Edmund Hillary has just died, having spent the majority of his life being known as the guy who got to the top of a really, really, really tall mountain first.

Seeing his name in the obituaries reminded me of something I wrote back in 1999 after climbers discovered the very well-preserved body of an earlier climber, George Mallory, whose claim to fame was the phrase "Because it's there."

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Because It's There...???

This week, a research team made an amazing discovery on Mount Everest. While searching for clues as to the fate of two early explorers, George Mallory and Sandy Irvine, the climbers were startled to discover at 27,000 feet a body, perfectly preserved by the dry winds and cold temperatures. They were even more astonished and delighted when an examination of the body proved beyond a shadow of a doubt the identity of the brave climber:

Jimmy Hoffa.

But after they wiped a bit more snow off the corpse, they discovered it was really George Mallory. Mallory, who died trying to reach the summit of Mount Everest in 1924, is best noted for his answer to the question, "Why are you trying to climb that mountain?"

Mallory's response? "Because it's there."

Few people know that Mallory also gave this same answer when asked, "Why are you staring at my wife's butt?" at a fancy dinner party three weeks earlier (Mallory had a few too many).

As far as Everest goes, however, I think Mallory should have had a better reason for going. There are plenty of things to climb than the world's tallest peak, many much closer to home. If it was the thrill of the conditions that appealed to him, he would've been just as happy to walk to the top of the Sears Tower naked, in winter with all the windows open, carrying a hundred pounds of ice bags. Unfortunately, the Sears Tower did not complete construction until 1973 and Mallory didn't feel like waiting. This is a pity because when he got too tired carrying all that equipment, he could have always rode the elevator down.

I remember watching a PBS program where yet another group of scientists was trying to discover the fate of yet another expedition. This mission focused on some sailors near the Arctic Circle who all died under suspicious circumstances. The scientists found the centuries-old graves of these early adventurers and did autopsies on the surprisingly well-preserved bodies. Poison was discovered in the stomachs, which the scientists believed came from the lining of the cans in which the sailors' food was packed. However, the scientists also discovered that most of the sailors died long before the poison would have taken affect. Apparently they had killed each other over whose turn it was to lick the icing off the spoon. Scientists are reasonably sure of this since one of the bodies had chocolate on its lips and a rubber spatula sticking out of its head.

In both of these archaeological digs, after the bodies were exhumed and examined, the scientists had a little memorial service and re-buried the bodies where they were found. In Mallory's case, this was done per his "family's wishes." This in direct contrast to scientific methods used in other areas of the world. In Egypt, mummies are yanked from tombs and exhibited in museums; and in Southern California, according to the classic documentary film Poltergeist, graves are allowed to spill open and shoot their contents at passing pedestrians.

So, at what point is a human body no longer subject to the wishes of family members? At what point does a person go from "Grampa" to "Please Don't Use Flash Photography"? Archeology needs rigidly defined parameters for how much time must elapse before human remains can be exploited for commercial gain. I say one hundred years should suffice, but only because it is a nice, round number and easy to remember. Of course, there should be exceptions to this rule, such as if the body being found would be really neat to look at. Like Mallory, for example, or even Lincoln. Clearly, we have waited long enough to open Lincoln's coffin and see what's inside.

Purely for scientific reasons, of course.

...with his wife, singing a song about green cards. Apparently, after driving past a road crew with some Hispanic males working in it, they spent the remaining time in the car coming up with hilarious lyrics about illegal immigrants set to the tune of Feliz Navidad.

Having learned from previous bitter experience that it was pointless to try for anything like a civilized debate with my uncle (he once told me that gays had no right to marry but interracial couples could because those couples were “people”), I had no intention of calling him out for his tasteless behavior. He must have seen the look on my face, however, so he insisted on discussing his views on immigration. Sadly, like many bigots, he used this election cycle’s GOP Fear Tactic® of “illegal immigration” to mask his latent contempt for all immigrants (at least the brown ones- legal or otherwise). During the course of his tirade, ostensibly against those who enter our country illegally, he mentioned his hatred of government forms and retail products with both English and Spanish text, immigrants who took jobs from “real Americans” and how his taxes were being wasted on social programs used by immigrants.

Personally, I try never to interrupt anyone, regardless of the provocation, even if they constantly interrupt me; first, it is rude, and second, it drives home the point that his argument is probably not that convincing if he refuses to let anyone else get a word in edgewise. Despite my uncle’s constant interruptions (and his wife telling him to shut up and let me speak), I was able to explain to him that new immigrants often need some help acclimating to our society and multi-language labels and forms were a small price to pay; that most or all the “good jobs” the Hispanic immigrants (deep down, I knew that Mexicans were all he was concerned about) are taking in our particular area are lowly kitchen, janitorial and fruit-picking jobs; and that everyone at some point gets something from the government, pointing out that, as a Veteran, he received 100% free healthcare which was paid for entirely by taxes. Using his argument, I asked him if people who do not qualify for government coverage should resent their taxes going for his personal healthcare.

At this point, he slapped his hand hard on the table, mumbled something under his breath and left me alone with my aunt who apologized for his behavior. She and I talked about immigration for a little while longer until I had to leave to pick up my son from preschool. At this point, my uncle came out of his office and started to harangue me about just why he deserved his free healthcare, how he spent eight goddamned years in the navy, how he had to hold a (whatever rifle they issued naval officers at the time) in Saudi Arabia guarding against Shiites who wanted to kill him and HOW DARE I question his service to this country and just how stupid liberals like me were, etc.

I walked past him half-blocking the exit, hoping to be able to control my own temper while he was yelling at me. Unfortunately, I eventually snapped, not only calling him prejudiced but extremely selfish and that all he cared for was himself, all while we were walking to our cars.

As I later explained to my father (who runs the company for which my uncle and I work) I never even wanted to talk to my uncle in the first place, let alone have the whole thing disintegrate into an ugly shouting match at the end. Frankly, I could have said a lot more to my uncle at the time but knew it just was not worth it, since my uncle thrives on conflict.

I do not feel bad about what I said, but I am ashamed at myself for losing control. What is it with these goddamned conservative Republicans (yes, my bigot uncle is one of Bush’s 28-ers) that they cannot have any debate on any issue without turning the whole thing into a perceived attack on their personal integrity while simultaneously bringing out the worst in their opponents?

“The GOP- Bringing out the worst in people since 1854.”

Shortly after Bush got elected for 'real' in 2004, I wrote the following; it looks like I missed the timeframe for the draft by just a few years:

UNIVERSE IN DANGER, JESUS IN HIDING

VALHALLA, ASGARD: In a stunning report issued Thursday, the Norse Gods, selected as spokes-deities by a hastily-called assembly of supreme beings culled from every major world religion, warned that the Karma of the Universe is dangerously out of balance. They report that unless something is done, a cataclysm will ensue, dooming all life throughout the Cosmos.

As most Buddhists and Hindus are well aware, Karma is that force in the Universe that keeps things fair. It is the wheel of fate that spins in an endless cycle, making sure all good deeds eventually get rewarded, and that no evil thought goes unpunished. Karma is an essential building block of the Universe, as important to keeping planets in order as the forces of gravity, magnetism and inertia.

"When even a small amount of Karma is out of balance, the destructive force released is potentially as destructive as an atomic bomb," explained Bragi, Herald of Odin, "And the incredible disturbance of last week's election of George W. Bush to the Presidency of the United States has shaken the foundations of the cosmos. Right now, unimaginable light-years away from Earth, there are planets reeling from floods, earthquakes and volcanoes as a result of this base Republican chicanery."

Bragi confirmed what Washington insiders have long suspected: Bush and his cronies, desperate to ensure their stranglehold on the United States, entered into a pact with the major evil spirits from every significant religion and theology throughout the world including Satan, Iblis, Loki and Hades. Hedging their bets, the Bush administration even scoured the literary world for help, enlisting support from such famous demons as Morgoth and Sauron from J.R.R.Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings, as well as lesser-known beings such as Crom, the obscure Cimmerian underworld lord of Conan the Barbarian.

"The sheer mythological power pulled from such huge reservoirs of pure evil, as well as the incredibly unfair miscarriage of justice that was the 2004 election, has shifted the universal balance of Karma," continued Bragi. "It has sent massive waves of pure destructive force coursing throughout the known dimensions. Even Asgard, Home of the Gods, has suffered. Yggdrasil, the World Tree, has burst into flames, perhaps in protest of the anticipated massive logging soon to be done in formerly protected regions of North America."

The Norse Pantheon of Gods, after consulting with all the other gods in Creation, decided that to repair this rip in the very fabric of space and time, a huge blast of pure, wholesome Karma must be unleashed. Following days of intense, focused prayer and the reading of goat entrails, they have decreed that during next year's anticipated Military Draft, only those who voted for George W. Bush in 2004, or who otherwise aided in his election, would be selected for service.

Norse God Forseti, instrumental in scheduling the Karmic-realignment policy, was visibly pleased by the decision. "The last four years have been very difficult for me," he said, "No mortal can fathom how horrible it has been for me, God of Justice, to watch the Bush Administration lie to the public, cheat the poorer citizens by granting huge tax cuts for the very rich, illegally redistrict states to cement Republican power lines as well as a host of other governmental misdeeds and yet never get punished."

"It's payback time, bitches!" he added.

Per the Norse God plan, the order in which people will be drafted for the coming wars of conquest will be as follows:

1) All those of draft age who failed to cast any vote during the election.
2) All those of draft age who voted for Bush in 2004.
3) All those of draft age whose parents voted for Bush in 2004.

The only ones guaranteed not to be called for duty will be those who voted for Democratic challenger John Kerry, provided their parents also voted for him. In addition, as always, all the children of those serving in Congress will be spared induction.

"It is beyond even the will of the Gods to make a Congressman's child serve in the Military," expressed Forseti bitterly.

However this time, so members of Congress may save face with the parents of those who will die in next year's wars, a separate but politically equal new branch of the armed services will be created exclusively for Congressional progeny. Tentatively named the "Republican Guard", sons and daughters of those serving in Congress will be sent to special camps where they will serve their country by spending their days on sunny beaches, drinking only the coldest and finest of beers, while their evenings will be filled with grueling maneuvers performed in shopping malls and dance clubs. After two years of service, all recruits will be granted an "Honorable Discharge" proving their service to their country. When it is their turn to run for political office, these ex-Guardsmen will have a ready excuse if any of them have to run against veterans of Bush's wars who actually saw combat, assuming there are any survivors.

The Norse God draft plan has its critics, most notably several prominent Conservatives who have questioned the validity of the pronouncements of this particular group of Gods, claiming only Jesus Christ or His Father has any authority to decide heavenly matters.

Bragi countered by stating the Norse Gods have the full support of both the Christian and the Muslim deities, and that neither group wanted to get involved because they knew whatever they said would be misinterpreted yet again.

"Quite frankly, they're all sick of it," said Bragi, "After 9/11, Allah sequestered himself in the Mosque he maintains in his section of Heaven. In the days immediately following the attack, he tried consoling himself with forty-six brown-eyed virgins, but it wasn't enough to raise his spirits, he was that devastated by all the carnage occurring in his name. Likewise, after last week's election when the religious fundamentalists seized even more power by bastardizing His teachings, Jesus Christ locked Himself in His room, refusing to come out."

Bragi shook his head sadly.

"He's been in there ever since. We can hear Him crying and eating ice cream."

Evil Kumquat

WASHINGTON, DC: A national caucus of Republican leaders has announced plans to actively discriminate against the obese within twenty years. This is in response to the widely accepted fact that mainstream America does not allow open prejudice against any ethnic, racial or sexual group within fifty years after those under attack become organized.

“Bigotry against our current scapegoat, homosexuals, is running thin,” said Republican National Chairman Ken Mehlman at a press conference announcing the new party policy. “While we have had plenty of success against the gays in several states where we passed laws outlawing same-sex marriage, the writing is on the wall. Just like women and blacks before them, the gay lifestyle will soon be acceptable everywhere, not just in Massachusetts and San Francisco. As the ‘Party of Inclusion’, the GOP naturally needs people to persecute. So, anyone with a body mass index of 25 or more shall be targets during the next wave of Right Wing prejudice.”

Hoping to get a jump on things, Republican strategists are already working on legislation outlawing obese-owned businesses, disallowing “mixed” marriages of fat and skinny people and forcing those not already interned in fat camps to wear a yellow piggy face on the fronts of their jackets. Government produced propaganda films are also planned, showing how fat people are a burden on the state with their costly medical bills and insistence on Rascal lanes on city sidewalks.

The obese will also have their own shock word to be hurled at them by passing rednecks, surly cabdrivers and Ann Coulter. Per Mehlman: “We’ve had a lot of luck in the past with ‘broads’, ‘micks’, ‘chinks’, ‘heebs’, ‘niggers’ and ‘fags’. Right now, we’re working to find a good derogatory term for the fatties. So far, ‘fattog’ is getting the most support, because it sounds so much like ‘faggot’ that most of our base won’t need any training before it becomes a reflexive slur.” When a reporter armed with a laptop and wireless internet pointed out that a quick Google search found “fattog” was already a Norwegian word meaning “to perceive or understand”, and that such a slur would therefore be saturated with irony if used for such small-minded hatred, Mehlman scoffed and declared that researching other cultures before establishing policy was for Liberals and Democrats.

When asked about reports of existing discrimination already experienced by the obese, including narrow supermarket aisles, off the rack clothing that stops at XXXL and under-representation in television and film, Mehlman replied, “See? That’s why it’s so perfect. There already exists an infrastructure we can build on. This will save a lot of time. Heck, I’ve heard {noted homophobe and closet gay} Fred Phelps has already registered godhatesfat.com!”

Echoing their views on the environment, noted hyperobese conservatives Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Dennis Hastert, Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh are already rationalizing their hypocrisy by arguing each of them will likely be long dead by 2030.

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