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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
Posted by top10 in Editorials & Other Articles
Sun Jan 21st 2007, 11:35 PM

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 275

January 22, 2007
Buffaloed Bill Edition

It's Top 10 time again! This week, Bill O'Reilly (1) gets the Colbert treatment - and apparently thinks that it must be fun to get kidnapped. Meanwhile, Frank Hargrove (2) is so over slavery, The Pentagon (3,6) is reintroducing witch trials, and Alberto Gonzales (4,5) thinks judges are a waste of time. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!

Bill O'Reilly dumb dumb

Our old friend Bill O'Reilly made a very foolish mistake last week: he tried to go toe to toe with Stephen Colbert. The unfortunate (for O'Reilly) results can be seen here and here.

But getting hosed by Colbert was probably enjoyable for the Falafel Master after the firestorm of criticism he received earlier in the week. The trouble began when Bill decided to offer up his opinion on the case of Shawn Hornbeck, the missing Missouri boy who was recently found alive. At the age of 11, Hornbeck was allegedly kidnapped by Michael Devlin and held for four years. Over two nights on "The O'Reilly Factor," Bill's musings included the following:

"...the question is, why didn't he escape when he could have? There are all kinds of theories about that. Joining us now from Washington, Greta Van Susteren, who has been out to Missouri reporting on the case. All right, you know, the Stockholm syndrome thing, I don't buy it. I've never bought it. I didn't think it happened in the Patty Hearst case. I don't think it happened here."

"I'm not buying this. If you're 11 years old or 12 years old, 13, and you have a strong bond with your family, OK, even if the guy threatens you, this and that, you're riding your bike around, you got friends. The kid didn't go to school. There's all kinds of stuff. If you can get away, you get away. All right? If you're 11."

"The situation here for this kid looks to me to be a lot more fun than what he had under his old parents. He didn't have to go to school. He could run around and do whatever he wanted."

"I think when it all comes down, what's going to happen is, there was an element here that this kid liked about his circumstances."

"I actually hope I'm wrong about Shawn Hornbeck. I hope he did not make a conscious decision to accept his captivity because Devlin made things easy for him. No school, play all day long."

Don't worry Bill, you're wrong about everything else, no reason to think that this case will be any different.

Predictably, Bill's comments were received poorly, with everyone from Keith Olbermann to Time Magazine smacking down the old duffer. So who is O'Reilly blaming for this mess? You guessed it - it's all the fault of the "far-left smear Web sites." Now why am I not surprised?

Frank Hargrove racism religious nut

The Virginia House of Delegates recently debated a resolution apologizing on behalf of the state to the descendants of slaves, which did not sit too well with Del. Frank Hargrove (R-Obviously) of Glen Allen. You see, Hargrove is of the opinion that that whole "slavery" thing is all in the past, and as he told the Daily Progress last week, "the present commonwealth has nothing to do with slavery."

He then went on to add, "I personally think that our black citizens should get over it. ... Are we going to force the Jews to apologize for killing Christ?"

Yeah. He actually said that.

Several of Hargrove's fellow delegates decided to object to this on the floor of the state house. Here's what happened next:

Del. Frank D. Hargrove, R-Glen Allen, responded to a tearful Jewish delegate from Alexandria whose ancestors came to America from Nazi-occupied Poland by telling him, "I think your skin was a little too thin."

Stunned delegates gasped as Hargrove responded with two comments about "thin skin"to his seatmate, Del. David L. Englin, D-Alexandria, who had spoken moments earlier about his family having been "driven from their homes by people who believed that as Jews, we killed Christ."

Shocking stuff - but not to House GOP Leader H. Morgan Griffith. Griffith later said of Hargrove's little tirade, "I know he didn't mean offense, but I can see how people would be offended ... The general gist of Frank's comments is he certainly didn't mean any offense to his seatmate, whom he likes."

Sure he likes him! Apart from the fact that his people killed Jesus. And he's friends with black people, who should get over slavery. But hey, no offense!

The Pentagon unconstitutional

More exciting news from the War On Terror this week as we learn that the Pentagon has introduced new rules for the trials of suspected terrorists. These new rules could allow the accused to be "convicted and perhaps executed using hearsay testimony and coerced statements," according to the Associated Press.

Let me get that whole "of course we should actively pursue and capture terrorists" thing out of the way before adding, HELLO! Convicting people based on hearsay and coerced statements?

At a Pentagon briefing, Dan Dell'Orto, deputy to the Defense Department's top counsel, said the new rules will "afford all the judicial guarantees which are recognized as indispensable by civilized people."

Yes, sure, apart from that whole "innocent until proven guilty" thing which is so pre-9/11.

Tell you what, why don't we take the suspected terrorist and throw him into a lake. If the accused sinks to the bottom and drowns, then he is innocent and can go free. If, on the other hand, the accused floats, then he is obviously a terrorist and should be immediately burned at the stake.

Alberto Gonzales unconstitutional

Apparently I'm not the only one who thinks that doing away with trials would be a great idea...

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales says federal judges are unqualified to make rulings affecting national security policy, ramping up his criticism of how they handle terrorism cases.

In remarks prepared for delivery Wednesday, Gonzales says judges generally should defer to the will of the president and Congress when deciding national security cases.

Yes, that's right. The Attorney General of the United States thinks that judges should defer to the will of the president (and Congress - ha ha, yeah, sure!) on national security cases. Makes sense. I mean, who better to decide national security cases than The Decider himself?

Here's how it used to work under the crappy old "separation of powers" system: you have three branches of government - the legislative branch, which writes the laws; the executive branch, which enforces the laws; and the judicial branch, which interprets the laws. But in a post-9/11 world, I think you'll have to agree that that's a pretty stupid system.

See, when you have a bunch of people in prison who are accused of terrorism with no evidence to go on but the statement you got from some other suspected terrorist after you waterboarded him, it just makes sense to skip that whole "judicial branch" bit. Those activist judges are far too keen to get in the way of the president's efforts to protect America.

In fact, perhaps we should just put the judicial branch in prison. I'm sure it wouldn't be too hard to find some hearsay evidence that would convict them all.

Alberto Gonzales (and Arlen Specter) cronyism

Perhaps that's taking things a bit too far. After all, why scrap the judicial system when you can simply stuff it with stooges? Last week, U.S. Attorney Carol Lam was fired by Alberto Gonzales for... well, apparently for not being a classmate of George W. Bush. According to the San Diego Union-Tribune, "Lam's strong record of fighting political corruption and drug kingpins certainly did not provide any grounds for her dismissal."

The good news is that her likely replacement, Pat Shea, is a former classmate of George W. Bush. They went to Harvard together. Shea says that "he and the president remain in regular contact with each other and he voices keen interest in the job of U.S. attorney." How convenient!

Oh, did I mention that it was Carol Lam who successfully prosecuted former GOP congressman Randy "Duke" Cunningham? Tsk tsk. Can't have rogue attorneys running around putting prominent Republicans in jail, can we.

If Pat Shea is nominated to replace Carol Lam, he'll have to face the brutal Senate confirmation process. Well, technically he won't actually have to face it, because thanks to Arlen Specter a last-second provision was magically inserted into the Patriot Act which says that the president can bypass the Senate confirmation process and indefinitely appoint an "interim" U.S attorney.

I say again, how convenient! This White House just gets all the luck.

Oh, and by the way: Lam was just one of six U.S. attorneys who were recently purged by the Attorney General. Hmm.

The Pentagon snooping

So, now that suspected terrorists can be convicted and executed based on hearsay and coerced testimony, perhaps we should take a quick look at who these suspected terrorists might be. Warning: it could be you.

A Defense Department database devoted to gathering information on potential threats to military facilities and personnel, known as Talon, had 13,000 entries as of a year ago -- including 2,821 reports involving American citizens, according to an internal Pentagon memo to be released today by the American Civil Liberties Union.

The Pentagon memo says an examination of the system led to the deletion of 1,131 reports involving Americans, 186 of which dealt with "anti-military protests or demonstrations in the U.S."


The number of deleted reports far exceeds the estimate provided to The Washington Post just over a year ago by senior officials of Counterintelligence Field Activity (CIFA), the Defense Department agency that manages the Talon program. At that time, then-CIFA Director David A. Burtt II said the review had disclosed that only 1 percent of the then 12,500 Talon reports appeared to be problematic.

Perhaps George W. Bush should just cut to the chase and declare martial law. It would be so much easier to keep the rabble under control.

The White House cowardice

Last year's White House Press Correspondents' Dinner didn't go too well for George W. Bush, when he was politely demolished by Stephen Colbert. In case you've forgotten how much George enjoyed the roast, let me refresh your memory.

So this year the White House is making sure that Dubya's precious bubble remains intact - they've hired impressionist Rich Little to entertain the crowd. Those of you younger than a certain age may now be asking the pertinent question... Rich Who? Let's turn to Wikipedia to find out...

One of his best known impressions is of US President Richard Nixon. During the 1970s, Little made many television appearances portraying Nixon. He was a regular guest on Dean Martin's Celebrity Roasts in the 1970s and was also a regular on The Julie Andrews Hour in 1973. He was named Comedy Star of the Year by the American Guild of Variety Artists in 1974. He hosted The ABC Comedy Hour (also known as KopyKats) in 1972, The Rich Little Show in 1976, and The New You Asked For It in 1981.

Of course, that might not be much help to those of you younger than a certain age, who are probably now scratching your heads wondering who Dean Martin and Julie Andrews are.

But don't worry about that. According to his website, Little also does killer impressions of David Niven, Mel Torme, and Ross Perot. Still in the dark? Then stop by one of Little's live shows. Next week he's at the Soboba Casino in San Jacinto, CA, followed by the North Iowa Community Auditorium in Mason City. I'm not kidding.

George W. Bush batshit crazy

Let's get back to Our Great Leader and his Great Iraq Fiasco for a moment. Last week George appeared on PBS's "NewsHour with Jim Lehrer" to explain why he was sending an additional 21,000 troops to Iraq when everybody - including Iraqi prime minister al-Maliki - thinks its a terrible idea. Check out this short transcript and see if the president's eloquence can change your mind:

MR. LEHRER: Is there a little bit of a broken egg problem here, Mr. President, that there is instability and there is violence in Iraq - sectarian violence, Iraqis killing other Iraqis, and now the United States helped create the broken egg and now says, okay, Iraqis, it's your problem. You put the egg back together, and if you don't do it quickly and you don't do it well, then we'll get the hell out.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Yeah, you know, that's an interesting question. I don't quite view it as the broken egg; I view it as the cracked egg --

MR. LEHRER: Cracked egg?

PRESIDENT BUSH: -- that - where we still have a chance to move beyond the broken egg. And I thought long and hard about the decision, Jim. Obviously it's a big decision for this theater in the war on terror, and you know, if I didn't believe we could keep the egg from fully cracking, I wouldn't ask 21,000 kids - additional kids to go into Iraq to reinforce those troops that are there.

In case you were wondering, yes, George W. Bush is mentally unstable.

Fox News partisanship partisanship

Roll up, roll up - I've got yer fair and balanced right here! Last week on "Fox and Friends," Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-Naturally) announced that he is forming an exploratory committee for the 2008 presidential race. Here's how it played out, as reported by the inimitable News Hounds:

A co-host of "Fox and Friends" could not hide his enthusiasm for a Republican presidential hopeful, bursting into applause when the man's announcement of an exploratory commitee for the 2008 race was made. ...

Rep. Tom Tancredo, R-Colorado, announced on "Fox and Friends" Tuesday (January 16, 2007) that he is forming an exploratory committee to seek the GOP 2008 presidential nomination.

Tancredo appeared in two back-to-back segments on "Fox and Friends" where he touted his "common sense agenda," which was mostly an attack on immigrants, legal or not. Attacks on immigrants are a staple of "Fox and Friends" content.

"Thanks for picking our venue," fawned co-host Brian Kilmeade.

Co-host Steve Doocy also helpfully reminded Tancredo of the need to raise money, prompting Tancredo to give out his web-page address.

That wasn't the end, however. Co-host Gretchen Carlson led the news update with Tancredo's announcement just a minute later. And then Doocy claimed to have received an email from a viewer who said he had just set Tancredo a $100 donation.

I should probably point out that this happened on the same morning Barack Obama announced that he was forming an exploratory committee, which for some strange reason got absolutely no mention whatsoever on "Fox and Friends." Can it possibly get any more fair and balanced than this?

Ted Nugent (and Rick Perry) racism gun nut batshit crazy

And finally... it's been a while since The Nuge made the list, but he's back with a bang this week after Gov. Rick Perry of Texas made the foolish mistake of inviting Nugent to play his inaugural ball. Let's just say it didn't go too well.

Hours after Gov. Rick Perry kicked off his second full term in office, Ted Nugent helped him celebrate at a black-tie gala, but not all attendees were pleased by the rocker's performance.

Using machine guns as props, Nugent, 58, appeared onstage as the final act of the inaugural ball wearing a cutoff T-shirt emblazoned with the Confederate flag and shouting offensive remarks about non-English speakers, according to people who were in attendance.

Gee... who could have predicted that would happen? Ted Nugent? Toting guns, a confederate flag, and shouting racist remarks? I'm shocked, shocked I tell ya!

See you next week!

-- EarlG
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