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cliffordu's Journal
Posted by cliffordu in General Discussion
Wed Jun 01st 2011, 01:25 AM
some dude said he did.

I just really wanna know.
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Posted by cliffordu in General Discussion
Fri May 06th 2011, 04:26 PM
there might be something more to girls besides jump rope and good math skills.

The most beautiful woman in the world for me, for a long time.....
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Posted by cliffordu in General Discussion (1/22-2007 thru 12/14/2010)
Sat Jun 12th 2010, 02:28 AM
I know why I left her and the cats and the wood stove.

I know why I moved 350 miles south to an empty studio and a year long lease. 

I know why. 

Lenny Bruce said it:

"Intellectual awareness does no good…."

"You know your wife loves you, but find her fucking the mailman and your heart is still ripped out of your chest."

Only that isn't a direct quote and she didn't cheat.  

It would have been easier if she had fucked around.

There'd be a visible wound, a reason for leaving. A real consequence for an action taken. A tit for a tat.

As it is, there's nothing more than the malevolent detritus of inattention, the afterbirth of annoyances born and nursed for decades. 

****

It's the way she repeatedly scraped the ice-cream bowl. 

Or the way I imitated that cartoon voice she hates.

I did a dead on imitation. 

She enjoyed her ice cream immensely.

We'd grind our teeth and smile like the reaper.

I left because we were dying of petty resentment and boredom and the complete abdication of  joy….. 

I left because we both stopped trying.

***

In these flaccid, sleepless nights I practice taking responsibility for every fucking bit of it. 

I slowly confess every sin obscenely nuanced in slo-mo across this shadowed ceiling….

The pornography of self hatred:

I am the deadbeat, the weight she has to carry, the Identified Patient, the root and cause of the problems and heartbreaks.

The embarrassment when her friends ask what I do……

The soundtrack is a top 40 repeat of sweet phrases rendered to simmering malevolence and sarcasm, both of us tucked behind a thin veneer of the lovey-dovey, of the smile and smooch . 

Every passive-aggressive booby trap and gotcha double bind sweetly replayed from every angle for maximum penetration…

It's a snuff film starring love. Hacked to bloody pieces by a million tiny grievances….


****

For years we touched and pulled away fast,  before that stupid grandma kiss reached for something more,

something old and familiar but still electric…..maybe still erect, or wet……

What's left were dulled passions scooped out of ice cream cartons,

revealed in new guitar cases for a couple of minutes or hours,

then scuttled back to deep silent longings. To loss. To exhaustion.


Marriage as a stupor held fast by the monotonous drone of television…

'So you think you can dance',

' House', 

'American Idol'…..

The drug of choice for the stifling, suffocating inertia of complete surrender.

***

It's a week on and I have yet to eat a meal in my new, empty apartment.

I abandoned a full shopping cart this morning, unable to bear the weight of cooking for just myself. 


****

There are people in this world who know nothing about making marriage last and everything about bitter, acrimonious divorce

I imagine they flock to her aid, handing out man-hating/ mentally-ill hating-put them-all-on-the-street advice: 

"You can't change what's wrong with him. You cannot help him. You have to let him go"

"You cannot let him take you down with him....you have to detach now that he's acted out……"

"You have to protect yourself."

"You've gone to hell for him, don't go to hell with him..."

"You can do better"

And on and on and on.


****

More than one have axes to grind and there will be bloody sacrifice made, no matter who pays the freight.

They'll hurt her worse than I did to prove their bitter theories on men and women and marriage and divorce.

****

We need help, but tough love and meetings won't fix this little problem. No one alive knows what will.


****

On the phone she said:

"If I'm sick it's because I've been living with an Identified Patient - a severely mentally ill person"

She stopped short when I reminded her that I had been living with a mentally ill person, too………

****

She still believes I caused the problems because the doctors and everyone else told her I caused the problems.

I believe I caused her problems because I am the Good Patient.  The Identified Patient.

I must take the blame. It is my solemn duty. It is my Destiny.

****

About that Intellectual Awareness:

In reality we both caused the problem.

And systematically ignored hers. 

And lost our way.

****

But still:

I am the son of a bitch. The bad guy. The scapegoat.

I'm cool with that, I know the hood. It's how I roll.

But I ain't dead yet.

What I am now is

Gone. 

The Patient escaped.  He's on the loose…..  

Which begs the question:

Who will we blame now?
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Posted by cliffordu in General Discussion (1/22-2007 thru 12/14/2010)
Tue Dec 01st 2009, 11:54 PM
He understands there is no quick fix. And no walking away from something we helped completely fuck up.

He is willing to do this difficult thing. Or at least try.

+++++++++++++++


I think it's too late, though. I think we are too far down the extremist partisan shithole (on both sides of the isle) to recover any decent sense of national self, any healthy national identity.

Too far gone to understand when some sacrifice is necessary, some commitments need to be fulfilled, and there are places and situations in this world that cannot be taken back to Customer Service for a refund like a pair of jeans that makes our ass look big.


This is a crying shame as far as I'm concerned: In spite of one year of his best effort to stop a worldwide financial collapse, extract us from Iraq, and now finish the job - yes I said it - by giving the country we've been tearing apart for 8 years JUST two years of real effort towards some kind of stability, some kind of future without becoming a total narco state, or another Somalia, that he is reviled like the men that started this fucked, fucking adventure.

It's disgusting.


Let's get something straight:

I hate this war. I hate these fucking wars with the same fury I that hated the war in VietNam.

I know what the price is for these kinds of adventures. But I know the prices others will pay if we just walk away, too.


I hate this war but I cannot advocate leaving these people to their own devices after COMPLETELY destroying their 9th century infrastructure.

And that is the ONLY reason I back the President in this. We have to leave them something other than weapons and the greatest narcotics business in the world.

+++++++

If we turn our backs on what we allowed to fester in place for 8 years, if we walk away without at least TRYING to set right what the NEOCONS 'achieved', then there is little hope for us, I think.

It means that we have no more honor, we have no business in the affairs of the world of any import. That our word is no fucking good.

I would hope that at this late date we are better than that, that some things are worth the debt, the effort, the blood. That maybe we CAN leave things better than the NEOCONS left them when they left town in the middle of the night like the sociopathic carpetbaggers they are.

We, as Democrats, are supposed to be different than that.

++++++++++++++


This latest gambit will likely fail. Afghanistan is by all available evidence the Sword of Damocles wrapped in a Gordian knot.

We as a country are too broke, and as a people are unwilling to serve any interest but our own, most of the time.

But we do have to TRY to set this right. We have to.

Or the sacrifice of every soldier who died is a waste, every civilian in Afghanistan who believed in us has to become an acceptable casualty when we are gone.

And that we are not to be trusted to serve any interest but our own capricious adventures, Our own immediate self interest.

Even at this late date I cannot believe that is we have degenerated that far.

And if we have, we are just like the fucking NEOCONS:

We'll fuck your shit up and then leave town. Just like they did with the economy, New Orleans, both Iraq and Afghanistan.







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Posted by cliffordu in General Discussion (1/22-2007 thru 12/14/2010)
Sun May 31st 2009, 05:07 PM
wartime???

How come they didn't include rendition and torture as OK thingys, after all, the British Ter'rists were an occupying force in this country and THEIR penalty for doing things like forming your own congress was punishable by death.....

The founders knew that and still guaranteed 10 essential rights for all citizens, british sympathisers or not.


Modern politicians are cowards compared to those folks.

Just sayin'

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Posted by cliffordu in General Discussion (1/22-2007 thru 12/14/2010)
Thu Mar 19th 2009, 11:45 PM

Out of all the people I ran with, for the 20 years I was out there I am the only one left.

Ruben shot dead at 17 over some smack deal gone bad while his girlfriend watched in 1969..

Jerry OD'ed in 1970.

Danny D suicide in 74.

Corey doing life without parole for murder, a drug deal gone bad.

John Henry found dead in the bathroom of the Mount Hood lodge where he was on a break from playing music for a wedding reception..1982

Steve found sitting in a chair with a needle still in his arm....1983.

Mac dead of cirrosis 1983.

Paul drug a barbecue into his front room and smoked himself to death rather than go back to the joint. 1985...

I sobered up because it wasn't killing me fast enough and nothing I took could kill the pain of being alive with the knowlege of what I turned into.

If you are struggling with it, know you aren't alone.

90 meetings in 90 days

Get a sponsor, work the steps,

That's all I know.

Cheers.
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Posted by cliffordu in General Discussion: Presidential (Through Nov 2009)
Mon Feb 23rd 2009, 05:25 PM
Mr.Shelby

I think your comments about The President of the United States of America implying his place of birth was not Hawaii makes you a traitor, pure and simple.

After all, we're to support our President in wartime, are we not?

I cannot figure out if it is simply un-Chirstain racism, or the hatred you must feel of a man who has eclipsed your whole career and place in history in his first 100 days in office.

Maybe it's just the fear that your "Conservative Values" are being explosed for the sham philosophy and the smoke and mirrors it really has become: What do conservatives really conserve, anymore???

Even though I live on the other side of the nation, you can be sure that in the next election I will send your opponent every dime I can legally send.

You, sir are not fit for the sacred trust bestowed on you by the people of your district.

Further, if you had any kind of honor as a man, you would make a public apology to the President and offer to stand at his side while you make that apology.

Being a political foe is one thing. To cast an aspertion like this is beyond the pale for even a Klansman, let alone a US Senator.
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Posted by cliffordu in General Discussion (1/22-2007 thru 12/14/2010)
Mon Feb 16th 2009, 12:46 AM
Source: Earth Times

Berlin - A computer virus which has already hit defence computers in Britain and France has spread to German military systems, the Defence Ministry in Berlin said Saturday. The Conficker computer worm has exasperated computer users right around the globe in recent weeks, but security-conscious military users had been thought to be better prepared to repel it. The spokesman said several German armed forces sites had to be disconnected from the military network after hundreds of computers were taken over by Conficker. However, no other disruptions were reported. He said army computer recovery specialists and a private company were ridding the computers of the virus. France suffered a military outage from the worm in mid-January. Britain's Defence Ministry has also admitted problems with it. Microsoft has posted a reward of 250,000 dollars for the capture of the person who spread the virus, which takes over Windows operating systems, attempts to crack passwords and downloads malware from the internet.




http://www.earthtimes.org/articles/show/25...


I hope this is the worm that shuts down Microsoft for good.
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Posted by cliffordu in General Discussion: Presidential (Through Nov 2009)
Thu Dec 18th 2008, 01:52 AM
a little fake prayer invocation thingy???


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Posted by cliffordu in General Discussion (1/22-2007 thru 12/14/2010)
Sun Nov 23rd 2008, 08:24 PM
Here are the photos of the re-creation by the secret service of the motorcade route and the view through the scope on the rifle Oswald was supposed to have used.

If he shot Kennedy, he took the worst possible shot.

He had at least three EASY kill shots as the limo came towards him and slowed to take the corner.....two of those shots were easy without a scope.

http://www.maryferrell.org/wiki/index.php/...

Check out "Scope 4 Scope 5 and Scope 6"

As way of expertise on the subject, I give you a couple photos of the very tower where I spent my tour in Vietnam. It is almost 40 feet tall.







Oswald was 20 0r 30 feet above that. The distance through the scope of the places where Kennedy was actually hit were extremely difficult shots, particularly on a moving target. And after the first shot, an accelerating target.

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Posted by cliffordu in General Discussion: Presidential (Through Nov 2009)
Tue Nov 04th 2008, 03:59 PM

The Rev. Sun Yung Moon....

Scott L. Wheeler is the executive director.....


http://www.sourcewatch.org/index.php?title...

Just so you know who needs to go to Guantanamo....
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Posted by cliffordu in General Discussion: Presidential (Through Nov 2009)
Sun Oct 26th 2008, 10:40 PM
Keyboard rangers will be MIA on the streets...while
a million patriots' ghosts rise
from silent graves in Normandy
and bittersweet rows of Arlington.
They bear silent witness to the death of Democracy;

Their tears stain bloody gutters, where Liberty
lies, torn asunder by greed and sloth, handmaidens to
fascism.....

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Posted by cliffordu in General Discussion: Presidential (Through Nov 2009)
Sat Oct 04th 2008, 09:19 PM
I laid a soldier to rest yesterday, a fine man and a warrior.

George Yakush was his name. He flew medivac missions with the 237th Medical Detachment on the DMZ in Vietnam.

He was a better human being than John McCain ever was, is, or ever will be.

George never lied about anything as far as I know, and would never have used the scumsucking tactics the

Republican candidate - the "war hero" - uses daily with such a casual, purposed hatred.

Even when the cancer was eating George alive he displayed the same courage and grace he showed while flying into some of the worst shitholes in all of Vietnam. Unarmed.

Agent Orange poisoning. It was fast and terrible. He never complained, never used his military service to gain favor or attention.

***

The service was sad and moving and beautiful.

Because of the number of funerals for older vets, funerals are not held at the gravesites in the Tahoma cemetary-- too many folks walking all over the immaculate lawns.

George was actually interred last week, the service was held yesterday in a small open sided shelter a few dozen yards from the actual grave.

I have never been in a military cemetery that big before - it's massive - a hundred and fifty acres - we needed a map to find the little shelter where the service was held.

Large groves of trees divide the twenty thousand headstones into what seems like a dozen smaller, more intimate graveyards....it looked like a small town country cemetery once we got out of the car.

The ceremony was slow, professional, loving. A short eulogy, a 21 gun salute shattering the silence, the flag folded into an impossibly tight triangle, three expended shells tucked deep into the folds.

It was presented to his mother by an officer on bended knee; all of it preformed with the reverence and solemn respect and that George earned every time he flew for the wounded. A promise kept.

The bugler played "taps" to end the service. The event went from private and personal into archetype......

And I know it sounds stupid or soft or trite, but it broke my heart. And healed it at the same instant.

I stood for my brother in arms, then. Grateful for knowing him, honored by his friendship.

It rained the whole time we were there. A soft, steady, windless rain that seemed the only perfect weather for what we were doing.


***

This morning I read about the latest attack on Obama by the McCain camp.

McCain is a fucking coward and a traitor to men like George.

He is not worthy of burial in the same hallowed ground where so many honorable men and women rest.

He is a disgrace.





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Posted by cliffordu in General Discussion (1/22-2007 thru 12/14/2010)
Fri Jul 18th 2008, 01:00 PM


"Given all the news coverage about the rise of the Chinese economy, you could be forgiven for thinking that the world's most populous country is hogging all the world's resources, while the developed nations are fighting for scraps.

But, at least with transportation fuel, you'd be wrong. California alone uses more gasoline than any country in the world (except the US as a whole, of course). That means California's 20 billion gallon gasoline and diesel habit is greater than China's! (Or Russia's. Or India's. Or Brazil's. Or Germany's.)"

More here:

http://blog.wired.com/wiredscience/2008/07...
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