Just to help make this difficult decision easier, I'd like to announce that I am another nobody who will "absolutely not" accept a VP slot under Barack Obama.

While I wholeheartedly support his campaign, I believe the people would prefer me to continue the futile pursuits of my boring, everyday existence. I don't want to let them down.

If asked, I will politely decline; if proposed to, I will not wed; if employed, I will try to get myself fired.

I don't know how much more or less entirely non-opaque I can be.

I will continue in my pathetic efforts to see Senator Obama win the election, but I feel it necessary to preemptively nix my nomination. I offer this refusal just in case the good Senator from Illinois considers nominating me based on my ability to flare my nostrils at will, stomp down a trash can that already seems to be filled, and talk a bank manager out of a bounced check fee by waving a completely unrelated utility bill while whining.

I urge other unworthy Americans to follow the example set by Governors Strickland and Warner, and myself, to help Senator Obama choose a running mate who is both willing to serve and not a total loser.

Thank you.