The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 289

April 30, 2007
Suffering And Silence Edition

The right-wing seems to be rapidly running out of things to say - if they're not putting their feet in their mouths, they're falling back on stale old ideas and campaign slogans. Laura Bush (1) and George W. Bush (2) seem quite happy in their bubble, while Rudy Giuliani (3) and Mitt Romney (4) appear to be at odds. Elsewhere, Dana Perino (6) is in a huff, Fox News (9) can't tell fact from fiction, and Michelle Malkin (10) goes bonkers. We're pic-heavy this week, so my apologies to you dial-uppers out there. Don't forget the key!



Laura Bush

The occuaption of Iraq has caused unimaginable suffering - from the scarred and wounded soldiers who return from the battlefield with amputated limbs and serious brain injuries, to the families of troops killed in action, to the Iraqis who are dying by the thousand as bloody civil war takes hold. But last week it was revealed that despite the murder, mayhem, death, and destruction, two people are suffering more than anyone else. Here's Laura Bush talking to Ann Curry on the Today Show:


Yes folks - when it comes to Iraq, no-one suffers more than George and Laura Bush. Not him:


Or him:


Or them:


Or her:


No, here's where the real suffering lies:





Can't you just smell the suffering?

The interview continued:


Sure thing. For example, here are some pictures of George W. Bush taken last week at the White House during an event to mark Malaria Awareness Day:



I guess it's the burden of responsibility weighing on his shoulders that's causing him to make that face.

Laura concluded:


I'll agree with her there. It is indeed extremely hard to watch George W. Bush.



George W. Bush

I noted last week that Alberto Gonzales had received rave reviews for his recent performance before the Senate Judiciary Committtee. I was joking, of course - he sucked hard. When senators from your own party are telling you that you should resign - to your face, on national television - it's probably not a sign that your career is heading in the right direction.

But at least one person found Alberto Gonzales's testimony to be thoroughly enlightening. George W. Bush said last week that, "The attorney general went up and gave a very candid assessment and answered every question he could possibly answer, in a way that increased my confidence in his ability to do the job."

Yes, you read that right - Gonzales's testimony, where he said some variation of "I can't recall" at least 70 times - has actually increased Bush's confidence in the Attorney General.

Bush continued, saying, "Some senators didn't like his explanation, but he answered as honestly as he could."

He sure did. If he hadn't said "I don't recall" so often, just imagine how many times he would have perjured himself.



Rudy Giuliani

It seems that Rudy Giuliani has decided to go after the crucial backwash vote, and figures the best way to do that is to start parroting one of Dick Cheney's old canards. At a campaign stop in New Hampshire last week, Giuliani predicted dire results if a Democrat is elected president in 2008:


After the speech, Giuliani told the Politico's Roger Simon that "America will be safer with a Republican president."

Apparently Giuliani has learned nothing from the lessons of 2006, and thinks that the American public is still buying into the idea that a vote for the Democrats is a vote for Osama bin Laden. He also appears to have conveniently forgotten that the last time terrorists struck America, we had a Republican president - not to mention a Republican mayor of New York City whose name happened to be Rudy Giuliani.

But obviously I'm forgetting that when Republicans fail to prevent massive terrorists attacks, it's actually proof of great leadership. And remember: since 9/11 we're so much safer, thanks to the warrantless wiretapping of American citizens, FBI infiltration of peace groups, coerced confessions from tortured prisoners who are arrested and held without trial - and let's be fair, turning the entire country of Iraq into a training ground for Al Qaeda was a stroke of genius.

So if you're looking for more of that kind of leadership, by all means vote for Rudy Giuliani. If, however, you're not a raving lunatic, you may want to look elsewhere.



Mitt Romney

I wonder what Rudy Giuliani will make of Mitt Romney's recent comments during an interview with the Associated Press? On the topic of Osama bin Laden, Romney said, "It's not worth moving heaven and earth spending billions of dollars just trying to catch one person."

Talking Points Memo noted last week that the "liberal" media has remained remarkably quiet about this comment:


My guess is they figure it's not worth writing about beacuse by this time next week Romney will have changed his mind.



George W. Bush

Good news from Iraq! Sectarian violence is dropping - at least, according to George W. Bush. "There's been some progress. There's been some horrific bombings, of course, but there's also a decline in sectarian violence," said Our Great Leader last week.

Great job, Dubya. The surge must be working after all. Peace and prosperity in Iraq could be just around the corner.

Hang on a minute... what's this?


How utterly ingenious! Sectarian violence is down, provided that you redefine sectarian violence to exclude the number of people killed by suicide bombs, because if you include the number of people who are killed by suicide bombs, then the terrorists have won. So by simply not reporting the number of people killed by suicide bombs - voila! - no suicide bombs! And a drop in sectarian violence!

George Orwell isn't just rolling in his grave - he's trying to dig his way out so he can throw himself off the nearest cliff.



Dana Perino

Last week, Congress agreed on a bill which would provide the troops with all the funding they need, and also set a timetable for ending the war in Iraq. The bill, which is expected to be vetoed by George W. Bush, is due to arrive on his desk on May 1 - the anniversary of his now-infamous "Mission Accomplished" speech. White House press secretary Dana Perino was furious, calling it a "ridiculous P.R. stunt" and "the height of cynicism."

So let me get this straight... it's a "ridiculous P.R. stunt" to besmirch the memory of this completely genuine and not-at-all-stage-managed occasion?



Ridiculous P.R. stunt my ass. This entire administration has been one long ridiculous P.R. stunt.



Congressional Republicans

As the U.S. attorneys scandal continues to rock Washington D.C., Congressional Republicans think they have a plan for getting to the bottom of the problem. According to Raw Story:


That's right! Never mind the serious abuses of power that the current administration is engaging in - let's go back in time and re-investigate Bill Clinton!

It's understandable really - I mean, Republicans had a field day during the Great Clinton Cock Hunt of the late '90s - it was a time of finger-wagging and tut-tutting, of pontificating loudly about morals and values, and, oh, won't somebody think of the children? And the public hadn't yet caught on to the fact that the people doing the finger-wagging and tut-tutting were a bunch of crooks and adulterers. Yes, it was a great time to be a Republican.

So, just a few questions, Congressional Republicans:

1. Will re-investigating the Clinton administration help to find out why the Bush administration fired those U.S. attorneys?

2. Do you think that the prosecutors who spent years sniffing Clinton's underpants really overlooked reams of incriminating emails?

3. Given that you're in the minority and have no subpoena power, how exactly are you going to carry out this investigation?

4. Why are you such a bunch of morons?



Earl Adams

Remember when conservatives used to be against frivolous lawsuits? Times have obviously changed, because it doesn't get much more frivolous than this:


Er, what? For what?


Hmm. So they were "browsing for material on military academies," eh?

I wonder. I wonder if they didn't just happen to find this book and were having a good giggle over it, as teenage boys do, when their batshit crazy dad caught them and started going nuts. "But dad, we were looking for material on military academies and the book just jumped into our hands!" I also wonder if the "many sleepless nights" were caused not by the boys being "greatly disturbed" at the contents of the book, but in fact by their father who kept them up all night praying loudly for the Lord to drive Satan out of their eyeballs. Considering that:


It probably wasn't God's idea to sue the libary for twenty grand though. After all, greed is one of the seven deadly sins.



Fox News

Want to know just how completely and utterly irrelevant Fox News is these days? Take it away, Think Progress:


You know, I really don't have anything to add to that.



Michelle Malkin

And finally: speaking of completely and utterly irrelevant, here's what poor Michelle Malkin has been reduced to:






If you're confused by these pictures, check out the video and all will become clear. (I'll give you a clue - she's lost her mind.)

The Top 10 is taking a break next week - we'll be back on May 14. See you then!

-- EarlG