The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 265

October 23, 2006
Bad Hobbit Edition

This week on the list: Rick Santorum (1) compares Iraq to Middle-earth. Peter King (2) thinks Baghdad is like Manhattan. And George W. Bush (4,10) dishonors the troops and stumps for a Republican sleaze ball on National Character Counts Week. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!

UPDATE: If you're wondering where number 9 has gone this week, it was supposed to be Brent K. Schepp, Republican candidate for the Kane County Board (Illinois), who was recently arrested on charges of child molestation. After the list was published, I found out that Mr. Schepp drove his car into a bridge support late last week, killing himself. So I've removed the entry from the list. -- EarlG



Rick Santorum

Did you know that in his lifetime, Sen. Rick Santorum has read at least one book? Hard to believe, I know. And I'm not talking about the Bible - it's pretty obvious he's never read that.

Funnily enough, the book in question isn't one that's likely to show up on the reading lists of many in Santorum's circle, like our old friend James Dobson. That's because it's full of wizardry, magic, orcs, and goblins. Not exactly Focus On The Family approved reading material. I'm talking of course about The Lord Of The Rings.

Last week, during an interview with the editorial board of the Bucks County Courier Times, Santorum said this:


So let's see if I can parse this. The "Eye of Mordor" (Sauron, representing Osama bin Laden) is focused "somewhere else" (Gondor, representing Iraq) instead of being drawn to the U.S (er, hobbits going up Mount Doom). I think I get it.

The only problem is that for Santorum's analogy to work, the rest of The Lord Of The Rings would have to go something like this....

After Sauron attacks the Shire by crashing a Winged Nazgűl into a hobbit hole, Frodo, head of the hobbits, insists that Sauron will be brought to justice. But instead of going after Sauron, Frodo claims that Denethor is stockpiling weapons of mass destruction and invades Gondor with 140,000 hobbit troops. Following an easy victory, Frodo immediately declares "mission accomplished" despite the fact that Denethor's WMDs are nowhere to be found. Frodo, feeling rather full of himself, tells Sauron to "bring it on."

Meanwhile, due to the fact that Frodo didn't have a post-invasion plan, Gondor descends into a nightmarish civil war. Back in the Shire, most hobbits want Frodo to pull the troops out and let the newly-elected government of Minas Tirith sort it out for themselves, but Frodo decries them as "cut and runners" and says that when the history of the Third Age is written, Gondor will be "just a comma." Finally, drunk on power, Frodo goes to Mordor and throws the hobbit Constitution into the Crack of Doom, declaring that anyone who messes with him will be thrown in jail without trial.

Hmm. Maybe Santorum didn't read The Lord Of The Rings after all.



Peter King

But Rep. Peter King (R-NY) has got news for Rick Santorum - Baghdad isn't like Minas Tirith at all. Duh! In fact, it's a lot more like Manhattan. King was speaking in Merrick, NY back in February, but a video of his comments has just been unearthed.

According to Think Progress:


Of course, King neglected to cite RPG attacks, improvised explosive devices, air strikes, suicide bombs, honor killings, a curfew, a lack of electricity and water, dozens of civilian deaths a day, car bombings, death squads, warring militias, and secret prisons.

But on the plus side, there aren't any strip clubs.



Curt Weldon

If you're sick of Republican sleaze, I've got bad news for you - it doesn't look like it's going to stop any time soon. On the other hand, if you think that watching Republicans drown in their own corruption is the best thing since sliced bread, I've got good news for you - it doesn't look like it's going to stop any time soon!

Pennsylvania's Centre Daily-Times reported last week that the Justice Department has launched an investigation into Rep. Curt Weldon (R-PA) because of "efforts between 2002 and 2004 to aid two Russian companies and two Serbian brothers with ties to strongman Slobodan Milosevic."

According to the Philadelphia Inquirer:


It's no wonder Weldon looks so miserable.


Mind you, if your office was in the basement with a bare bulb as the only light source, I bet you'd be miserable too.



George W. Bush

George W. Bush was out and about last week, taking part in the United States Air Force Memorial Dedication in Arlington, Virginia, just across the Potomac from Washington D.C.

Here's Our Great Leader solemnly honoring the service and sacrifice of the men and women of the United States Air Force (thanks to Delilah Boyd for grabbing the pic):


But George wasn't just there to sit around and smirk. He did a bit of speechifying too. Here's an excerpt:


That's pretty impressive, given that with a wingspan of 185 feet, you'd have a pretty hard time getting a B-52 onto an aircraft carrier. It's even more impressive when you consider that B-52s didn't actually exist until ten years after the attack on Tokyo.

But despite the fact that George W. Bush was a pilot in the Texas Air National Guard, you can't expect him to get these things right. After all, it's not like he ever showed up for duty.



Chris Wallace

Chris Wallace grabbed the number two slot in Idiots 261 for his failed ambush on Bill Clinton. If you recall, Wallace asked the former president this question:


Er, when did you stop beating your wife?

Clinton gave Wallace a long response, part of which noted that Fox News typically fails to ask members of the Bush administration questions like this:


Wallace immediately claimed that in fact he had asked members of the Bush administration about the USS Cole. Which, of course, he hadn't.

But if you recall, the first part of Wallace's question to Clinton went like this:


So here's a funny story. Last week, Condoleezza Rice appeared on Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace. It was her 24th appearance on the show since September 11, 2001. He's never asked her about the USS Cole. And since he's so keen to ask questions which are emailed to him by viewers, over the past few weeks the good people at Think Progress have encouraged their readers to email Wallace, suggesting that he ask this question of Rice:


A fair question, no? After all, Wallace insisted that he only asked the question of Bill Clinton because he "got a lot of email from viewers."

Well, more than 20,000 people responded to Think Progress's call and emailed Chris Wallace. Did he ask the question?

Er, maybe next time.



Tan Nguyen

Last week, a letter written in Spanish was sent to 14,000 Democratic voters in central Orange County, CA. The letter read in part, "You are advised that if your residence in this country is illegal or you are an immigrant, voting in a federal election is a crime that could result in jail time."

Nice attempt to suppress the vote! In fact, immigrants who have become naturalized U.S citizens are most certainly eligible to vote. They can even run for high political office. What, you thought Arnold Schwarzenegger was born in Inglewood?

State and federal officials investigated the letter and managed to track down its source: the office of Tan D. Nguyen, Republican candidate for California's 47th Congressional District. Believe it or not, even Republicans are now asking him to step down:


Ironically, Nguyen is himself an immigrant to the United States - his family left Vietnam when he was eight years old. Yet somehow I get the feeling that he won't be following the letter's advice...



Sean Hannity

Sean Hannity has got a message for Democrats this fall: don't vote! On his radio show last week, Hannity said:


If you thought the Republicans were desperate before, this has got to be the icing on the cake. Sean Hannity is now pleading with Democrats to stay home on election day? What a loser! Whatever happened to that tough, "bring it on" attitude the GOP is supposed to have? Hannity is begging Democrats not to vote?

Waah! Oh please don't vote! Give us another chance! We've only had total control of the government for years now, just because we've screwed it all up doesn't mean that you guys should express your dissatisfaction at the polls! Why, things might get better if the Democrats are in power, and we can't have that, can we?

Hannity continued:


That rotten liberal media. Always twisting Hannity's words.



The National Republican Congressional Committee

Back in September, the National Republican Congressional Committee announced that they were "planning to spend the vast majority of their sizable financial war chest over the final 60 days of the campaign attacking Democratic House and Senate candidates over personal issues and local controversies," according to the Washington Post. The bad news for Republicans is that so far, their attempts to "get personal" have been utterly lame.

For example, last week the NRCC started running an ad attacking Michael Arcuri, a Democrat who is running for Congress in upstate New York. According to Editor & Publisher:


The ad, as described by Editor & Publisher, goes like this:


Uh oh! A juicy sex scandal involving a Democrat, just two and a half weeks before the elections! That could spell trouble - if it wasn't a massive distortion of the truth.

Arcuri's campaign released phone records last week showing that they did indeed call an 800-number sex line from a hotel room - and exactly one minute later, the same phone dialed the state Department of Criminal Justice Services. Guess what? The last seven digits of the state Department of Criminal Justice Services number are identical to the last seven digits of the 800 sex line.

So Arcuri's campaign mis-dialed a phone number, hung up immediately, and then called the correct number. But of course this hasn't stopped the NRCC from running TV ads claiming that Arcuri is some kind of sex fiend.

I hope the NRCC enjoys the libel lawsuit that Arcuri is about to slap them with.



George W. Bush

And finally, did you know that last week was National Character Counts Week? That's right - it was declared so by official White House proclamation.

"Our Nation was built on a foundation of sound moral principles," read the proclamation, signed by George W. Bush. "During this week, we should reflect on the national character we inherited from our forefathers and on the obligation we now have to stand for morality and virtue in the face of evil and terror."

And what better way to celebrate National Character Counts Week than to stump for a Republican candidate who cheated on his wife and was accused of strangling his mistress? Yes, last week George W. Bush went to Pennsylvania's 10th District to campaign for Rep. Don Sherwood, "who last year settled a $5.5 million lawsuit alleging that he beat his mistress during a five-year affair," according to the Washington Post. (See Idiots 197, 207, and 220 for more details.)

Bush said he was "pleased to be here" and that Don Sherwood "has got a record of accomplishment." That's one way to put it, I guess.

Not that Bush really wanted to be there. According to the Post:


You have to wonder how much worse it can get when the only person who wants to be seen in public with the president is an alleged mistress-strangler. But I guess our George will take the work where he can get it.

See you next week, and don't forget - character counts!

-- EarlG