The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 242

April 24
Hu Goes There Edition

George W. Bush (1,5), acting in his new capacity as "The Decider," decided to play the fool at a press conference last week. Meanwhile, Katherine Harris (2) demonstrates why her biggest fans are now Democrats, Scott McClellan (3) has taken his leave, and Karl Rove (4) must be up to something. Elsewhere, Ken Mehlman (6) spins himself stupid, Mike Harris (8) is a real family values kinda guy, and Jo Ann Emerson (10) should really read her letters before she mails them. Don't forget the still-not-fixed-yet key.



George W. Bush

China's President Hu Jintao paid a visit to George W. Bush last week, but not before stopping off at the home of someone far more important: Bill Gates. Gates may not have the power to nuke other countries - yet - but he sure knows how to market an operating system.

Bill Gates is probably breathing a sigh of relief that he got first dibs on President Hu, because if Hu had made the White House his first stop he may well have fled the country immediately. Gaffe upon gaffe thwarted Our Great Leader's press conference with the Chinese president last week, beginning with a spokesman referring to China as "The Republic of China," which is actually the official name of Taiwan.

Shortly after that, Hu was embarrassed by a journalist who interrupted his speech by calling out, "President Hu, your days are numbered. President Bush, make him stop persecuting Falun Gong. President Bush stop him. Stop this visit. Stop the killing and torture." Television stations in Beijing apparently faded to black as Wang Wenyi - who was protesting the Chinese government's harsh treatment of the Falun Gong movement - harangued Hu for several minutes before security intervened. Bush later apologized to the communist leader for the shocking display of free speech - but don't worry, Wang Wenyi was subsequently charged and could face up to six months in prison, so I'm sure that made President Hu feel better.

And then, at the end of the press conference, there was this:


Nobody is sure what was going through George's mind at this point - perhaps he was making a last-ditch effort to beg for another few trillion dollars in loans, or maybe he thought he'd caught one of those illegal immigrants he's been hearing so much about - but as Hu attempted to leave the podium, Our Great Leader decided manhandle him in front of the cameras.

So all in all, it was another smashing diplomatic success for the Bush administration.



Katherine Harris

Run, Katherine, Run! The best news of the week is that Katherine Harris not only remains in the race for US Senate, but her poll numbers are still stinking up the joint - which means that this seat is a sure-fire win for the Democrats, barring any dubious election fraud of course. Now, since Harris is the poster-child of election fraud, I guess we can't rule out that possibility. But when you're trailing in the polls by 56 percent to 27, it gets awfully hard to pull out a magical come-from-behind victory. Of her recent poll numbers, she said, "It's a tough environment for Republicans now. I'm confident that we'll continue to only go up." Continue to only go up? Harris has lost a net seven percentage points in the last two months - she was behind by 53 percent to 31 in February.

Harris isn't doing herself any favors, mind you. Last week the Orlando Sentinel reported that she is a former dinner guest of one Mitchell Wade - the man who earlier this year pleaded guilty to conspiracy to bribe Duke Cunningham. And we all know how that turned out. According to the Sentinel, the dinner "may have cost as much as $2,800" and Wade "offered to sponsor a campaign fundraiser for her." (Oh yes, did I mention that Wade also "pleaded guilty to giving Harris $32,000 in illegal campaign contributions in 2004?") When the Sentinel asked Harris about her dinner with Wade, she gave several conflicting stories before her spokesman called the paper and "asked a reporter not to publish anything Harris had said Wednesday night about the dinner." Nice try.

But don't count Katherine out yet - she's got a sure-fire campaign strategy which is bound to pull her lackadaisical poll numbers up by the bootstraps.

First, she's started labeling her opponent, Bill Nelson, as a "liberal." Ooh, scary stuff. That should flip those poll numbers in a heartbeat.

Second, she's sticking close to the man Rolling Stone magazine last week called "The worst president in history."

"Think about the consequences in 2008," Harris said at a sparsely-attended campaign stop last week. "Do you think our country would have been safer with Al Gore as president? Do you think our economy would have been stronger with John Kerry as president?

Because, you know, running on the awesomeness of President George W. Bush is going to be a winning strategy this year.

And third, she's going to hypnotize young men into voting for her by playing footsie with them. That's right. You heard me. Mother Jones reporter Stephen Elliott attended a Harris press event last week and was so disturbed by the candidate's Mrs. Robinson-esque advances toward a 20-year-old student reporter (whom she waylaid for a "nuclear conversation") that he snapped some pictures. Here they are (thanks to DU's hvn_nbr_2 for cleaning them up):




The young man told Elliott, "I had my face in my notepad a lot, because every time I looked up she was so close to me." Yikes!



Scott McClellan

Farewell Scott McClellan, we'll miss your outrageous lies and egregious stonewalling. Scott quit as White House press secretary last week, and if you're wondering whether he fell or was pushed, the answer is neither - he was thrown bodily out of a third floor window by Bush's new chief-of-staff Josh Bolten.

You could see the disappointment written all over Scott's chubby little cheeks as he announced to the press that he would no longer be carrying the president's water. As he stood on the south lawn and told his former boss, "I have given it my all, sir, and I have given you my all, sir," it was a bit like watching Smithers accept forced retirement from Mr. Burns. Or watching Old Yeller get a bullet in the brain from Travis Coates (except McClellan wasn't noticeably rabid).

When asked how he felt about his dismissal, Scott replied, "The White House is going through a time of transition. Change can be helpful. This is a good time and a good position to help bring about change." Ah, giving non-answers to the very end. That's our Scott. We'll miss you, old pal. Here's hoping you don't become the subject of an ongoing investigation any time soon.



Karl Rove

And speaking of the subject of an ongoing investigation, Senior Evildoer Karl Rove also had his wings clipped last week, losing his position as deputy chief of staff for policy so he can return to doing what he does best: inventing nefarious ways to finagle elections. What does this mean? As Dan Froomkin recently pointed out, "there are no signs that Rove's influence on Bush and the White House will wane significantly." No kidding. You think anybody tells ol' Turd Blossom what to do? Take this as nothing more than an effort to rearrange the deck chairs on the Titanic.

Of course, one possible reason for Rove's gentle ooze toward the exit is that he is now officially a subject of Patrick Fitzgerald's CIA leak investigation - and that could spell indictments. According to Think Progress:


But all that aside, won't somebody think of the victims of Hurricane Katrina? Now that Karl Rove is no longer in charge of looking after them, how will they ever recover?



George W. Bush

We noted in Top 10 241 that Donald Rumsfeld has recently come under fire from his own generals, but George W. Bush is standing by his man. Last week, however, George finally got ticked off with all the questions surrounding Rummy's tenure and snapped:


So which war on terror is that, George? The one where you let the chief bad guy get away? Or the one where you invaded a country to prevent its use of weapons of mass destruction only to find out that they didn't have any? Or is it the one where you got us embroiled in a nasty little civil war which could destabilize the entire Middle East? Or is it the one you're still working on, where you get to push the big red nuclear button?


There you have it - he does read the newspaper. Oh, and he hears voices.


Game, set, and match, folks! Bush is the decider, and what he says goes. You know, this reminds me of that famous comment he made back in 2000 when he said, "If this were a decidership, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the decider." No, wait... that wasn't it. It was something similar though.

But anyway, if Bush really is "The Decider" then perhaps he could do us all a favor and decide to resign before he finally succeeds in dragging this country's once-great name round the U-bend.



Ken Mehlman

Ken Mehlman is not a happy camper these days. With polls showing the GOP in dire straits, Mehlman was placed in the uncomfortable position last week of having to defend George W. Bush's approval ratings. And when even Fox News has Bush at a lowly 33%, you know there's trouble brewing.

Don't worry though - Ken's a pro. Here's how he responded to the news of Bush's Nixonesque numbers:


Yes, those 33% approval ratings sure are good news! It's odd though - I could swear I've heard this "bottomed out" thing before...





There's an old aphorism which states that "you can't polish a turd." Yet for some reason Ken Mehlman keeps on reaching for that trusty Pledge® of allegiance.



Republican Hypocrites Redux

With oil jumping to over $75 a barrel last week, I thought it would be worth revisiting an item from Idiots 193, published in April 2005. Here for your viewing pleasure are statements that various Republicans made about the Clinton administration back in 2000, when Candidate Bush was blaming President Clinton for oil at around $30 a barrel and gas prices going over a whopping $1.50 per gallon.

Rep. Terry Everett: "The Clinton Administration has failed in its duty to develop a policy to deal with our national energy supply and is therefore directly accountable for the higher prices Americans are now paying at the gas pumps."

Dennis Hastert: "House Speaker Dennis Hastert accused the Clinton administration Friday of misleading members of Congress about the causes of skyrocketing gas prices in the Midwest."

Rep. Wally Herger: "Congressman Wally Herger recently denounced the Clinton-Gore Administration's complacency during the current gas price crisis. 'Northern Californians are being held hostage at the gas pump,' Herger said. 'The Clinton-Gore Administration has demonstrated a complete and total lack of leadership in preventing this problem. It is a clear failure of domestic and foreign policy.'"

Larry Kudlow: "The Clinton-Gore administration's hapless and incoherent management of foreign policy is nowhere as evident as in their bungling on OPEC's oil-price hike. ... While crude oil prices could drop to $25 per barrel, they will stay well above the average $20 real price of oil registered over the past ten years. And way above the $10 worldwide average marginal cost of producing new oil. Meanwhile gas prices at the pump are likely to be upwards of $2 per gallon well into the summer."

Glenn Spencer: "In recent weeks, gas prices have surged to their highest level in a decade. Prices for home heating oil and natural gas are expected to rise by about 30 percent this winter. ... With the Clinton-Gore administration's policies largely to blame for the pain being felt by consumers, Vice President Gore's camp has pulled out all the stops to shift blame away from his own administration."

Various Repubs: "Representatives Jim Sensenbrenner (R-Menomonee Falls), Tom Petri (R-Fond du Lac), Paul Ryan (R-Janesville), and Mark Green (R-Green Bay) today blasted Energy Secretary Bill Richardson and the Clinton-Gore Administration for their failure to implement a comprehensive energy policy to deal with staggering gas prices Wisconsin consumers continue to face at the pumps."

Where are the loud, outraged voices of these people now? They've gone very quiet for some reason. And what's George W. Bush's solution to the problem? Sorry folks - you're on your own.



Mike Harris

One quick entry for the conservative morals and values file here: meet Mike Harris, an Arizona businessman who is running for the Republican gubernatorial nomination this year. Harris recently put $100,000 into his campaign, and has pledged to spend $250,000 of his own money. So what? Well, it turns out that a few months ago he managed to get a court to cut his child support payments in half by claiming he was broke.

Harris apparently owes the mother of his child more than $22,000 in unpaid court-ordered child support, but cried poor when she took him to court. Just a few months later, he's magically managed to produce $250,000 to put into his gubernatorial campaign. What, did he find it down the back of the sofa or something?

According to the Arizona Daily Star:


Classy. Oh, one more thing - Harris describes himself as a "proud and loving father," on his campaign website. See? Conservative family values all the way.



Brian Blair

I happened to be perusing News of the Weird last week when I came across this great story: Brian Blair, a Republican county commissioner in Tampa, is suing an Italian restaurant for ending his career. No - not his career as a Republican county commissioner, his career as a pro-wrestler.

Blair is apparently suing Carrabba's Italian Grill restaurant for $15,000 because while eating there in 2001 he slipped on a tray, "injuring his head, shoulder and knee," according to the Tampa Tribune.


Never mind that Blair's blood alcohol level was 0.089 (he says he can't recall drinking). Never mind that he was allegedly taking prescription painkillers that night (he says he can't recall doing that either). And never mind the fact that he was caught on camera four months later, um, wrestling in Japan. Hey, as Blair himself explained, "that was a tag match, rather than a singles match." Like, duh!

Hmm... can't recall drinking, can't recall taking prescription drugs, files frivolous lawsuits, fails to take responsibility for his own actions... sounds like a Republican to me!



Jo Ann Emerson

Here's a story you don't see every day - last week Rep. Jo Ann Emerson (R-MO) sent a letter to a constituent recently which apparently read "like a typical response to a citizen's question about last year's testimony of oil executives before the U.S. Senate commerce committee," according to the Associated Press. The letter was indeed typical, right up until the charming sign-off which read, "I think you're an asshole."

Emerson appeared shocked at the news. "There is no excuse for this inappropriate letter having been sent and every apology has been made to the individual who received it," she said. "We cannot determine whether the addition to the letter was made by someone within the office or by someone with access to the office but it is on my letterhead and the responsibility for it lies with me. A valuable lesson has been learned and new procedures will be adopted as a result."

Seems like a fairly open-and-shut case to me. Clearly Emerson wasn't the person who added that line at the end, and some as-yet-to-be-identified prankster in her office was the real culprit.

Mind you, since she PERSONALLY SIGNED the letter and ADDED A HANDWRITTEN MESSAGE AT THE END, you'd think she might have, oh, read it first.

Best of the Rest

There were too many idiots to fit onto the list this week, so here are the Best of the Rest: Condoleezza Rice allegedly leaked classified information to a now-indicted AIPAC lobbyist, while the CIA officer who blew the whistle on Bush's secret prisons has been fired; former church youth leader Michael Huber was arrested on child porn charges; Kentucky Gov. Ernie Fletcher recently declared "Diversity Day" and "then cut from the state government's employment policy a provision that explicitly protected gay workers from being discriminated against"; and at the White House Easter Egg Roll, dozens of children were forced to literally sing the praises of FEMA and George W. Bush.

And finally: my abject apologies, but I won't be writing the Top 10 for the next three weeks. I've got a good excuse - I'm getting married. The Top 10 will take a two week break and return on Monday May 15 when Skinner will take the helm, and I'll be back on May 22. See you then!

-- EarlG