

4. She wants to spread Down syndrome. When, earlier today, Sarah expressed a desire for more "Trigs" in the world, I could not have agreed more, because Down syndrome is just too cute to be reserved for 1 in 800 births.

5. She's tired of being in the media. Sarah needs a break from the intense media spotlight that comes from governing one of the least populated states that sits several hundred miles from the continental US.

6. She wants to mourn Michael Jackson. Sarah's fond memories of learning the alphabet and her first few numbers from a famous Jackson 5 song left her very sad upon hearing the news of the King of Pop's untimely death. If only she heard the song before 2003.

7. She wants to become SNL's new Tina Fey. If Sarah can transition into comedy, maybe she could run for Minnesota senator one day.

8. She seeks solidarity with the 25 million unemployed Americans. What better way to show commitment to improving your country's economic woes by abandoning the post for which you were elected to write a book about yourself?

9. She got knocked up by A-Rod.

10. She's tired of people using her children as a political prop. In her speech, she complained of this very thing, and then went on to use this to justify her resignation, which is definitely not using her children as a prop.

So why did Palin quit? It had to be one of the above options, and definitely not something like an embezzlement scandal. I mean, to embezzle something, wouldn't you first have to be able to spell it?