The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 288

April 23, 2007
Two Thumbs Down Edition

Alberto Gonzales (1) gets a raspberry, Karl Rove (2) changes his tune, and John McCain (3) is off his rocker. Elsewhere, Rush Limbaugh (5) flips out, George W. Bush (7) has no clue what's going on, and Tommy Thompson (10) takes faux pas to a whole new level. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!



Alberto Gonzales

In case you missed Alberto Gonzales's electrifying testimony before the House Judicary Committee last week, he's been getting some rave reviews. Here are the highlights:









But let's be fair. It wasn't all bad.




Karl Rove

Last week Karl Rove gave a speech at the Mount Union Theater in Alliance, Ohio. After he'd finished regurgitating his stale Iraq talking points (we're fighting them over there so we don't have to fight them over here, etc.) Mr. Rove was kind enough to hold a Q&A session. According to the Akron Beacon Journal:


Oh, really? It was Osama bin Laden's idea to trump up intelligence falsely linking himself to Saddam Hussein? It was Osama bin Laden's idea to use that false intelligence to whip the nation into a war frenzy? It was Osama bin Laden's idea to tell Americans that Iraq had vast stockpiles of chemical and biological weapons and was capable of using them to strike the United States within a matter of hours?

So, how long has Osama bin Laden been in charge of U.S. foreign policy?

Give Karl a break though - it seems this unfortunate remark was simply brought on by war fatigue. He continued:


Oh come on, don't be like that. If the war had never happened, you wouldn't have been able to get away with this:


Or this:


Or this:


But let's be fair - Karl Rove has always been a big opponent of the Iraq war. According to Think Progress:


I have to say, my biggest worry right now isn't terrorists - it's that one of these days Karl Rove will accidentally tell the truth about something and the universe will explode.



John McCain

The pressure of being this year's biggest loser must be getting to John McCain - he's started singing about bombing Iran at campaign appearances. According to Raw Story:


McCain spokesman Kevin McLaughlin said later, "He was just trying to add a little humor to the event." Sure thing - because after four years of disastrous war in the Middle East, there's nothing funnier than hearing a presidential candidate joking about starting another one. No wonder MoveOn has made an ad featuring the singing senator's gut-busting antics.

I should note that McCain didn't actually sing the entire line, "Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran" - he only got as far as "Bomb bomb bomb..." before stopping. But that's okay, he's old. He probably forgot the words.



Massacre Enthusiasts

Last Monday everything stopped as the horrible news of the massacre at Virginia Tech trickled in. Of course, conservative idiots coudn't even wait for the bodies to cool before trying to make political hay out of the tragedy. Take John Derbyshire for example, who just one day after the murders wrote from his quarterback's armchair:


Interesting logic - John Derbyshire can't hit squat with his handgun, therefore the 32 people that Cho Seung-Hui managed to kill with his handguns must have been cowards. (This seems to be a bit of a pattern for Mr. Derbyshire - lest we forget, he was last seen in the Top 10 belittling the British soldiers who were captured by Iran.)

So how did Cho Seung-Hui get so good with his handguns? By 3pm on the afternoon of the shootings, ambulance-chaser Jack Thompson and TV doctor Phil McGraw already had the answer: violent video games were to blame. Thompson and McGraw both appeared on various cable news shows to promote the theory - without any evidence whatsoever - that Cho Seung-Hui had trained on "murder simulators." A few days later, according to MSNBC:


Perhaps there's a more likely explanation for where Cho learned to use his guns with such skill...


Nah, can't have been the real-life training. Must have been the video games.

Elsewhere, cartoonist Mike Lester managed to wait a whole 48 hours before conjuring up this charming image:


Tasteful. And lastly, Rush Limbaugh weighed in on the affair by announcing that:


Is it just me, or does Rush Limbaugh become more irrelevant by the day?



Rush Limbaugh

I guess its not just me. Last week Limbaugh went on a rambling rant about the real culprits behind the firing of Don Imus. Can you guess who it is?


Ah yes, the Clintons. But they're not the only ones to blame. Rush continued:


Whoa, easy big fella! Sounds like someone needs to take a chill pill.

Er, I mean, someone needs to calm down a bit.



Dana Rohrabacher

Now it's time for a quick check on how America-loving Bush-supporter Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R-CA) is getting on lately. Let's just say he seems a little tense:


Well that couldn't be clearer. Thanks, Dana.



George W. Bush

How isolated and out of touch has George W. Bush become? Well, last week he said that "pulling out of Iraq too soon would trigger a bloodbath," according to the Washington Post. Hmm. A bloodbath, you say?

Our Great Leader drew upon his extensive combat experience during the Vietnam War to illustrate the problem:


Hmm. The slaughter of innocent life, you say? Er, hello?

Meanwhile, George met with Democratic leaders Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid last week, where the following "Jeez, what a dumbass" moment occurred:


Well, technically George, I suppose that's true. Although your vice president did ("I'm obviously disappointed. I think it is, in fact, bad behavior on her part." -- Dick Cheney), and your press secretary did ("It sends the wrong message" -- Dana Perino), and your wife's press secretary did ("It's unfortunate that she took this unilateral trip that we only see as counterproductive." -- Gordon Johndroe).

As you can see, Dubya's handlers seem to be keeping the old bubble walls nice and thick these days.



Todd Rokita

Indiana's secretary of state, Todd Rokita, gave a speech last week at a Republican party dinner. During the speech, Rokita decided to touch on issues of race and diversity. According to the Indianapolis Star:


Sounds reasonable. So how did that work out?


Oh dear. Better luck next time, Todd.



The Bush Administration

From the department of "why am I not surprised":


Nice going, guys. After all, you've only had two years to prepare. So what is FEMA going to do in lieu of a plan?


What, the plan that left thousands of people stranded for days without food or water, while others drowned in their attics? At least tell me you've got somebody capable in charge.


Oh shit.



Tommy Thompson

And finally: Gentlemen, start your engines! Three! Two! One! And... crash!

Tommy Thompson's presidential campaign got off to a smashing start last week when he "told a Jewish group Monday that earning money is 'part of the Jewish tradition,'" according to the Associated Press.


Turns out that Tommy had a good excuse for his dubious comments - he had a cold. "I was tired, I made a mistake and I apologized," he said to Politico.com.

Poor guy. If only he'd had some of this on hand:


It's the "Daytime, Non-Drowsy, Congested-Stuffy Head, Sore Throat, Coughing, Aching, Fever So You Can Get Through The Day Without Accidentally Making Remarks About Jews And Finances And Things" medicine.

See you next week!

-- EarlG