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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
 The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 286 April 9, 2007 Market Forces Edition Welcome to the 286th edition of the Top 10 Conservative Idiots. This week there's yet another double dose of idiocy from John McCain (1,3) although his rival Mitt Romney (2) clearly wants in on the action and manages to pander his way into the number two slot. Meanwhile, the Pelosi Haters (5) along with their dear friends the Troop Haters (7) are out in force, and Judith Giuliani (8) is, er, a puppy murderer. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!  John McCain (and Mike Pence)    Last week I was rather mean to John McCain for suggesting that "There are neighborhoods in Baghdad where you and I could walk through those neighborhoods today ... General Petraeus goes out there almost every day in an unarmed Humvee. You want to -- I think you ought to catch up." (See Idiots 285.) Well this week I want to apologize to the senator, because he put his money where his mouth is and actually traveled to Baghdad with a few of his colleagues to prove the skeptics wrong. Here are Sens. McCain and Graham enjoying a nice stroll through a Baghdad market.  I know what you're thinking... isnt' that body armor they're wearing? Of course not! The senators are actually sporting baby slings, because Baghdad is so safe that you never know when a smiling Iraqi mother is going to to run up to you and ask you to carry her infant down the street. Okay, it's body armor. Anyway, it turns out that McCain's market stroll was remarkably peaceful. Sure, his delegation was protected by 100 American soldiers, three Blackhawks, and two Apache gunships. And the market was only a three minute drive from the Green Zone. And yes, the merchants at the market did say things like, "What are they talking about?" and, "The security procedures were abnormal!" and, "They paralyzed the market when they came," and, "This was only for the media." And to be fair, just half an hour after McCain's delegation left, the area was attacked by mortars. And okay, the day after McCain's market stroll, snipers were back in action, and 21 of the market workers were kidnapped, tied up, driven out of Baghdad, and shot dead. But never mind all that. According to Rep. Mike Pence, who was travelling with McCain, the market was "like a normal outdoor market in Indiana in the summertime." Hmm. Remind me not visit Indiana this summer.  Mitt Romney  Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney was in New Hampshire last week on a mission to bolster his conservative credientials. Did he succeed? You be the judge. During a Q&A session in Keene, NH, Romney pounced on a man wearing an NRA hat. "I purchased a gun when I was a young man," gushed Mitt. "I've been a hunter pretty much all my life." He sure has! When he was fifteen (in 1962), Romney went rabbit hunting with his cousins. Then, last year (in 2006), he shot quail on a fenced game preserve during a Republican Governors Association junket in Georgia. According to the Associated Press: An aide said Wednesday that Romney was not trying to mislead anyone, although he confirmed Romney had been hunting only on those occasions in his life. Now, it could be argued that going hunting once in 1962 and once again in 2006 doesn't really mean that you've been a hunter "pretty much all your life," in fact it means that you've been hunting twice in the past 45 years. But let's not be too mean about Mitt's lame attempt to spin his dubious hunting credentials. After all, he is a lifetime member of the NRA. He, er, joined last August.  John McCain   2007's first quarter presidential campaign fundraising totals were released last week, and poor John McCain barely even showed up. McCain raised $12.5 million, compared to Mitt Romney, who brought in $23 million, and Rudy Giuliani, who raised $15 million. By the way, did I mention that Rudy Giuliani has been married more times than Mitt Romney has been hunting? Anyway, Sen. McCain had a good explanation for his poor showing. "We've been very busy in the Senate on Iraq and other issues," he said. "But also, we haven't done a good enough job." Busy in the Senate? That's odd. According to the Arizona Republic: Sen. John McCain's campaign for the White House has pulled him away from his day job more often than any other presidential candidate in the Senate. An Arizona Republic analysis of voting records found that McCain has missed 42 votes this session. That's 33 percent of the 126 roll-call votes that had been held before lawmakers left town Friday for a weeklong Easter recess. Only Sen. Tim Johnson, D-S.D., has missed more votes than McCain, a contender for the GOP nomination. So let me get this straight: McCain says his fundraising didn't go well because he's been so busy in the Senate, but he's actually been campaiging so much that he's missed more votes than any senator except for the one who's been in hospital recovering from a brain hemorrhage. Why do I get the feeling that it won't be long before John McCain is asking for campaign tips from Katherine Harris? Actually, it looks like he already is. On Friday McCain announced that he "regrets comments he made after a tour of Baghdad last Sunday, when he said he could see progress and the American people were not being told the 'good news' about the war." He said, "Of course I am going to misspeak and I've done it on numerous occasions and I probably will do it in the future." On Saturday, McCain's campaign revealed that he "will launch a high-profile effort next week to convince Americans that the Iraq war is winnable, embracing the unpopular conflict with renewed vigor as he attempts to reignite his stalling bid for the presidency." And on Sunday, McCain wrote a Washington Post op-ed in which he said of Bush's "surge" plan, "As every sensible observer has concluded, the consequences of failure in Iraq are so grave and so threatening for the region, and to the security of the United States, that to refuse to give Petraeus's plan a chance to succeed would constitute a tragic failure of American resolve." Every sensible observer, eh? That should play well in Iowa, given that a recent Strategic Vision poll shows that, believe it or not, 52% of Republican caucus-goers think we should pull out of Iraq within six months. It's a shame McCain probably isn't going to win the nomination. He'd be so easy to beat in the general election, it's not even funny.  George W. Bush  But perhaps I'm being too harsh on John McCain. After all, George W. Bush's strategy to win the war really does seem to be working. Take a look at this CBS news story from July 2006: This is a story about an entire city that was taken over by al Qaeda. It's called Tal Afar and about 200,000 people who live there became prisoners in their own homes when terrorists took control and turned it into their town. They used Tal Afar as a base to train insurgents and launch attacks around Iraq. Last fall, as correspondent Lara Logan found out when she traveled there, U.S. and Iraqi forces were determined to recapture Tal Afar, and the Bush administration has pointed to that operation as a model for how to fight and win the rest of the war. Indeed they had. Here's Our Great Leader speaking in Washington, DC, a few months earlier: Last week in Cleveland, I told the American people about the northern Iraqi city of Tal Afar, which was once a key base of operations for al Qaeda and is now a free city that gives us reason to hope for a free Iraq. I explained how the story of Tal Afar gives me confidence in our strategy, because in that city we see the outlines of the Iraq we've been fighting for, a free and secure people who are getting back on their feet, who are participating in government and civic life, and are becoming allies in the fight against the terrorists. So, one year on, how are things going in Tal Afar? A suicide truck bombing in the northern city of Tal Afar last week is the deadliest single attack since the Iraq war began in 2003, a high-ranking Iraqi Interior Ministry official said Monday as a new death toll for the blast surfaced. The Wednesday attack -- in which a truck packed with 4,000 pounds (1,814 kilograms) of explosives detonated in a Shiite area of the city -- was initially blamed for 85 deaths, according to an Iraqi army officer in Tal Afar who estimated the death toll Thursday. Hundreds of others were wounded. But the Interior Ministry official said Monday that the death toll was 152, making it the war's deadliest single attack. In a separate and apparently retaliatory attack, gunmen stormed homes in a Sunni area of the city, killing 70 people and wounding 30, according to the army officer. Forty others were kidnapped. See? The strategy is working! Freedom is on the march! The insurgency is in its last throes! La la la la la I can't hear yoooooo.........  Pelosi Haters  Wingnuts everywhere were in full-on froth mode last week as Nancy Pelosi visited several Middle East nations, including Syria. Complaints were loud, wide-ranging, and stupid. According to Joe Conason in Salon: In the New York Post she was accused of "making a date with a terrorist." On the NewsMax site she was portrayed as "appeasing dictators in the Middle East." In the Washington Post she was ridiculed for attempting to mount a "shadow presidency." And on CNN, she was mocked for planting a "big wet kiss" on Assad as a "publicity stunt." Meanwhile, Robert F. Turner over at the Wall Street Journal was apparently drunk enough to ask, "Did Nancy Pelosi commit a felony when she went to Syria?" (In case you were wondering, the answer is no.) Oddly enough, it turns out that Speaker Pelosi was actually accompanied by State Department officials on the trip, and as the Chicago Tribune points out, "if Pelosi really committed foreign policy flubs of the first order, the State Department is in a position to confirm as much." The White House certainly received a read-out of what exactly Pelosi and the foreign leaders said in their meetings. Significantly, the White House has not openly accused Pelosi of the foreign-policy missteps the Post had accused her of. In an e-mail follow-up, (Pelosi spokesman Brendan) Daly wrote: "WH has not said that because in fact the Speaker did not get the message wrong -- she included the necessary caveats and did not say or imply that this was a change in Israel's position." Even Mitt Romney jumped aboard the bash-Pelosi bandwagon, saying, "Her going to a state which is without question a sponsor of terror, and having her picture taken with (Bashar) Assad and being seen in a headscarf and so forth is sending the wrong signal to the people of Syria and to the people of the Middle East." Yes, how dare Pelosi wear a headscarf while visiting the Middle East?   And how dare she appease Middle Eastern dictators?  I'm shocked, shocked I tell ya! Strangely, amidst all this talk of "appeasing dictators" and "making dates with terrorists," very few people seem to have noted this rather inconvenient tid-bit: While U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's upcoming visit to Syria has caused the White House to bristle, a little-publicized rendezvous took place Sunday between Syria's president and Lancaster County's congressman. And though Bush administration officials have been criticizing Pelosi, it's not clear what role the White House and the U.S. Department of State played when U.S. Rep. Joe Pitts and two other Republican congressmen met with Syrian President Bashar Assad. Pitts is a Chester County Republican who represents Lancaster County. Gabe Neville, Pitts' chief of staff, said Monday the conference between Assad and the three Republicans was intended to be "low profile." "It was done in cooperation with the administration," he said. And while we're on the subject of inconvenient tid-bits, try this on for size: Rep. Nick Rahall (D-WV), who traveled last week with Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) as part of her delegation to the Middle East, said this morning on C-Span that Pelosi told Bush of the trip to Syria a day before they left, and Bush did not object. Rahall said, "The Speaker had met with President Bush in the halls of the U.S. Capitol just the day before we left and mentioned to him that we were going to Syria. No response at all from the President." But... but... surely these things can't be true, or the people criticizing Nancy Pelosi would be complete and utter hypocrites! Oh, right.  The Bush Administration and Friends Last week, the Department of Defense declassified a report which reveals that "Saddam Hussein's government did not cooperate with Al Qaeda prior to the U.S. invasion of Iraq," according to CBS News. What a surprise. Oh well, at least this will put a stop to the pro-war nutjobs out there who are still going around claiming otherwise. Right? Wrong! Meanwhile, Vice President Dick Cheney repeated his assertions of Al Qaeda links to Saddam's Iraq, contending that the terrorist group was operating in Iraq before the March 2003 invasion led by U.S. forces and that terrorist Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was leading the Iraqi branch of Al Qaeda. Others in Al Qaeda planned the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks. "He took up residence there before we ever launched into Iraq, organized the Al Qaeda operations inside Iraq before we even arrived on the scene and then, of course, led the charge for Iraq until we killed him last June," Cheney told radio host Rush Limbaugh during an interview Thursday. "As I say, they were present before we invaded Iraq." But still, other friends of the Bush administration seem to have stopped claiming that Iraq was connected to 9/11. Take Rudy Giuliani for example: As for Iran, Mr. Giuliani said that "in the long term," it might be "more dangerous than Iraq." He then casually lumped Iran with Al Qaeda. "Their movement has already displayed more aggressive tendencies by coming here and killing us," he said. Yes folks - that's right. According to Rudy Giuliani, it was actually Iran who did 9/11. But wait, what's this? Today on CNN, Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT) said he "strongly disagrees" with Speaker Nancy Pelosi's (D-CA) bipartisan delegation to Syria, calling it a "mistake" and "bad for the United States of America." Lieberman added, "I say this because we're in a war. We're in a war against the Islamic terrorists who attacked us on 9-11-01." Sorry - my mistake. According to Joe Lieberman, it was actually Syria who did 9/11. Tune in next week to find out which country is next in line to be be blamed for the 9/11 attacks. My money's on Mexico.  Troop Haters  Now it's time for a quick round-up of the latest conservative efforts to support the troops. First, it was revealed last week by Editor & Publisher that "Two soldiers killed in Iraq in February may have died as a result of friendly fire, Army officials said Wednesday, not from enemy fire, as the press reported." The military suspected friendly fire later in February but did not inform the dead soldiers' families of these new doubts. One of the soldiers died just hours after arriving in Iraq -- and was one of those troops rushed to the country in the "surge" who did not receive full training. That's right - the Bush administration is now sending young soldiers who haven't completed their training into battle in Iraq. Not only that, but it appears that the policy of bullshitting parents about the manner of their child's death is not just restricted to Pat Tillman's family. Meanwhile, Salon reported recently that seriously injured - and even pregnant - troops are being deployed to Fort Irwin in California: Hernandez had served two tours in Iraq, where he helped maintain communications gear in the unit's armored Bradley Fighting Vehicles. But he could not participate in war maneuvers conducted on a 1,000-square-mile mock battlefield located in the harsh Mojave Desert. Instead, when he got to California, he was led to a large tent where he would be housed. He was shocked by what he saw inside: There were dozens of other hurt soldiers. Some were on crutches, and others had arms in slings. Some had debilitating back injuries. And nearby was another tent, housing female soldiers with health issues ranging from injuries to pregnancy. Hernandez is one of a dozen soldiers who stayed for weeks in those tents who were interviewed for this report, some of whose medical records were also reviewed by Salon. All of the soldiers said they had no business being sent to Fort Irwin given their physical condition. In some cases, soldiers were sent there even though their injuries were so severe that doctors had previously recommended they should be considered for medical retirement from the Army. Military experts say they suspect that the deployment to Fort Irwin of injured soldiers was an effort to pump up manpower statistics used to show the readiness of Army units. Elsewhere, U.S. News & World Report revealed an "alarming trend: Vets' disabilities are being downgraded." In the middle of a battle in Fallujah in April 2004, an M80 grenade landed a foot away from Fred Ball. The blast threw the 26-year-old Marine sergeant 10 feet into the air and sent a piece of hot shrapnel into his right temple. Once his wound was patched up, Ball insisted on rejoining his men. For the next three months, he continued to go on raids, then returned to Camp Pendleton, Calif. But Ball was not all right. Military doctors concluded that Ball was suffering from a traumatic brain injury, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), chronic headaches, and balance problems. Ball, who had a 3.5 grade-point average in high school, was found to have a sixth-grade-level learning capability. In January of last year, the Marine Corps found him unfit for duty but not disabled enough to receive full permanent disability retirement benefits and discharged him. (snip) Fred Ball's story is just one of a shocking number of cases where the U.S. military appears to have dispensed low disability ratings to wounded service members with serious injuries and thus avoided paying them full military disabled retirement benefits. While most recent attention has been paid to substandard conditions and outpatient care at Walter Reed Army Medical Center, the first stop for many wounded soldiers stateside, veterans' advocates say that a more grievous problem is an arbitrary and dysfunctional disability ratings process that is short-changing the nation's newest crop of veterans. And lastly, conservative columnist John Derbyshire wrote last week that the British troops who were captured by Iran (and later released) displayed "cowardice." When it happened, I said I hoped the ones who'd shamed their country would be court-martialed on return to Blighty, and given dishonorable discharges after a couple years breaking rocks in the Outer Hebrides (which, believe me - I've been there - have a LOT of rocks). Now, I confess, I wouldn't shed a tear if some worse fate befell them. Congratulations, guys. You've taken "supporting the troops" to a whole new level.  Judith Giuliani  Two weeks ago Rudy Giuliani told Barbara Walters that if he became president, his wife Judith would sit in on cabinet meetings. The next day, he "clarified" his position, releasing a statement which according to the Associated Press "sought to play down his own remarks and suggested any discussion of a policy role for his wife was merely prompted by Walters' questioning." And then Rudy got snippy. The former New York City mayor is fending off increased media scrutiny of his third wife -- the former Judith Nathan. Rudy is now asking the media to back off. "Attack me all you want," Giuliani said. "There's plenty to attack me about. Please do it. But maybe, you know, show a little decency." Oh, don't worry Rudy - we'll attack you all we want. But as for showing a little decency, well, perhaps Mrs. Giuliani could have showed a little decency when her job involved demonstrating surgical staplers on live dogs. What do you think? Judith Giuliani once demonstrated surgical products for a controversial medical-supply company that used dogs - which were later killed - in operations whose only purpose was to sell equipment to doctors, The Post has learned. "It was a horribly cruel, outrageous program," Friends of Animals President Priscilla Feral said about the demonstrations of medical staplers on dogs conducted by U.S. Surgical Corp. employees during Giuliani's tenure there in the late 1970s. Feral said U.S. Surgical's demonstrations on hundreds of dogs each year through the 1970s, 1980s and 1990s were done to boost sales, not for medical research or testing. The dogs were "either put to death following the sales demonstrations because they can't re cover from them, or they die during them," Feral said. Incidentally, it appears that a history of killing dogs appears to be something of a prerequisite for those participating in GOP presidential campaigns this year. In a somewhat related story, it was revealed last week that John McCain has hired Fred Malek to be his national finance co-chair. Malek's resume includes advising Scooter Libby, counting Jews for Richard Nixon, and, er, killing, skinning, gutting and barbecuing a stray dog on a spit. I'm not kidding.  The Bush Administration  So how's that War on Terror coming along? Not so well, it turns out. Have you heard of the new terrorist group called Jundullah? According to ABC News: Jundullah has produced its own videos showing Iranian soldiers and border guards it says it has captured and brought back to Pakistan. The leader, Regi, claims to have personally executed some of the Iranians. "He used to fight with the Taliban. He's part drug smuggler, part Taliban, part Sunni activist," said Alexis Debat, a senior fellow on counterterrorism at the Nixon Center and an ABC News consultant who recently met with Pakistani officials and tribal members. Sounds pretty bad, right? A group of militant Sunnis, led by a former member of the Taliban, is crossing the border from Pakistan into Iran, capturing Iranians, and executing them. This can't bode well for the stability of the region. Fortunately, the Bush administration is on it... A Pakistani tribal militant group responsible for a series of deadly guerrilla raids inside Iran has been secretly encouraged and advised by American officials since 2005, U.S. and Pakistani intelligence sources tell ABC News. (snip) U.S. officials say the U.S. relationship with Jundullah is arranged so that the U.S. provides no funding to the group, which would require an official presidential order or "finding" as well as congressional oversight. Super plan guys! After all, when we trained Osama bin Laden and friends to fight the Soviets in Afghanistan, it worked out really well and totally didn't come back to bite us in the ass at all.  Bill O'Reilly And finally, all I'm going to say is, if you watch this video closely, I think you can pinpoint the exact moment when O'Reilly loses control of his bowels. See you next week! -- EarlG |
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