The Top 25 Conservative Idiots, No. 250

July 3, 2006
The Great Big 250th Edition

The stars have aligned perfectly this week. The last seven days been absolutely packed with conservative idiocy, we celebrate the birth of the nation on Tuesday, and this also happens to be the 250th edition of the Top 10. So as a special treat we proudly present not 10, not 15, not 20... but 25 bona fide Conservative Idiots! Don't forget the key!





George W. Bush

So guess what? It turns out that Our Great Leader is officially a war criminal. Last week the Supreme Court ruled in Hamdan vs. Rumsfeld that "military commissions for trying terrorist suspects violate both U.S. military law and the Geneva Convention," according to the Los Angeles Times.


All together now: Oops!



The Bush Administration

In order to distract attention from the fact that he's now officially a war criminal, the Bush administration has gone on a full-bore offensive against the most dangerous, anti-American crowd he can think of. No, not Osama bin Laden and friends - the New York Times.

Last week the Times filed a report on the terrorist-tracking activities of the SWIFT international financial system. Our Great Leader immediately swung down from the branches of his tree house and proclaimed, "The disclosure of this program is disgraceful. We're at war with a bunch of people who want to hurt the United States of America, and for people to leak that program, and for a newspaper to publish it, does great harm to the United States of America."

Right. Except for one thing - the terrorists already knew about the program. According to Richard Clarke, "They want the public to believe that it had not already occurred to every terrorist on the planet that his telephone was probably monitored and his international bank transfers subject to scrutiny. How gullible does the administration take the American citizenry to be?"

Oh, and one other thing - it was George W. Bush who publicly announced this program back in September of 2001:


Oh yes, and one last thing - the government has been bragging about the program ever since:


If you want more information about the super-secret SWIFT program you can find it, er, on their website.



George W. Bush

Last week George W. Bush said that global warming is a "serious problem." No, honestly. He actually said that. Then he said:


Well gee, I guess we should "get beyond that debate" and "start implementing the technologies necessary." If only there was someone in charge who could pull the levers of power and make it happen.

Well, Mr. President? Any idea where we can find someone in a position of great power and responsibility who might be able to do that?





Senate Republicans

Thank goodness for the Citizens Flag Alliance. According to the Washington Post, the group recently reported "an alarming 33 percent increase in the number of flag-desecration incidents this year." That's right - the number of flag burnings in the U.S over the past year has jumped from three to four. Won't somebody think of the children? This requires an urgent response!

Don't worry though - the GOP is on it. While the Bush administration was busy distracting the nation with meaningless attacks on the New York Times, Senate Republicans wasted everybody's time with yet another election-year flag-burning amendment. Which, after three days of pointless debate, they voted against.

Still, it's good to know that the Republican party has got the country's best interests at heart. After all, I honestly can't think of anything more important in the world right now than trying to stop the insane flag-burning epidemic that's sweeping our great nation. Can you?



Mel Martinez

For example, here's how seriously Sen. Mel Martinez (R-FL) takes the flag-burning issue. During the debate last week, he was spotted indulging in a little extra-curricular activity - autographing pictures of himself.

In case you were wondering what role Martinez had during this important occasion that could allow him to spend time slapping his John Hancock on a bunch of headshots, don't worry, it wasn't anything important. He was only presiding over the debate.



The Bush Administration

We all know that the Bush administration takes the problem of runaway spending seriously - ha ha! No, really, don't laugh. See, after spending hundreds of billions of dollars to send our soldiers to fight an unnecessary war in Iraq, Bush & Co. have decided that it's time to stop the bleeding (not literally of course).

Last week Military.com reported that "The Bush administration continues to sound an alarm over rising military personnel costs from steady gains in pay and benefits voted by the Congress, including more new initiatives in the 2007 defense budget bill."

That's right folks - the administration wants to save some cash by preventing military personnel from getting pay raises and benefits that Congress has approved. I guess that's what passes for "supporting the troops" these days.





Brian Kilmeade

Fox News anchor Brian Kilmeade demonstrated just how fair and balanced he is last week while interviewing Sen. Carl Levin (D-MI). Kilmeade spent most of the interview talking over Levin and then announced that time was up. Levin wasn't going to take that lying down and ended the segment by saying, "Well thank you for your opinion, but I was hoping this was going to be an interview of me rather than an interview of you."

As the camera pulled back, a flustered Kilmeade could be seen "scowling and shaking his head." Think Progress has the video!



Brian Kilmeade

A few days after his encounter with Levin, Kilmeade decided to cheer himself up by announcing that the best thing the government can do to help fight the "war on terror" is to bring back the Office of Censorship. This new government office would "screen news reports to determine whether they 'hurt the country' or are of 'news value,'" according to Media Matters:


Does anyone else find it odd that members of the media are now actually advocating censorship of the media? I mean, I know Kilmeade is probably jealous because he has to read censored reports all the time at Fox News, but it doesn't mean that everyone should have to.





Ernie Fletcher

The first of Ernie Fletcher's two entries this week finds the Kentucky governor getting a head start on that whole "Office of Censorship" idea - Fletcher's administration has apparently been blocking state employees from logging on to certain websites while at work. A spokeswoman for Fletcher says there's nothing to worry about. According to the Cincinnati Enquirer:


Of course it's pure coincidence that the websites in question happen to be critical of Fletcher. As one of the censored blogs, BluegrassReport.org, noted recently:


Why am I not surprised?



Ernie Fletcher

Meanwhile, MSNBC reports that:


Very commendable. It's a shame that Ernie Fletcher isn't practicing what he preaches. Apparently it's a mere 500 feet from the Governor's Mansion to the Governor's Office in Frankfort, KY, yet he's decided that he would rather take a limo - paid for by Kentucky taxpayers, of course - than walk.

Why? Because according to Fletcher, "That's what security likes." How convenient!





Steve King

Referring to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, Rep. Steve King (R-IA) said, "There probably are not 72 virgins in the hell he's at. And if there are, they probably all look like Helen Thomas."

Personally I can't think of anything classier than insulting the appearance of an 85-year-old woman.



Katherine Harris

Meanwhile Katherine Harris said that "she is getting support in strange places in her fall bid for the U.S. Senate," according to the Palatka Daily News.


But according to a recent Quinnipiac University poll she's trailing Bill Nelson by 59 percent to 26 percent and "only 35 percent of Republicans polled said they wanted her as the nominee." So apparently these mysterious "Democrats in the House of Representatives" (read: voices in her head) are the only ones who want her to win.



Paul McGuire

Right-wing radio host Paul McGuire appeared on Neil Cavuto's show last week and had the following to say about the Dixie Chicks:


Ha ha! Good one. Boy, I don't think I'll ever get tired of hearing these "you libs are best friends with Osama bin Laden" quips. In fact, I'll probably still be laughing at them right up to the time the Office of Censorship shows up and ships me off to Gitmo.



Clarence Thomas

Meanwhile Clarence Thomas took a stern tone in his dissenting opinion of Hamdan vs. Rumsfeld, accusing Justice John Paul Stevens of having an "unfamiliarity with the realities of warfare." Of course, Stevens is unfamiliar with the realities of warfare because he only served in the U.S. Navy from 1942-1945, whereas Thomas is an expert because while he never actually served in the military he once played "Command & Conquer" on his friend's PC.

Presumably Thomas failed to join the military because he had other priorities, such as practicing his sexual harrassment techniques.



Jerry Falwell

And Jerry Falwell announced last week that the entertainment industry is the root of all evil:


Hey Rev. Falwell! Over here! I've found someone in the entertainment industry who is desperately in need of your counsel...





Rush Limbaugh

Oh Rush, what can I say about you and your flaccid penis that hasn't already been said in the past week?

In case you've been living on another planet, Rush Limbaugh was caught on his way back from the Dominican Republic last week carrying bottles of Viagra prescribed to someone else - his doctor. And in case you've forgotten, Limbaugh recently managed to escape going to jail for "doctor shopping" after cutting a deal with prosecutors which meant he would have to keep is nose very, very clean. Limbaugh's lawyer said that the prescription was in his doctor's name "for privacy purposes." Gee, that worked well! According to CNN:


But don't get too excited:


Of course, there are plenty of questions left unanswered. For example, if sex is a shameful act which can only be properly practiced by married couples for the purposes of procreation, why is radio's greatest living moralist walking around with his pockets stuffed full of boner pills?

Hopefully Jerry Falwell will be able to answer that question for us.





Tony Snow


So I saw this picture of Tony Snow, and I thought to myself, "why the hell is Tony Snow wearing those sunglasses? He looks like a complete asshat."

The I read the Associated Press caption:


Which makes sense. But doesn't, of course, take away from the fact that he really does look like a complete asshat.



George W. Bush

Later that day...


Priscilla is thinking, "I hope I'm getting paid for this."

Lisa-Marie is thinking, "At least he's not Michael Jackson."

George is thinking, "Heh heh! Look at that little Chinese fella dance!"



George W. Bush

Here's Our Great Leader enjoying the fruits of his labor, leading a double-amputee Iraq war veteran through an enjoyable photo-opportunity, er, I mean afternoon jog round the South Lawn:


George is saying, "Last one to the end of the path is the world's biggest loser, okay? And it ain't gonna be me. Bring it on."



George W. Bush

And here he is visiting a wounded soldier in San Antonio:


The soldier is saying, "Can't you see I've been badly burned? Stop squeezing my fingers you @&$%*"



People Who Buy This Shit


'Nuff said.





Chris Baker

Video of the week comes courtesy of Crooks and Liars, who posted this spectacular effort by right-wing nutjob Chris Baker to answer liberal talk radio host Bernie Ward's simple question: "should the government be allowed to tell newspapers what they can and can't publish?"

Baker's effort involves pulling faces, calling Bernie Ward names, and then storming off the set. Oh, and not answering the question, of course. Don't miss it!



Van Tran

Republican assemblyman Van Tran is running for his seat in Orange County, Calif., again this year, and no doubt he'll be focusing one of his top priorities from 2005 - a "special initiative" to prevent insurance scams. You can read all about it on his website.

Of course, if you want to get some real insider information on insurance scams you'd probably be better off asking Tran's wife, Cyndi Nguyen, who was formerly the "target of an investigation involving eight law enforcement agencies, including the FBI," according to the Los Angeles Times, "for helping to concoct bogus medical bills at her paralegal office in Sacramento." She was eventually charged with nine felonies and three misdemeanors before "the Sacramento district attorney agreed to allow her to plead no contest to the three lesser charges in 2004."



Craig Stephen White

The Rev. Craig Stephen White has for years been preaching about the dangers of homosexuality, espousing his belief that "homosexuals are going to hell," according to the Chester Daily Local of Pennsylvania. I mention this only because White was in court last week appealing his conviction for "solicitation to commit involuntary sexual deviate intercourse, attempt at luring a child into a motor vehicle, solicitation to commit prostitution and corruption of minors."


I mean, seriously, you can't make this stuff up.



Ann Coulter

And finally, we can't leave the 250th edition of the Top 10 without a mention of Ann Coulter. But don't worry - this isn't just another rehashing of her latest dumb/offensive/false statement.

It's been alleged in the past that Ann has, shall we say, a bit of a plagiarism problem. But last week the New York Post went a step further, reporting that "John Barrie, the creator of a leading plagiarism-recognition system, claimed he found at least three instances of what he calls "textbook plagiarism" in the leggy blond pundit's "Godless: the Church of Liberalism" after he ran the book's text through the company's digital iThenticate program."


Be on the lookout for Coulter's new book due out next spring entitled, Google: Man's Best Friend.

See you next week!

-- EarlG