High-level anonymous sources have revealed to me what actually happened on the Armstrong Ranch the day Dick Cheney allegedly shot Harry Wittington. You will not read this anywhere else. It is a SoonerHoosier exclusive.

What Really Happened?

Young Beaver Cleaver was walking across a field and came across a man, who had apparently been shot. He ran back to the ranch house to tell his mother, Shirley MacLaine. Shirley went out to the field to investigate, saw that it was Harry, but didn’t care. (That’s a long story… She was married to him, but didn’t love him… don’t ask.) Captain Cheney had been hunting in the field and had taken a potshot at a rabbit. He independently discovered Harry lying on the ground and thought that he had shot him. The spinster, Pamela Willeford, also believed she would be a prime suspect because she had fought with Harry. Naturally Pam flirted with Captain Cheney. She was relieved that he was going to take the blame for what she believed to be her crime. That's where all these "Swiss Miss" allegations originated.

Eventually, the lot of them (along with an eccentric artist,) spent the better part of the next 24 hours repeatedly burying Harry & digging him up again. It turned out that Captain Cheney didn't shoot Harry after all. He hit the rabbit. He only took three shots... he hit the beer can, the tin sign, and the rabbit. Harry had just had a heart attack in the first place.

Oh… wait.

I’m thinking of a Hitchcock movie.