The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 243

May 15, 2006
Large Mouth Ass Edition


EarlG is on his honeymoon this week, so Skinner has filled in on Top 10 writing duty, which means that the Top 10 Conservative Idiots is New and Improved with 50% Less Humor! If you are easily bored by lots of tedious "reading," do yourself a favor and click the "close window" button on your browser right now. Come back in a week when EarlG is back on duty -- I promise it will be much funnier then. But before you leave, please take a moment to donate to Democratic Underground, because at the moment we can't actually afford a plane ticket back home for EarlG. Please -- won't you help out a poor webmaster in his time of need? Enjoy the list, and don't forget the key!



George W. Bush

As if you needed any more proof that George W. Bush is a compete fool: When he was asked by a German interviewer to name the best moment of his presidency, the moron-in-chief came up with this:


Apparently there may have been some problems with translation, as the White House website says it was a large mouth bass. But whether it was a perch or a bass, the fact remains that the president of the United States believes that his greatest moment in office was when he caught a fish.

I don't know about you, but when someone asks the president of the United States to name the best moment of his presidency, I kinda think it's implied that they are interested in hearing something that is actually related to being president. Bush's response is kinda like if someone asked me "What's the best moment of your marriage?" and I replied, "I would say the best moment or my marriage was when I went on that trip to Vegas with my college buddies, and my wife stayed home." I wouldn't say such a thing, but if I did, one would be justified in wondering if I actually liked being married. Similarly, In Bush's case one has to wonder whether he's particularly interested in being president, or whether he has any interest in the issues that face a president. (To see how Clinton and Carter answered the question, check out this journal by DUer herbster.)

As stupid as Bush's response was, I think he does deserve some credit for his honesty. In more than five years as president, Bush doesn't really have many "best moments" to look back on. He hasn't caught bin Laden. His Iraq war has been an unmitigated disaster. His tax cuts and out-of-control spending have caused the worst federal deficit in our nation's history. His response to the Katrina disaster has been a disaster. I can't actually think of one thing that this guy hasn't fucked up. So who can blame the guy when he says that catching the big fish was the best moment of his presidency?



The NSA, AT&T, Verizon and BellSouth

On Thursday morning, USA Today dropped a bombshell:


And by "every call ever made" they actually mean "every call ever made," including:

That one time in a moment of weakness when you called 1-900-YOUNG-NYMPHOS.

That time when you were maybe-kinda-not-really phone-stalking your ex.

Your crazy cousin in the Michigan Militia who keeps calling you for no reason.

That time you ordered John Basedow's Fitness Made Simple "Awesome Hour Upper Body Home Workout."

The suspiciously high number of calls that your spouse is making to his/her extremely attractive co-worker.

And if you're one of those freedom-hating half-wits who believes that the Fourth Amendment to the Constitution is a communist plot to protect "people who have something to hide," and you don't mind complete strangers having access to your phone records, put your money where your mouth is. Scan copies of your most recent phone bills (home phone and cell phone) into your computer and then email them to us here at Democratic Underground. With your permission, we will post your private phone records on our website for the world to see. Check back next week to find out if anyone actually takes us up on this generous offer.

By the way: Kudos to Qwest, the only big telecom company that refused to participate.



George W. Bush

Back when Bush's approval ratings were in the 30's, his supporters liked to point out the "good news," which was that he had nowhere to go but up. We now know that this was wrong, and he still had plenty of room to keep going down. According to a Harris Interactive poll, only 29% of Americans have a positive opinion of Bush's job in office, which puts him in striking distance of Richard Nixon's rock bottom of 24%. The question for Bush and his supporters now is: How low can he go?

Bush is now into territory where there are very few other presidents to compare him to. With this in mind, we have to go looking beyond the presidential approval ratings in order to put Bush's numbers in their proper context. Consider:

APPROVAL RATINGS OF VARIOUS THINGS

31% Third-World Dictators
    Salami Breath
    The "Lost another loan to Ditech" Guy

30% Omarosa
    Telemarketers
    Public Bathrooms 

29% Camilla Parker Bowles
    George W. Bush
    Hangnails

28% Spam Email
    The Duke University Men's Lacrosse Team
    Jar-Jar Binks

27% Hurricane Katrina
    Ebola
    Websites with sound 

Oh, and while we're on the topic of presidential job performance, in a CNN poll where respondents were asked to directly compare Bill Clinton to George W. Bush, the Big Dog beat Bush on every issue, including national security and honesty.



John Gibson

If it wasn't clear before, it's clear now: John Gibson is a racist asshole. Media Matters reports that on the May 11 broadcast of his program, the Fox News commentator implored the white people of America to "make more babies". (Click the link and read the whole thing, you won't believe it.) The reason for Gibson's racist diatribe was a recent Census Bureau report that nearly half the children under five in the United States are minorities. Said Gibson:


To a racist asshole like Gibson, this can mean only one thing:


Since he admits that the reason for his rant is the fact that minorities will make up a majority of the population in 25 years, I think it's safe to assume that he's not talking about them when he says "we need more babies." And to underscore the point, he includes a bizarre tangent where he refers to Europe as "Eurabia" -- a word he doesn't explain, but which appears to be a racist play on "Europe" and "Arabia".

One wonders how long it will be until conservatives start referring to the United States as "Amerexico." Oh, wait. They already are.



Porter Goss

It's been more than a week since Porter Goss resigned unexpectedly, and it's still not totally clear what happened. Was he forced out because in his tumultuous 18-month tenure he managed to piss off everyone in the CIA and the intelligence community, including John Negroponte, the director of national intelligence? Or did he resign because of as-yet-unclear connections to the (alleged) Cunningham/Wilkes/Wade/Foggo bribes-and-prostitutes scandal? Enquiring minds want to know.

Goss got a minor news reprieve thanks to Patrick Kennedy, but it was short-lived. Things got more interesting on Monday when Goss's #3 man at the CIA, Kyle "Dusty" Foggo resigned his post at the agency. And then on Friday the feds raided his house.

There's still a lot we don't know, but so far this story's got everything: Bribes, kickbacks, favors, disgraced congressmen, The CIA, hospitality suites, free limousines, crooked contracts, poker parties, hookers, and even the Watergate Hotel. For those of you keeping score at home: That's eight out of sixteen spots on a standard "Scandal Bingo" card.



And look, I got Bingo!



Michael Hayden

Saying "He's the right man to lead the CIA at this critical moment in our nation's history," last week Bush nominated General Michael Hayden to replace Goss as CIA director. If you're wondering where you've heard that name before, he's the guy who led the National Security Agency while it was listening in on your phone calls (sans warrant) for the last four years, and who has staunchly defended the program.

Apparently, if you want to get the top job at the CIA where you can snoop on the rest of the world, it's now considered a plus if you have gained valuable experience snooping on the American people. In fact, George W. Bush went so far as to call Hayden "supremely qualified," thanks in part to the time he spent tapping your calls and collecting your phone records. I suppose this nomination wouldn't be such a bad thing if it meant that we weren't going to have our privacy invaded anymore, but somehow I don't think that it works that way.

To give you some idea of how bad this nomination is, even Republican House Speaker Dennis Hastert has come out against it, on the grounds that it would "give too much influence over the U.S. intelligence community to the Pentagon." Now there's a crazy idea -- limiting the power of the Pentagon. Hastert, you sound like an America-hater.

Here's a humorous aside, courtesy of the Daily Show: Bush's comments about Hayden are eerily similar to what he said 18 months ago when he nominated Goss. Crooks and Liars has the video.



Mary Cheney

Mary Cheney, the daughter of Vice President Dick Cheney came out of her undisclosed location last week to lob verbal stink bombs at John Kerry and John Edwards. If you're wondering why she is doing this now, it's because she's got a new book to sell. In a breathtaking display of Republican hypocrisy fully befitting someone with the last name "Cheney," she's using this occasion to cast herself as some kind of champion of Gay rights, while simultaneously attacking the only major presidential candidate in the last election who supported Gay rights.

John Kerry, according to Cheney is a "son of a bitch" and John Edwards is a "total slime" because they had the gall to mention her sexual orientation back during the 2004 campaign. And who can blame her? Consider these shocking comments by the Democratic candidates:

Kerry: "We're all God's children, Bob, and I think if you were to talk to Dick Cheney's daughter, who is a lesbian, she would tell you that she's being who she was. She's being who she was born as. I think if you talk to anybody, it's not a choice."

Edwards: "I think the vice president and his wife love their daughter. I think they love her very much. And you can't have anything but respect for the fact that they're willing to talk about the fact that they have a gay daughter, the fact that they embrace her. It's a wonderful thing."

Ouch, that's harsh! Total slime, indeed!

But for some reason, Mary doesn't have quite such an acid tongue when it comes to that other 2004 presidential candidate -- you know, the one that supported an amendment to the constitution outlawing Gay marriage. Of Bush, Mary says, "I think he's a very good man."

Sorry, Mary, simply having a famous name isn't enough to make someone a civil rights leader. It takes something else. What's the word I'm trying to think of? Oh yeah, integrity.



Dick Cheney

Last week Dick Cheney emerged as a key player in two different Bush Administration Scandals.

The New York Times reported that immediately following the 9/11 attacks, the Vice President "argued that the National Security Agency should intercept purely domestic telephone calls and e-mail messages without warrants." To those of you who try to argue that this is a completely sensible and legal position to take, I would draw your attention to the phrases "purely domestic" and "without warrants." Last time I checked, the US Constitution -- including that whole annoying "Bill of Rights" part -- was still the law of the land.

And Newsweek reported that some rather interesting vice-presidential chicken-scratchings are now a matter of public record in Patrick Fitzgerald's CIA Leak Case. On a copy of Joe Wilson's July 2003 New York Times Op-Ed, the revenge-crazed Vice-Leaker wrote: "Have they done this sort of thing before? Send an Amb. to answer a question? Do we ordinarily send people out pro bono to work for us? Or did his wife send him on a junket?" According to Newsweek, the handwritten notes "appear to make Cheney an even more central witness than had been previously thought in the criminal probe."

Now there's a shocker! Who knew that Dick Cheney was actually the guy calling the shots in the Bush Administration?



Ernie Fletcher

Sometimes it seems like indictments of high-ranking Republicans are becoming so common these days that it's almost unremarkable to hear about a new one. Rather than asking "which of them are indicted?" it almost makes more sense to ask "which Republicans haven't been indicted?" And if you were to ask that question, you wouldn't be able to answer: "Ernie Fletcher."

The Republican Governor of Kentucky was indicted last week on charges of conspiracy, official misconduct and political discrimination. Fletcher is accused of conspiring with his buddies to pack the Kentucky government with his own political supporters, while demoting those who supported his opponents. There's even a "hit-list" of employees slated to be demoted or fired.

In a classic example of Republican personal responsibility, Fletcher blamed the Democrats. In particular, the Democratic Attorney General, whom Fletcher accuses of conflict of interest.

Of course, if Fletcher wants to get out of trouble, he could simply pardon himself. While he insists he won't do that, he already pardoned his administration staff back in August. Republican values: Do the crime, don't do the time.



(This Space Intentionally Left Blank)

And speaking of indictments, this week we are doing something completely unprecedented in the history of the Top 10 Conservative Idiots. We are reserving an empty space, just in case a certain high-ranking Bush Administration official has need for it later this week.

And to be completely clear -- I'm not sayin' that he's definitely gonna need it or anything. But just in case, we want to be prepared.

From the May 8 episode of Countdown with Keith Olbermann:


From the May 12 episode of Imus in the Morning:


That's all I know, I swear. This week's Top 10 is officially over. You can go home now. (Whistles innocently. Looks around. Taps foot. Nervously looks at watch.)

Ok, I admit it. There's something else. They say it's totally irresponsible for me to provide you with this link. I leave it to you to decide whether to believe it or not.

EarlG will be back next week, so next Monday I promise the Top 10 will be more... What's the word I'm trying to think of? Oh yeah, funny. See you next week!

--Skinner