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orleans's Journal
Posted by orleans in The DU Lounge
Sat Oct 08th 2011, 11:55 PM
ghosty, cool video, lyrics bring back memories of the sweetness of childhood
check it out
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Posted by orleans in The DU Lounge
Sun May 29th 2011, 04:31 AM
i'd love to go back and do it all again. even the rough parts.
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Posted by orleans in General Discussion
Sat May 21st 2011, 01:54 AM
i saw there are only 19 subscribers on du3 and i would hate to see it go.

that little group has helped me get through the most difficult time of my life--for the past year and a half. i have gone there and read the posts, posted quite a bit myself, sobbed while posting and reading what other had written--it has been an amazing place with amazing people that have seen me at my lowest of lows, and their caring, sympathetic voices have been a source of tremendous support and encouragement

it might not be that "popular" of a group--and, in a sense that's a good thing--but for some of us it has been a source of comfort in our darkest hours, weeks, months, and years after experiencing the passing of a cherished and loved one.

i was so glad to have found it when i needed it. i'm grateful there is such a place and please don't let it disappear.

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Posted by orleans in General Discussion
Tue May 10th 2011, 01:50 AM
the hardest thing is having to say goodbye -- for now

i believe you'll be together again, as i believe you will with everyone you love. it's the love that keeps us connected, and sadly, sometimes it's the only thing we have left to hold on to.

i went through something very similar with my beautiful friend.

i'm really sorry to hear about this. you were fortunate to have each other.
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Posted by orleans in General Discussion
Mon May 09th 2011, 02:57 AM
my strength
my courage
my dearest friend

i am still heartbroken

i miss you beyond words
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Posted by orleans in General Discussion
Sun Apr 24th 2011, 10:12 PM

(that's my leaning, as was my mother's and grandmother's)
--btw--i've been self-censoring, to a degree, for years. but i've written some things in the bereavement forum that include various "signs" from my mother since she crossed over.
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Posted by orleans in The DU Lounge
Sat Mar 19th 2011, 02:25 AM
while i know kids say crazy things sometimes i don't think this is necessarily the case with the kid you refer to (when my daughter was little she told people she hadn't had a bath in a year! i was horrified--but it was probably a combination of the fact that little kids don't have a grasp on time and my mother's sense of humor -- i can just imagine my mom making a comment like "you need a bath tonight; you haven't had one for a year!" hahaha)

i remember my daughter's grade school had a program that did a secret santa for anyone who was interested in helping out the needy families. i don't remember how they set it up exactly--i'm not sure if we were given a list with code numbers on it or if we took a little paper note (like a star or something) off a giving tree and each star had a code number. when we bought the present we had to put the code on it that matched up with the item--which let the school know which family it was for. and whether it was for a boy or girl.

it was a really nice program.

maybe you could start up some similar program at your school--something about sponsoring a family/kid/classmate, etc. a couple times a year, or on a monthly basis--something.
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Posted by orleans in Bereavement Group
Wed Mar 16th 2011, 02:44 AM
i admit i check this forum/group every time i come onto du--which is pretty much every day.

and every time i come here i wonder how everyone is.

i guess i'm doing okay. or at least better than i've been. i'm not sure what changed or when it changed but the hysterics haven't hit me for awhile now.

i'm not saying i'm back to "normal" or anything--but i'm adapting to life and this house without the physical presence of my mom. this is my new "normal" (and i'd much prefer the old one, thank you very much).

and i suppose looking in from the outside i have become even more eccentric than i was a year and a half ago. i still talk to my mom--out loud--around the house, in the car, when i'm alone. sometimes my dog looks at me as if to say: "were you just talking to me? no, i guess not."

i keep a journal--(in a sense)-- i write to my mother. everything i write i say out loud and i imagine what she would say to me or how she would respond. i can hear her in my head.

i have pictures of her around the house--a picture of how she was the last year or so she was here; pictures of when she was a teenager and in her twenties/thirties. they are comforting to me. i don't feel so all alone.

i remember when my dad passed--years ago--i finally had to remove the picture we had of him in the living room. i told my mom every time i looked at it it made me so horribly sad. but, so far, the pictures of my mom are somewhat soothing, albeit bittersweet. my pretty mom.

i use the words and phrases she used--to connect with her. i keep the ritual of making coffee at dinner time--to stay connected with her. i walk past her bedroom and take note of the clothes she last wore, that i still have lying on her bed as if they are just waiting for her to step into. and every evening, when the sun sets, i go into her room and turn on her nightlight and each night before i go to bed i turn it off. and company is still not allowed to sit in her chair in the living room. the rituals, the connections, are still very important to me.

so often i would prefer to just hide here--keep the curtains closed and shut the world out and just... hide. the feeling isn't as extreme as it was, but it's still there.

i admit i haven't let her go. i've decided that as i slowly pick up my life and slowly move forward i'm taking her with me. four months into my new "normal" someone told me i *had* to let her go because she had things to do and accomplish where she was at. at first i felt terribly guilty--how selfish of me for not letting her go. but then i realized that *i* had always been her priority and that, in the scheme of things, she probably wouldn't mind waiting awhile before she got started on whatever else she needed to do.

when she passed i was never so bereft of joy in my life as i had been during those dark days. my goal--long term--is to start recapturing some of the joy in my life--and to make her a part of it. and i'm trying. i really am trying.

so, now that i've spilled a few of my secrets--how is everyone else doing?
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Posted by orleans in Astrology, Spirituality & Alternative Healing Group
Fri Feb 11th 2011, 12:37 AM
"The Sacred Promise Universe is within all of us. We have the answers to our deepest questions.

"In this community of information and inspiration, we use science as a window back and forth with spirit. We are in a remarkable and meaningful collaboration to discover truth, wherever it may take us.

this is a website of Dr. Gary Schwartz who has done some interesting studies/experiments pertaining to spirits and the after life.

he has a video up on this--i haven't watched it yet (i'm in the middle of working on something--but i just found it and i wanted to post this)

i think there was a segment about him on that "mediums: we talk to the dead" (or something like that) that the biography channel ran wednesday night. /

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Posted by orleans in The DU Lounge
Thu Feb 10th 2011, 03:12 AM
and the clackity clack sound his puppet beak made when he "talked"

lately my daughter said she thinks the reason i like playing backgammon so much is the the clacky sound the pieces make when you move them around and they hit each other.

it was a revelation! i told her she was probably right--that probably had something to do with the appeal of backgammon--and, after wondering what it stemmed from, i realized it all goes back to the sound garfield goose makes with his beak!

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Posted by orleans in General Discussion
Tue Feb 08th 2011, 02:52 AM
and i honored her wishes--

years ago she told me a couple times that if i ever had a funeral or wake for her she would come back and haunt me! lol!

i feel she's still around, close by and with me very often. not haunting but rather just hanging out with me. which suits me just fine. (i've never been big on goodbyes)

put your wishes in writing, give a copy to "next of kin" or whoever would be responsible for making decisions--and implore them to honor your wishes. then see what your state has to say about it legally.

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Posted by orleans in Bereavement Group
Tue Feb 01st 2011, 11:52 PM
we would sit in the living room
my mom in her chair
me on the couch

watching the news reports on this blizzard

"oh my god, look at that" she would have said as the news crews showed different shots all around the city

"listen to that wind!" she'd say

"maybe you should get a couple flashlights ready--just in case"

"go check the back door. you might have to get out there and shovel again."

"i hope the roof holds up"

"i hope that tree doesn't fall. i don't know what we'd do if that tree fell."

then, later,

"i'm gonna go in my room and turn on the radio for the news. i want to hear what's going on."

i'd feel safe with her here with me
i'd feel strong--my need to protect her

she'd tell me about a snowstorm when she was younger
we'd talk about a snowstorm when i was younger

she'd tell me to call my daughter and have her get some candles or flashlights ready--just in case. "and tell her, whatever she does--don't go out of the house!"

my mom--
how i wish she were here
to talk about this with me
to be wowed with me over it
to be the calm, practical voice
my mom--
i miss her company so much ...

i miss her so much tonight
i feel so alone in this historical snowstorm
i miss her so much.
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Posted by orleans in General Discussion
Sun Jan 30th 2011, 04:45 AM
although, from what i understand, many are in no hurry whatsoever to return.
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Posted by orleans in General Discussion
Sun Jan 30th 2011, 04:31 AM
it was the hardest thing i've ever done in my life--watching & waiting as my mom crossed over. it's been 13 months and i'm still hurting.

but DesertDiamond is right when she said love doesn't die and that people leave their bodies but they don't leave us.

i feel my mom's spirit around me so often--it's just difficult to navigate this physical separation period.

my heart goes out to you.
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Posted by orleans in The DU Lounge
Thu Jan 27th 2011, 03:03 AM
multi-colored bedding, an editable "hut" and some fiesta strawberry yogurt chips--they really like those.

my daughter has five mice. they are adorable.
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Not a DU Donor
21315 posts
Member since Fri Nov 26th 2004
blue in illinois
Dear Diary
i'm going to tell you all of my secrets. wait--this isn't a diary? it's a journal? in that case...never mind.
Dear Diary 3/14/06
what a day. bad stuff in the news. made me want to cry and throw up. but i didn't do either one. my head hurts. i promise i'll write faithfully every day.
Dear Diary 3/30/06
sorry i haven't written in so long. i've been too busy around the house. doing stuff. but from now on i promise to write every day. that's what a diary is for. right?
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