The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 254

August 7, 2006
Mel-O-Drama Edition

We're back after last week's break, and surprise surprise, conservative idiocy is still going strong. This week Mel Gibson (1) shows his true colors, Conrad Burns (2) insults firefighters, and Rick Santorum (3) starts to worry about his re-election prospects. Meanwhile, Katherine Harris (4) is feeling abandoned, Congressional Republicans (6) screw the poor, and George W. Bush (10) gets Idolized. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!



Mel Gibson

There were Signs last week that The Patriot known as Mel Gibson may be losing it. After enjoying a quiet Tequila Sunrise, Gibson was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol, which turned his car into a Lethal Weapon. Was it Payback for his celebrity status? Or is this all just a Conspiracy Theory? (Aaargh, stop it! -- Skinner.)

Sorry about that. Anyway, it's true, Gibson was arrested for DUI and charged last week after police caught him speeding along the Pacific Coast Highway in California. But what happened next can only be described as bizarre. According to the official police report which was filed after the arrest, Gibson said "The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world," and asked the officer who arrested him, "Are you a Jew?"

Passion of the Christ! What a strange turn of events. It's long been known that Gibson's father has, um, certain feelings about the Jewish people - while discussing the Holocaust with an interviewer in 2004, Hutton Gibson said that "It's all - maybe not all fiction - but most of it is." But while Mel has previously managed to shake off accusations of anti-semitism despite a few dubious moments in his aforementioned sadistic snuff movie, I have a funny feeling - call it a hunch - that his latest comments may have spilled the beans.

Anyway, Gibson's behavior has prompted this Top 10 dramatic recreation of a scene from the upcoming "Lethal Weapon 5."




Conrad Burns

Scenario: you're a three-term incumbent Senator, and you're facing the very real prospect of losing your seat this year. What do you do? If you're Conrad Burns, the answer is simple: just go out and verbally abuse a bunch of firefighters. That should do the trick!

In July, firefighters poured into Montana in an effort to curb raging widlfires. Burns bumped into some of these firefighters at Billings Airport on July 23rd, and, according to the Missoulian, offered them his heart-felt appreciation.


Meanwhile, the Associated Press reported that Burns pointed at one of the firefighters and said, "See that guy over there? He hasn't done a god damned thing."

Just in case you think that this is an aberration, the AP also helpfully provided a list of some of Burns' previous "compassionate conservative" statements. Try these on for size:


What a caring, sharing gentleman. I do so hope that the voters of Montana won't throw him out on his ass this November.



Rick Santorum

Speaking of incumbent Senators on the verge of losing their jobs, let's check in on Rick Santorum (R-Fecal Matter) and see how he's getting along.

As the Senate's most vulnerable incumbent, Santorum is obviously becoming increasingly worried about his re-election prospects this year. So he's decided to try to branch out. Last week he became the 170th member of Congress to sign a statement "affirming that his office does not discriminate in hiring on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity," according to PageOneQ. "We welcome Sen. Santorum's signature affirming the need for basic equality in his own hiring practices," said the executive director of GenderPAC. Yes indeed we do! But given Santorum's previous statements comparing homosexuality to bigamy, polygamy, incest, pedophilia, bestiality, and adultery, one wonders whether this bit of blatant pandering might just be a tad too little, too late.

Don't worry though, Santorum still has plenty of ammunition to use against his Democratic opponent Bob Casey. Well.......... actually that's not true. Which is why Santorum's supporters are now banking heavily on a Green Party candidate siphoning votes away from Casey - so much so, in fact, that according to TPM Muckraker, "Every single contributor to the Pennsylvania Green Party Senate candidate is actually a conservative - except for the candidate himself." Yes, you heard right.


Well you know what they say - if you can't win fair and square, cheat your dumb conservative butt off.



Katherine Harris

Our very-favorite-ever Conservative Idiot (aside from George W. Bush of course) is back on the list after yet another rollicking week of campaign fun. Last week it was revealed that Ms. Harris apparently hid a recent subpoena from her top advisers "prompting several staff members to quit when they found out," according to the Associated Press. Smart move! It appears that Harris also kept the subpoena from Dennis Hastert, which is a violation of House Rule VIII according to TPM Muckraker.

Meanwhile, it was recently revealed that the Florida Republican Party sent a letter to Harris earlier this year telling her that she couldn't win, and that they had decided to discontinue their support for her campaign. My goodness.


But Harris doesn't appear to be overly concerned about disappearing staffers, subpoenas, House rule violations, and the Florida GOP running away from her as fast as their little legs can carry them. Last week she announced that "We'll win, so don't listen to the prognosticators, or the pollsters - you can make a poll say anything you want. Don't be discouraged. We've done it before. We'll do it again."

According to the Examiner, "the 27 Republican women that came to hear her speak applauded and rose to their feet."

But hang on a minute. Don't listen to the pollsters? You can make a poll say anything you want? We've done it before, we'll do it again? This is starting to sound less like a campaign and more like a cry for help.



Ann Coulter

I kinda made a deal with myself not so long ago that I wouldn't put Ann Coulter on the list again unless she did something really stupid. I know, I know - she does something really stupid every week. But that's my point. I didn't want to put her on the list unless she did something really stupid. I mean, REALLY stupid.

Well guess what? Ann Coulter's on the list again this week!

On the July 25th episode of the Donny Deutsch show, the following exchange took place:


Er... what? Of all the things you could call Bill Clinton, I think "homosexual" is probably the last thing that would spring to mind. Saying Bill Clinton is gay is kinda like saying Elton John is straight. It's just plain daft.

But it all becomes much clearer if you read the transcript from the July 27th edition of Hardball:


See? She was joking. Get it?

Now, bear in mind that Matthews started off the interview by saying, "You are a controversial lady. You write beautifully. You have a brilliant brain. I stayed up last night reading your chapter on Willie Horton which was absolutely stunning in its satire, it reminded me of the young George Will."

Because there's nothing that says "stunning satire" like calling Al Gore a total fag and then adding "I'm just kidding."



Congressional Republicans

It's been almost ten years since the minimum wage was last raised, so Democrats have been fighting hard for an increase this year. Republicans, of course, think that paying people fair wages is a crime. And so last week, they pulled out all the stops to make sure that Americans on the lowest rung of the economic ladder get to enjoy that rung for a little longer.

First, House Republicans passed a minimum wage bill which would actually cut the pay of workers in several states. Er... right. Then, Senate Republicans took that bill and ran with it, essentially turning it into an opportunity to further increase the fortunes of the very richest Americans by getting rid of the Estate Tax.

Okay, let's see, the GOP's idea of raising the minimum wage involves cutting workers' pay and handing over fat piles of cash to the super-rich. Sounds about right.

Senate Democrats obviously voted against this travesty, so, sorry multi-millionaires - you're going to have to wait a little bit longer for those extra hundred dollar bills to wipe your ass with. Unfortunately, thanks to the GOP, the millions of Americans who could really use an increase in the minimum wage are going to have to wait a little longer.

Oh, I'm sorry - did I say "thanks to the GOP?" Perhaps I should mention that after the bill was voted down, Republicans immediately attempted to blame Senate Democrats for destroying the hopes and dreams of low-income Americans. "The Democrats have obstructed what heretofore had been their No. 1 issue," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist.

Wow, look at that! Democrats obstructed themselves! Astonishing. And Republicans had nothing to do with it whatsoever!

I guess putting a Democratic majority in Congress this year would be a real blow to low-income Americans, wouldn't it? So come on people, vote for the GOP this fall. After all, it's a lot more fun trying to pull yourself up by the bootstraps when there's a Republican standing on the back of your neck.



Tom DeLay

The Hammer Returns! Yes, we thought we'd seen the last of Tom DeLay after he resigned from Congress earlier this year, but his fifteen minutes apparently aren't up quite yet. Last week a federal appeals court panel ruled that DeLay cannot be replaced by another GOP candidate on the November ballot, which means that the disgraced former House Majority Leader must run, or hand the seat over to Democrat Nick Lampson.

According to the Houston Chronicle:


And the bi-partisan federal panel agreed last week that it was indeed subterfuge - unconstitutional subterfuge, to boot. I know what you're thinking: Tom DeLay? Unconstitutional subterfuge? Surely not!



Jeff Habay

Aren't you getting a bit tired of news stories that start like this? "Once considered a rising star in the local Republican Party, Jeff Habay now is Inmate 135151."

That's right - yet another Republican "rising star" checked in to Hotel Calaboose last week, just the latest in a long line of conservative crooks who've fallen afoul of the long arm of the law.

Jeff Habay, a member of the Pennsylvania state House, was sentenced to six to twelve months in Allegheny County Jail last week after a jury convicted him of "conflict of interest, finding he used state workers and resources for his political campaigns," according to the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review. "The judge also delayed imposing the sentence until Habay faced a second trial - at the time scheduled for July - on 21 separate charges of witness intimidation, making false reports to police and harassment."

The second trial will delve into allegations that Habay mailed himself an envelope full of white powder, and then tried to blame it on a political opponent. Conservative idiot?

I should say so.



U.S. Chamber of Commerce

The U.S. Chamber of Commerce has been stumping hard for Republicans in the run-up to this year's elections, and one of their recent ads for Rep. Steve Chabot of Ohio was a real winner, giving him big props for voting for the Medicare prescription drug coverage plan.

There's just one slight problem - Chabot didn't actually vote for the plan. In fact, he kinda voted against it.

According to the Associated Press, "Chabot's office said the business group was acting independently and he has asked the ads to stop. When told that Chabot voted against the bill the chamber was praising him for supporting, spokesman David Felipe said he would have to check on the details. The chamber did not immediately call back with comment."

Funny that - you'd think it wouldn't take that long to "check on the details." Try ten seconds on Google, for example.



George W. Bush

And finally, I have a confession to make: I watched every episode of American Idol last season. I'm not kidding. I love that show. It doesn't get more American than American Idol. I mean, sure, it's a rip-off of the British show Pop Idol, but that's okay.

I'm not the only one. Millions upon millions of Americans get their weekly dose of reality-dodging by immersing themselves in the trials and tribulations of a dozen hopefuls all vying to be the one who doesn't end up performing at the Rusty Rudder in Dewey Beach, Delaware.

So it made perfect sense for "man of the people" George W. Bush to meet with the Idol finalists in the Oval Office two weeks ago. After all, while the entire Middle East goes to shit, gas prices go through the roof, and the economy starts to collapse, what says "I'm in touch" like a photo-op with a bunch of soon-to-be-never-heard-of-again singers from a TV show that ended three months ago?


Left to right: Hunky, Dopey, Father Ted, Beyonce Lite, Dubya, Dorky, Boobster, Homophobe, Pantene Pro-V, and Twin Diesel.
Be on the lookout for that approval rating to smash through the 40% barrier any day now. See you next week!

-- EarlG