What the Hell Is Going to Happen in 2010?

"The second greatest minds of my generation have been destroyed by sanity!" -Jeff McDaniels

Confused.

This is a state where-by a Democrat is shocked that 50% of the nation can still self identify with an opposition party that insists on only representing the top 1% of the population.

Baffled.

This is a state where-by a Democrat is confused by why his/her party still gives the opposition the time of day based on past treatment, their association with nut jobs and drug addicts, and their non-existent sense of humor or fair play.

Despondent

This is a state where-by a Democrat is so overwhelmed by bafflement that all they can do all day is avoid politics, lose touch with their party, and only wake up again when the United States has invaded...I dunno...Antarctica because of its overt neutrality.

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I've discovered the universal question posed by every mature thinking human since the conception of mature thinking humans. Are you ready?

"What is this world coming to?"

Surprised? I was too when I realized it. I always thought the universal question was something like, "How did we get here?" or "Can I ask you a question?" or perhaps, "Does this (article of clothing) make me look fat?". But I'm no different from anyone else (except for the fact that I'm immortal...that's a whole different article).

I live in Seattle. After the WTO riots (Remember those? Seattle became a 4 day war zone in 2000. Ahh, the cold kiss of billy club mixed with the burn of tear gas...those were the days I tells ya...) the city of Seattle banned the use of gas masks by civilians. "If it weren't for gas masks we wouldn't have lost control of the situation." they say. I TOTALLY agree. If the police could have seen out of their gas masks at who they were shooting tazers and bean bags at then it would have been a peace protest as planned and not a pissed off burning looting cluster-fuck.

The EPA is trying to lower the air standards so that the poor ailing corporate sector can afford to compete against those big bad companies in China that don't have to worry about all of those pesky kids within five miles of their plant that are being born with no brain and lobster claws for feet. But its not about them. It's all about me and my personal environmental policy, which goes something like this:

Article 4, paragraph 8 of "Politicaholic's Environ-mentally Challenged Policy For Clean Air and Tasty Water That Doesn't Come Out of Those Dumb Plastic Bottles" - Hereforth and forthwith it shall be decreed that all corporate emissions into the air shall be limited to bakeries only...because they just make the world smell better.

How the hell am I supposed to breath? Now I'm supposed to wear one of those flimsy white SARS blockers when it starts raining brown sludge and the air has it's own SPF? I lived in London in the '80s. The air was so polluted that I would Q-tip black soot out of my ears...for reals! It was disturbing. It didn't stop me from smoking though. I wasn't the smartest person in the world back then...not like now...ahem.

In conclusion, it's also very unsexy to weez during intercourse. The EPA should really take that into account. That is all.

Its the beginning of the 21st century. Really. How can you tell? You're reading this on a computer. Other than that the United States seems to be in some horrible sci-fi time shifting state of mass confusion. Bell-bottoms are being worn with flannel shirts. In urban areas small dogs are more an accessory than a companion or food. Cars the size of four refridgerators duct-taped together (and shaped much the same) are called "hybrids" making me think, 'hybrid of what? A humpback whale? Mothra? A plus sized opera singer sans the horned helmet? What?". All I know is that history is repeating itself all at once like taking a big jumble of stuff that happened and shoving it all through a funnel attached to our ears. It's as if we remember the lessons but learn all of the lessons at once. I have gotten a funnel and a history book and done just that. Here's what I learned.

Welcome to "Biblical times" when God is under attack! From what I understand, God could take a little light ribbing and not get hurt what with the all-powerfulness and...all. Is God really so thin skinned that he/she/it couldn't handle a Townhall style meeting with prearranged questions? Perhaps a softball Barbara Walters special where God reveals that he/she/it would be an elm tree out of any tree and thinks that Brad Pitt should have never left Jennifer Aniston. Is that so hard?

Welcome to 1986. The deficit is through the roof, a dillusional hand puppet with good hair is president, and democracy hinges on the destruction of a third world country (Nic-Iraq-ua). Thank goodness its 2006 and Madonna's career is over...what? She has another album coming out? NOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo!

Welcome to Egypt, circa the time when the Pharaoh ordered the death of all first born male children...by sending them to Iraq for their third tour with a handful of antidepressants and a dream. The dream? That once they're done bringing Christian democracy to the Muslims they can come back to a freer America where women have the right to choose preganacy, we can conveniently make phone calls to our friends both overseas and at the NSA at the same time, and the press is free to expose the Liberals for what they really are...Iraqi insurgents that drive Prius'.

Welcome to the 1920's. Prohibition has begun on cigarettes and evil-ution is once again in question. People gather in a hot courtroom in Kansas debating whether humans evolved from monkeys or God intervened about 6000 years ago, sent down his chronically-single son with only his wits and an AK47 (another God-given right) to kill all of the dinosaurs and free all humans from dino-tyranny (footnote: all dinosaurs were Jewish...little known fact).

Welcome to that period between 0006 AD to 1806 AD where humans didn't progress much except for a little math here, a little science there, some light philosophising (usually all done by the same dude) and a whole lot o' killin' each other with swords (done by everyone else). Usually the killing was for glory. Sometimes they killed for a woman, where the "glory time" comes when you're naked. Some people chose to intermesh the two and went to war naked. Either way, scientist were only good for two things: 1) making gun powder and 2) being burned at the stake. Which brings us to today when the ultimate scientific question is: "Regarding Global Warming, how would the ozone layer be effected if all of the scientists were all burned at the stake at once?"

Which brings me to a period in history that from beginning to end pretty much stays consistant. The one single most dangerous enemy of all humanity throughout history. Sex. Particularily homosexual sex, which is defined as "Any sex that involves sound, different positions, lack of procreation, or enjoyment of any kind." Little known fact: homosexuality almost killed off the Spotted Owl and totally did in the Dodo (actually, for the record, Dodos would still be around if they hadn't liked hanging out in bear bars so much). Homosexuality was actually fairly accepted in certain periods of time especially in those societies where building a bunch of 40 foot penises and distributing them across the city was known as "architecture" and sex between men was "bonding". But now-a-days a grown man listening to Celine Dion is labeled as a faggot (faggot: cord of wood or english cigarette), and a woman who chooses construction as a profession is labeled a lesbian (lesbian: inhabitant of the Greek island of Lesbos). The people who label gay people as faggots or lesbians are known as homophobes (homophobe: homo - human, phobe - fear of). Perhaps we wouldn't kill each other if we didn't fear everyone different from us and instead wanted to hump them...in an environment of solidarity that is. For the record, I am not gay, I am a single celled homohybrid that splits occasionally if I want to get sexual satisfaction and want someone to share the bar bill with at the same time.

Feel free to drop me a personal line to critisize...if you even got this far...

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