At 3pm today, pResident Bush signed an executive order placing the United States on the Metric System.

This order calls for all measuring tools to be converted to metric within 90 days. All road signs will be updated with metric measurements. All citizens are to surrender their traditional measuring devices to their local police departments and replace them with metric devices within 30 days. Over 300 new prisons will be constructed to house Measurement Offense violators.

According to White House press secretary Tony Snow, even more far-reaching changes are soon to take place. "We think old habits die hard, and we'll have to jail millions for the felony of measuring in feet and inches. So we legalized marijuana and turned all the Marijuana Criminals loose. They're still going to hell, but we need their beds right away."

When asked why the change was made so suddenly, Snow became defensive. "The pResident found out that the German chancellor's penis is bigger than his is. So now we're on the metric system, and the pResident has a solid seven and a half. Take that, you lousy quiche-eating foreigner!"

German Chancellor Angela Merkel, when told of this monumental change, said, "I think pResident Bush's manhood is longer than mine, but..." (holds fingers three inches apart) "a penis seven and a half centimeters long? Daaaaaamn..."