I have a job that is secure and the benefits are pretty good. The problem is I can't stand it. I don't like some of the people I work with. Sundays are tough days for me because I dread what tomorrow may bring.

BUT the thought of looking for another job or, worse, finding one is absolutely terrifying because it might actually turn out to be worse: less secure, worse people, worse benefits. Or I could be an optimist and say it could be much better but I can't because I am so not an optimist.

So what is a person to do? Stick with the job that is secure but dreaded in hopes that they might hire me in a higher position (after 7 or 8 tries with the organization I have never been offered anything but only get interviewed as a courtesy). And spend my life regretting all the things I didn't do and cursing my fate (even though it would actually be my fault for not even trying). But I would probably be safe from layoffs and no one would fire me when I got too old so they could hire someone younger and cheaper. And my job is not one that can be outsourced (yet-they might find a way!).

But that is just so incredibly passive. Well, my whole life is one of extreme passivity and fear of taking chances so nothing new there. Maybe fear of taking chances is why I am in this fix to begin with and I should turn over a new leaf. Take that leap.

I am so terrified of the future I can't even bring myself to think of it. Because the very thought of going somewhere else is very scary. Even though, paradoxically, I dream about the day I can finally say I quit. I compose my resignation letter in my head daily. And I am really, really looking forward to telling my coworkers to go fuck themselves as the very last thing I ever say to them. Not that I would say that but I really, really want to. I know I should be glad to have a job at all in my field. I know plenty of other people don't and are not as lucky as me in other ways too. But that doesn't really help. I never bought the whole "I should be grateful and happy because other people have it so much worse" thing anyway.

I worry so much about all of this and more. Don't even get me started on global warming. I don't know how people put things aside and not worry about them when they get home. I lie awake and worry about what may happen at work all the damn time. I can't stop it. The thoughts just chase each other around. Of course I am not happy unless I am worried about something- money, work, school, family, whatever.