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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
Posted by top10 in Editorials & Other Articles
Sun Jul 09th 2006, 09:00 PM

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 251

July 10, 2006
Missile Command Edition

It's been a packed seven days for George W. Bush (1,2,3,5,7,9), who makes the list six times this week. Meanwhile, Melanie Morgan (4) wants to execute the editors of the New York Times, Rush Limbaugh (6) has some more questions to answer, Bill Frist (8) has apparently stopped practicing his love with gorillas, and Tony Snow (10) looks like an asshat. Don't forget the key!

George W. Bush dumb

Last Tuesday - the 4th of July - North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il decided to shoot off some fireworks of his own. He launched a Taepodong II - a three-stage ballistic missile allegedly capable of reaching the West Coast of the United States, which crashed shortly after takeoff - along with several shorter-range missiles.

The Bush administration's response?

"We need to find the means to deny North Korea the financial means to buy missile technology or nuclear technology," U.S. envoy Christopher Hill told CNN in Seoul. "We really want to make sure that we're not allowing North Korea to go around and pick up technology or to trade in these components."

Yes, we certainly don't want to allow them the capability to build and launch an ICBM, do we?

Meanwhile Bush & Co. have been running around like chickens with their heads cut off, despite the fact that Kim Jong Il has been threatening to test-fire a missile for some time. According to Graham Allison, a former assistant secretary of Defense in the Clinton administration:

At a news conference Friday, President Bush was asked why, given North Korea's increasing nuclear capability, its refusal to talk and its July 4 missile launches, Americans shouldn't conclude that the U.S. policy toward North Korea is a failed one.

"Because it takes time to get things done," Bush replied.

Or not done, as the case may be. Bear in mind that Bush first railed against the "Axis of Evil" - Iran, Iraq, and North Korea - back in January 2002. Iran, Iraq, and North Korea. I must say our president has really succeeded spectacularly in all of those areas.

From the news conference:

Q Mr. President, if I could follow up, you say diplomacy takes time --

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, it does.

Q -- but it was four years ago that you labeled North Korea a member of the "axis of evil." And since then it's increased its nuclear arsenal, it's abandoned six-party talks and now these missile launches --

THE PRESIDENT: Let me ask you a question. It's increased it's -- that's an interesting statement: "North Korea has increased its nuclear arsenal." Can you verify that?

Q Well, intelligence sources say -- if you can -- if you'd like to dispute that, that's fine.

THE PRESIDENT: No, I'm not going to dispute, I'm just curious.

Curious George strikes again. According to Graham Allison:

The White House's desire to change the subject is understandable. Since Bush entered the Oval Office in January 2001, Kim's estimated stockpile of plutonium has quintupled.

The Bush administration is supposed to have unlimited expertise in the areas of foreign policy and world affairs, yet for some reason they're acting like it's Amateur Night at the Apollo. Can we please put the adults back in charge?

George W. Bush excessive spin

Not to worry though - it appears that Our Great Leader isn't particularly concerned about current events, but is looking to the future. Appearing on Larry King Live last week, George told the world that, "When history looks back, I'd rather be judged as solving problems and being correct, rather than being popular."

Well he's certainly got the "not popular" bit down. But I guess if Bush wants to be judged on his problem-solving capabilities and "being correct" then that's fair enough. After all, what historian could possibly think badly of a president who allowed the greatest terrorist attack in history to happen on his watch, who completely fumbled the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, who started a war in Iraq that he couldn't finish, and who has allowed the situations in Iran and North Korea to get completely out of hand?

If Bush wants history to look back and judge him on solving problems and being correct rather than being popular, perhaps he should get started on that solving problems and being correct stuff.

George W. Bush and Dennis Hastert photo-opping

I don't really have anything to say about this Associated Press photo. I just thought it was frickin' hilarious.

Want to see another?

Melanie Morgan excessive spin

Treason! Sedition! For revealing details of a program which the Bush administration already announced publicly and then discussed publicly multiple times (see Idiots 250), the New York Times editors should be thrown in prison. Or, if you prefer, executed.

Last week right-wing radio talk show host Melanie Morgan said of Times editor Bill Keller, "If he were to be tried and convicted of treason, yes, I would have no problem with him being sent to the gas chamber."

That's the ticket. Because after all, freedom isn't free. Or something.

But while it may seem a little odd that the Times is taking the brunt of all this when the Los Angeles Times and Wall Street Journal also published reports about the money-tracking program on the same day, bear in mind that it all makes for good politicking during an election year. Hey everyone, pay no attention to our complete failure to deal with that "Axis of Evil" we spent several years beating our chests about - the New York Times editors are committing treason and should be sent to the gas chamber!

Not a very nice way of saying thank you to the newspaper which was mostly responsible for persuading the public to let Bush invade Iraq, is it?

George W. Bush covering your ass

Disgraced Enron chief Ken "Kenny Boy" Lay went to meet his maker last week, and it wasn't long before the press wanted to know what Dubya thought of his best friend's demise. Unfortunately they had to first go through Tony Snow, who attempted to cover his boss's ass by confusing the hell out of everybody.

Q One other quick question. What has been the President's reaction to the death of Ken Lay?

MR. SNOW: I really haven't talked to him about it. I'll give you my own personal reaction, which is when somebody dies you leave behind those who grieve and I think they deserve our compassion. But I don't know, what do you think would be the appropriate thing to say?

Um, Tony... you're the press secretary. Reporters ask you questions and then you answer them. Not the other way round.

Q I don't know. I don't know him. The President was his friend, not me.

MR. SNOW: No, the President has described Ken Lay as an acquaintance, and many of the President's acquaintances have passed on during his time in office. Again, I think -- it's sort of an interesting question, but not answerable by me.

Aha - there it is! Ken Lay was an "acquaintance" of Bush, not a friend. (I won't go into detail again about the myriad connections between Ken Lay and the Bush family, but Robert Scheer has an excellent synopsis here.)

Our Great Leader couldn't duck for long though, and after bobbing up and down on a sea of gentle questions from Larry King, he must have been lulled into a false sense of security. "He's a good guy," said Bush on Larry King Live. A good guy? Well I guess... if you consider someone who was about to be sentenced to life in prison for conspiracy and fraud after bilking investors out of billions of dollars and screwing about 4,000 people out of their retirement savings a "good guy." Which Bush obviously does.

Then this exchange took place:

KING: Did you know him well, Mrs. Bush?

LAURA BUSH: I knew him. Not really well, but I did know him.

KING: Did you know his wife?

LAURA BUSH: And I know Linda and I'm sorry for her.

KING: Did you contact her?

LAURA BUSH: I haven't.

GEORGE BUSH: I haven't yet. I'm going to write her a letter at some point in time.

How times have changed. Why, it wasn't so long ago that Lay and Bush were writing letters to one another all the time about things like arthroscopic knee surgery, their birthdays, Christmas gifts, and Broadway musicals.

I'm sure it will be a great comfort to Mrs. Lay to know that her former dear friends George and Laura will get around to writing her a letter of condolence "at some point in time."

Rush Limbaugh sex

Questions continue to be raised about Rush Limbaugh's recent trip to the Dominican Republic. Why was he there? Who was he with? Why was he carrying a bunch of boner pills?

Now at least one of those questions can be answered: it turns out that Rush was traveling with four dudes, two of whom were producers of the Fox TV series "24" and one of whom was a Hollywood agent. So I guess that clears that up. But it does still leave other questions unanswered, such as: why did he need a bunch of boner pills on a trip to the Dominican Republic with an all-male group of Hollywood producer types?

I mean, it just seems like something that El Rushbo would have an absolute fit about - if someone else was caught doing it.

George W. Bush helping terrorists

Mission accomplished? Last week the CIA shut down the unit which has spent the better part of a decade hunting Osama bin Laden. According to Reuters:

The bin Laden unit, codenamed Alec Station, became less valuable as a separate operation as counterterrorism operations eliminated top al Qaeda operatives and the movement's focus shifted more to regional networks of militants, said the (U.S. intelligence) official, who spoke on condition of anonymity.

Wow, that certainly sounds like an odd way to fight the "War on Terror." So what did Our Great Leader have to say about this report at his press conference in Chicago last week?

Q You said some time ago that you wanted Osama bin Laden dead or alive. You later regretted the formulation, but maybe not the thought.

PRESIDENT BUSH: I regretted the formulation because my wife got on me for talking that way.

Q We suspected as much, sir. But the question I have -- (laughter) -- the question I have is, it appears that the CIA has disbanded the unit that was hunting him down. Is it no longer important to track him down?

BUSH: I -- you know, it's just an incorrect story. I mean, we got a -- we're -- we got a lot of assets looking for Osama bin Laden. So whatever you want to read in that story, it's just not true, period.

Oh, okay. I guess the CIA didn't shut down that unit after all then. Also, freedom is spreading in Iraq, the economy is spectacular, and nobody anticipated the breach of the levees.

Bill Frist

I noted back in Idiots 245 that Bill Frist had taken on an unusual side project: performing heart surgery on gorillas at the National Zoo in Washington DC. "The fact that we're working on the edge of the unknown is fun," he said.

So knowing Frist's previous reputation for, er, treating animals, should we make anything of this recent report by the Washington Post?

A mature male gorilla died yesterday at the National Zoo -- the second such death in the past three days.

M'geni Mopaya, known as "Mopie," was being introduced to the family group of gorillas that had been headed by Kuja, the gorilla who died Saturday.


The cause of Mopie's death was not known, Long said, and final results of an animal autopsy, which began yesterday, could take several weeks.

She said Mopie had cardiomyopathy, a heart condition that is a leading cause of death among captive male gorillas. But as far as the zoo knew, she said, Mopie's condition had not reached the stage of heart failure, and he did not show listlessness or other symptoms.

Just sayin'...

George W. Bush photo-opping

Last week Our Great Leader made an "unscheduled" stop at a Dunkin' Donuts in Northern Virginia where he chatted with customers and waved cups of coffee around for the cameras.

What, you don't believe that George W. Bush would show up at a donut shop without telling anyone beforehand? Come now, surely it's common knowledge that the president just loves making spontaneous public appearances and mingling with everyday Americans.

According to the Washington Post, Bush stopped by the Dunkin' Donuts "to promote a program to help verify that workers are in the country legally." Skeptics, however, note that the timing of Bush's visit just happens to coincide with a "national push" by Dunkin' Donuts to "rapidly expand to nearly 15,000 US locations by 2020," according to the Boston Globe.

But why would George care about giving free advertising to Dunkin' Donuts? I mean, I know that an image like this is certainly very helpful to them in terms of publicity, but what's in it for him?

Well funnily enough it turns out that Dunkin' Donuts was bought, in part, by George's daddy's company the Carlyle Group just four months ago. Perhaps that explains why he seems to be holding the cup just so.

Tony Snow dumb

And finally, it's time for part two of our occasional series which I've decided to call "Pictures Of Tony Snow Wearing Something On His Head That Makes Him Look Like An Asshat." For those of you who missed last week's edition, here's a recap:

Now for this week's entry:

If you have a picture of Tony Snow wearing something on his head that makes him look like an asshat, send it to me at .

See you next week!

-- EarlG
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