Greece/Roman Mythology: Magical dudes and chicks with superpowers fight a meta-spiritual war. Cross between Heroes and the Sopranos.

Ancient Middle East: Local gods that helped local people. The Invisible President that fights wars in the 4th dimension on behalf of your nation.

Jews: Your Invisible President is universal but likes you best.

Christians: Same Universal Invisible President, but he's pissed, so he sends down an Emissary in human form to put your asses in check. He does miracles to prove that he's the real deal. Then he gets murdered by haters and flies up into the clouds like a magical dude. Things get a little weird after that. One camp believes that if you speak the magic words "I believe" you're cool for eternity. Don't say the words, you're eternally fucked. Another camp believes you have to also be good to other people to be cool for eternity and that was his point. The Universal Invisible President sent him down to show you how to live. Basically you should flip over money tables in markets and freak out on people like a good Marxist. In the US this is refined to mean: flip over people's money tables and freak out then steal their shit.

Then some fucked up lunatic on acid wrote Revelations about the Emissary returning and ruling the world and destroying it. BAD IDEA. Totally goth and weird: end of the world ushered in by four headless horsemen (okay I added the headless part in for effect), a demon called LEGION, cryptonumerology, angels, wormwood (which he was probably on.) It doesn't work. It just seems tacked on.

But then again, the beginning stuff was just as strange: talking snakes, fruit trees made of knowledge, technicolor dreamcoats, enormous seraphim with big ol' swords. Then there was poor old Ezekiel. That dude was way high. Cut out your tongue? God says burn your hair in three piles. Here's the real question: does all schizophrenia trace back to Ezekiel's effect on our culture OR was Ezekiel just the first schizophrenic? It's good to start a novel with a bang, but there's too many images coming at you too fast. And the begats. FUCK, will someone please just edit that crap and stick it on genealogy.com.

Muslims: Same Universal Invisie Pres, even more pissed, sends down Emissary #2 to explain that Emissary #1 was just an early messenger, but that Emissary 2 carried the final ultimate message. Dude totally straightens shit out: no, God didn't rest on day 7. Emissary #2 totally WHY WOULD GOD NEED TO REST, ASSHAT? HE'S GOD. HE DOESN'T GET TIRED. And cut it out with the "three god" stuff. There's only one Universal Invisible President. Ain't no vice-president. God doesn't have sons and impregnate virgins. Y'all are taking Emissary #1 way too seriously. He was just a messenger, not God. And, hey, the Jews are right about the pigs, man. Don't eat 'em. They got weird feet. Don't get drunk. Stick to health food. And ladies. KEEP THE HEADGEAR ON. You're so sexy you're killing us over here. And by the way, y'all will BURN IN HELL if any of you bitches lays a finger on my wives after I'm dead and in heaven. Especially Aisha. By the way, Aisha's real smart and you should listen to her. She's a scholar and a historian. Show the woman some respect, dammit. If you follow what I'm saying the Universal Invisible President will make your eternity awesome. Cookies, ponies, virgins. It's all yours. But check it out: if any of those infidel fuckers says a damn word about the Universal Invisible President, you take those assholes out. I don't mean the other 'POB--the christians and the jews--they're misguided, but at least they believe in the UIP. I'm talking about people who just live like there's no Invisible President in the sky. Those people aren't worth the flesh they're printed on. Fuck em.

Mormonism: Hey my name's Joe and I don't know shit about all that Muslim stuff, let's go back to the 1st Emissary. By the way, I'm the #2. Okay, new rules, heads up: You get married for eternity. Except after women die, they can also get remarried. You can initiate any of your friends, families, or even strangers by proxy into our religion by getting baptized for them. But the people have to accept it in the afterlife for the spell to work. It's like will call. You can't just walk in. You have to pick up the ticket at the ticket desk. There are three levels of heaven: penthouse, suite, non-smoking standard room. Limbo shall be called "Spirit Prison." Black people are cursed. And listen, there are some sins that the Emissary 1's salvation life insurance policy doesn't cover. For those sins, you're gonna have to spill a l'il blood--your own--to appease the UIP. Universal Prez got a temper, see. SPECIAL UNDIES !!!!

Scientology: Hi, I'm Elron Hubbard. I'm a science-fiction writer and I want to get laid. So I'm going to start a sci-fi religion. It'll get me laid. There will be gizmos and secret ceremonies. It will be totally and thoroughly cool.

Heaven's Gate: THE ULTIMATE SHARK JUMP. Your novel is going to sound dated and corny in a few decades. The castration part is a real retro twist, but the nikes and the track suits and the whole "don't miss the bus" thing, plus the internet. Total born to be a footnote in a VH-I countdown. *sigh* What ever happened to the sublime? Too many props in Mormonism and Scientology, tho. Very "modernist" feel to it. Heaven's Gate: totally pomo and already dated. A religion that became obsolete before it even took off...