Apr 1st, 2008

Clinton campaign buoyed by new numbers

RALEIGH, SC -- The Clinton campaign today cited new numbers for pledged delegate and popular vote counts that they believe will have a significant impact on the race for the Democratic nomination.

"We're very encouraged by the new numbers we're seeing," said Clinton chief strategist and pollster Mark Penn. "Especially promising are threeve and sixen, but elevion, hundrety and twillion have some real potential for helping us win the popular vote."

"The finance committee has been using numbers like this for months and they're very happy with the results," said Penn. Penn, whose salary is reported to be florpteen kajillion dollars a month, dismissed more "traditional" numbers as having a strong anti-Clinton bias.

Penn said that many of the new numbers will only function in large primary states (excluding Illinois, Virginia or Texas) while others are specifically tailored for counting angry white women over 60.


Clinton campaign strategist Mark Penn,
shown here cleaning his fingers after
pulling out the latest polling numbers.

Experts agree that this is a natural extension for the Clintons, who are already considered pioneers in the area of political parsing and word redefinition.

"What Bill did for the word 'is', Hillary is doing for 'more' and 'less' and 'zero chance whatsoever'," said Penn, pointing to a new tracking poll in which Senator Clinton was leading boogeda-boogeda-boogeda to SCREEEEEE.