The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 258

September 4, 2006
Secretary of Defamation Edition

So what's new in the world of conservative idiocy? Well, Donald Rumsfeld (1) has smeared 63% of Americans, Conrad Burns (2) has put his foot in it again, and Joe Lieberman (3) is leaning ever-further to the right. Meanwhile, George W. Bush goes (4) photo-op crazy, the big day is almost upon Katherine Harris (6), and we introduce our new Top 10 feature, "Conservative Morals and Values Update." Don't forget the key!



Donald Rumsfeld

A recent Newsweek poll shows that 63 percent of the American people disapprove of the way Bush is handling the situation in Iraq. And last week Donald Rumsfeld came up with an interesting new way to describe that large majority of Americans:


So basically Don Rumsfeld has just compared 63 percent of the American people to Nazi appeasers. Now that's what I call an election strategy!

Regular readers of the Top 10 will know that I have previously offered my awesome political consulting services to Sen. Mike DeWine of Ohio (see Idiots 253). This week I have decided to create a special ad campaign for the RNC based on Don Rumsfeld's new line of thinking. Check it out...












I think this would be a smashing success for Republicans in November!

Seriously, I think they might actually use this.



Conrad Burns

While we're on the subject of Republicans making bizarre statements, let's check in on Sen. Conrad Burns, who has been in fine form lately (see Idiots 254 and 257). Last week Burns warned us of the latest threat to America:


That's right folks - as if you didn't have enough to worry about, you now need to keep your eyes peeled for Al Qaeda's Taxi Driver Brigade. Here's a quick checklist to help you spot the terrorists:

• Does your taxi driver have dark skin?


• Does he have a scary name like "Mohammed"?


• Is he wearing a funny-looking hat?


• Does he have an unusual accent?

If you answered "yes" to any two of the above, then you should call the police and report your taxi driver immediately. You never know what he might get up to after the sun goes down.



Joe Lieberman

As the Senate campaign in Connecticut progresses, Joe Lieberman is showing his true colors. A recent Fox News report on Lieberman's candidacy pondered whether his independent run will hurt Democratic candidates in other Connecticut elections. Joe's response?

"Well, I guess I could say they should have thought of that during the primary, but here we are."

There you have it: "They should have thought of that during the primary." So much for Joe's blather about remaining a true Democrat and sticking with the party. He knows that his candidacy could help Republican candidates in Connecticut, and his response is to chuckle with glee at the damage he's doing. You should now have no doubt that Joe Lieberman is in this race for one reason and one reason only: to feed his own enormous ego.

Meanwhile, Kos notes that Lieberman will "caucus with whoever can offer him the best deal." According to the Associated Press, an recent internal memo from a senior Lieberman aide to top staffers read, "We should discuss his schedule when he's in DC and whether it makes sense to go to Caucus events, etc. or not."

Kos writes, "Party leaders who try to play nice with him are being played for suckers. Lieberman already turned back on promises to stick with the Democratic Party in return for their support in the primary, and there's nothing he could say that he wouldn't toss by the wayside if it wasn't in his interest."

Meanwhile, Lieberman is getting fresh support from a spin-off of the infamous Swift Boat Veterans For Truth. The newly-formed Vets For Freedom is, according to the New York Times, an "independent group" that has, er, "ties to top Republican leaders."


"Independent" with "ties to top Republican leaders?" Yup. That sounds like Joe all right.



George W. Bush

Our Great Leader, master of the photo-op, is planning another Phil-Collins-At-Live-Aid-style tribute to the victims of 9/11. According to NY1, "George W. Bush is scheduled to visit all three sites of the terror attacks of September 11th, 2001 on the fifth anniversary of that day."

Impressive! Hey, while he's at it, maybe he could fit in a quick trip to that Florida school room and recreate the moment where he sat on his ass doing nothing. Then he could return to Washington via air force bases in Louisiana and Nebraska. Just a thought.

Since terrorism is the GOP's one and only campaign issue this fall it obviously makes perfect sense for Bush to go drape himself all over Ground Zero and the Pentagon. But it is interesting to note that his reaction to that other anniversary of a terrible event which killed many hundreds of Americans - Hurricane Katrina - has been somewhat different. Although Bush did show up on the Gulf Coast for a photo-op (you could tell it was a photo-op because he wore that stupid blue shirt with the rolled up sleeves to make it look like he was actually doing some work), he also cautioned against "placing too much importance" on the anniversary of Katrina, according to a recent story by the Associated Press.


I dunno, perhaps Our Great Leader is just confused because he's allegedly spending so much of his time these days reading books. According to a story in U.S. News & World Report, "White House aides say the president has read 60 books so far this year."

Based on the twelve books listed by U.S News & World Report, one of Dan Froomkin's readers did a little math:


Of course, the reader fails to take into account that a large portion of Bush's 60-book list was taken up by The Pet Goat Vols. I - XLIII.



ABC

You won't see any of Bush's dithering in ABC's new 9/11 "docudrama," mind you. "The Path to 9/11," which ABC will broadcast next weekend, points out exactly who was to blame for the tragedy: Bill Clinton.

Here's what Think Progress has to say about "The Path to 9/11":


Mmm, truthiness. So Clinton turned down frequent opportunities to stop Bin Laden in the 90s? Yeah, right. And he did nothing about terrorism during his presidency? Yeah, right.

I wonder if the infamous August 6th, 2001, presidential daily briefing entitled "Bin Laden determined to strike in US," or Condoleezza Rice saying, "I don't think anybody could have predicted that these people would take an airplane and slam it into the World Trade Center," will make it into ABC's "just-the-facts" drama?

Incidentally, for those of you who like to keep track of the Blame Clinton Firsters, you'll enjoy this recent letter to the editor about Hurricane Andrew in the Chicago Tribune. "August 24 has come and gone. Not a word about that historical date in the news. August 24, 1992. The 14th anniversary of this tragic event. Head scratcher, huh?" writes the author.

"Why didn't the press indict the President for incompetence immediately before Andrew hit? OK, then. How about immediately afterward? Could it be that the President was that media darling, the do-nothing right, the do-nothing at all, Mr. Clinton? It took Clinton until the following year to upgrade Federal Emergency Management Agency to a cabinet level position."

A head scratcher indeed. Perhaps it's because Hurricane Andrew hit on August 24, 1992, and Bill Clinton didn't become president until January 20, 1993.



Katherine Harris

Run, Katherine, Run! Yes folks, the Big Primary is this Tuesday, and I wait with bated breath to find out whether or not I'll have another couple months of fun at Katherine Harris's expense.

Last week I noted that Harris had announced the separation of church and state to be "a lie" and that God didn't want America to be "a nation of secular laws." She also mentioned that non-Christian lawmakers would "legislate sin." Harris later explained that, hey, she was talking to a group of Christians - so what's the problem? Oh yes, and despite what she just said, "My rallying cry has always been people of all faiths should be involved." What a buffoon.

Anyway, it turns out that Katherine later clarified the clarification to her clarification by telling the crowd at a Pasco County gun show that the Ten Commandments are "how all of our laws originated in the United States, period. I think that's the basis of our rule of law."

Gee, now I'm really confused. Isn't the first commandment "Thou shalt have no other gods before me?" I wonder how that squares with "My rallying cry has always been people of all faiths should be involved."

Anyway, the good news is that Bill Nelson is now leading Katherine Harris by 63% to 20% in a recent Strategic Vision poll. The even better news is that Katherine Harris is leading her opponents in the primary campaign by 17 points - although in a worrisome turn of events, "support for two of her challengers continues to build," according to the Orlando Sentinel.

So come on, Katherine. I've got my fingers crossed for you this Tuesday. Don't let me down. You're comedy gold.



Jonathan Frist

Senator Bill Frist is a real family man, ever-concerned with morals and values and the problems facing our nation's youth. In a recent blog entry on his VOLPAC website, Frist wrote, "I know I sometimes wear you out on political issues, so forgive me for opening today with family. But keeping our families safe and preserving family values are fundamental to politics and government."

Frist then went on to recount "a magnificent family weekend." Presumably it wasn't the same weekend that this happened:


That's Bill's son Jonathan on the left. Wearing a beer holster over his Confederate army pants.

Now, I know what you're thinking. I shouldn't rag on Jonathan Frist. Hey, didn't we all like to party when we were kids? He's young, he's having fun; don't have a go at him just because his dad is a raging hypocrite.

And that's fair enough - I mean, even I still go out on the town wearing my Confederate army pants and trusty beer holster from time to time. So to conclude this entry, I'll just quote from this Sunday Times article on the lessons that politicians' children have learned about family values:


Ah, kids.



Bill Frist

And speaking of Dr. Sen. Bill Frist, a clearer picture is now emerging of why Frist famously bungled the Terri Schiavo case (see Idiots 202) and has been spending much of his time lately practicing his love with gorillas (see Idiots 245).

Last week the Associated Press reported that Frist "may not have met all the requirements needed to keep his medical license active - even though he gave paperwork to Tennessee officials indicating that he had."

Whoops!


I'm must admit I'm a little confused. How can Frist not know whether he's completed his continuing education or not?

Perhaps he's trying to figure out whether killing cats counts towards the required 40 hours.



Tom Adams

Stories about Republican child abusers seem to crop up so regularly in the Top 10 that I've decided it's time to create a special separate category for them. From now on, rather than giving these assholes a valuable slot on the list, I'll be placing them in the "Conservative Morals and Values Update" file. This week it's the turn of Tom Adams, the former mayor of Green Oaks, IL, who was recently charged with "16 counts of distribution of child porn and 17 counts of possession of child porn." According to the Chicago Tribune:




Conservative Sock Puppets

Sock puppets? Yes, sock puppets. For those of you not familiar with the intricacies of message board and blog posting, here's how it works. You post your brilliant thoughts for public consumption, but for some bizarre reason you get a bunch of negative comments. Why, those people must be fools! What to do? Simple: anonymously create a second account and use it to puff yourself up while taking on your detractors. You get to keep your hands clean and tell all those disagreeable bastards what you think of them. Et voila - a sock puppet is born.

Unfortunately if someone catches you out, well, you end up looking like a massive tool. And last week two prominent conservatives got busted.

First, Lee Siegel of The New Republic was caught using a sock puppet called "sprezzatura" to attack critics on his blog. Here's an example of the sort of thing that Siegel liked to post about himself:


Insecure? Immature? Fragile egos? Hmm. I believe that's what they call "projection." Fortunately The New Republic got wise to the antics of their "powerful critic" and gave him the boot.

Meanwhile, Rochester City Council member and mayoral candidate Pat Carr (yes, he's a Republican) was also caught with his pants down. Carr made a habit of replying to himself on the Rochester Post-Bulletin's website under the username "127179." According to the Post-Bulletin:


When caught, Carr proclaimed, "If people want to trash me, I have the right to stand up and defend myself. I stand by what I said."

Wow. That's, er, brave of him.



Robert Starcevich

And finally, I'm sure most people are by now familiar with the work of the Freeway Blogger. For several years he has been placing large signs adjacent to highways and byways nationwide, displaying political messages such as "The war is a lie" and "Quagmire accomplished." The Freeway Blogger provides a How-To for other aspiring freeway bloggers, takes care to stress safety when placing signs, and discusses the legality of his actions on his website. He suggests that you "call your local department of transportation to find out more."

One thing that the Freeway Blogger does not do is permanently damage any structures. His signs are easily removable and cannot be considered vandalism. Unfortunately this part of the equation has apparently been lost on Robert Starcevich of Askov, MN.

72-year-old Starcevich was recently arrested and charged with felony criminal damage after allegedly painting "crude grafitti" all over highway bridges and roads in Pine County, according to the Minneapolis Star-Tribune. The messages are almost as clever as the Freeway Blogger's. For example, there's "GEORGE W." That's a good one. Then there's "SUPPORT R TROOPS" with the S's painted backwards. And my personal favorite, "ABORT DUMA-CRAPS."

Repairs are estimated to cost $10,000. If convicted, Starcevich faces "up to five years in prison, a $10,000 fine, or both." And when the Star-Tribune called him to ask about his activities, he explained that "Liberals are the anals of America." I'm not kidding.

See you next week!

-- EarlG